The Hangover News
Everything serious that happened this weekend beyond the confines of the pub.
THE SYRIAN GOVERNMENT CONTINUED TO MURDER ITS OWN PEOPLE
Tanks and machine gun gangs have been busy leaving bodies on the streets of Hama, as Syria saw the Arab Spring's deadliest weekend yet.
President Bashar al-Assad, once seen as someone who wasn't as much of a cunt as his father, sent the troops in to quash protests in a city the government lost control of back in June.
The government forces went into the city just after dawn on the eve of Ramadan, breaking through barricades put up by civilians who are keen on democracy and civil rights. According to Reuters, snipers were on roofs, and tank shells rained down at a rate of about four per minute.
The upshot, at the time of writing, is around 100 people dead in Hama, while another 36 are thought to have died in other fighting across Syria. It takes Syria's unofficial Arab Spring death toll past the 1,600 mark.
Even though Assad likes cutting off neighbourhood electricity and water supplies before sending in his men, numerous videos of the attacks have emerged on YouTube.
A local activist called Omar Halabi told the Guardian that protesters were "walking towards tanks armed only with wooden bats, steel bars or stones."
Watching world leaders have supplied the usual round of condemnations, but the UN haven't decided to do anything about it yet.
Click through to watch our VBS.TV documentary about Syria's role in the Arab Spring. More stuff that happened this weekend is on page two.
AN EX-GIRLFRIEND IN LOS ANGELES WAS NOT MADE TO FEEL AS GUILTY AS SHE COULD HAVE BEEN
This guy's trying to throw himself from the 13th floor of a very high building because his girlfriend broke up with him.
A security guard was able to dissuade him until the arrival of the police, who handcuffed him to the railings before administering the most benevolent wedgie of all time.
The man responded by biting the officers, before firemen arrived to cut the railings and drive the sad guy to a hospital.
ANDERS BREIVIK'S ENGLISH HERO WANTS TO SEE MUSLIMS TORTURE THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY TO DEATH
Paul Ray thinks Alan Lake is (was?) Anders Breivik's main contact in the EDL. The Guardian have dug up an old blog he posted where he said he'd like to see liberals tortured to death in Islamic ghettos.
"It's time we decide who we will force in the Islamic enclaves," he wrote on his own website 4 Freedoms in May last year. "And who we will execute if they sneak out.
"By forcing these liberal twits into those enclaves, we will be sending them to their death at worst, and at best they and their families will be subjected to all the depredations, persecution and abuse that non-Muslims worldwide currently 'enjoy' in countries like Pakistan.
"It will be great to see them executed or tortured to death."
Lake's first three candidates for this treatment were the Archbishop of Canterbury ("he approves of the creation and use of sharia courts"), David Cameron ("to help refine our criteria about who deserves to die at the hands of the Muslim overlords") and everyone's favourite fresh-faced whipping boy, Nick Clegg ("such an angelic and pure person").
Lake has since removed the post, and has referred to the execution and torture stuff as "mistakes", but still stands by the "fundamental point" of his comments.
MY HOUSE GOT BURGLED
If you're reading this, my girlfriend wants her moisturiser back, you fucking cocksucker.