Rule Number 1: Don't hire any 'Grime Journalists'.
Lethal Bizzle won’t drink anything else Not sure who this is Ears and Jammer—all stills from Lord Of The Decks 3
Grimewatch Special: How to make your own grime magazine!
RULE NUMBER 1:
DON’T HIRE ANY ‘GRIME JOURNALISTS’
I’m not saying that there aren’t any good music journalists covering grime. It’s just it sounds more real coming from those who live and breathe the scene, rather than some wanker who just downloaded Run The Roads and was listening to electroclash last week. Employ artists and anyone actually involved in grime. They have more authority on the subject and will write better articles. Like Capo who makes Lord of The Decks. Speaking of which, LOTD Part 3 is fucking amazing. The best bit is when Jammer does a double axe handle through a hotel room door in Berlin cos he forgot his records and locked himself out. Rock & Roll is here to stay kids…
RULE NUMBER 2:
PAD OUT ARTICLES WITH MADE UP WORDS
I hate widows. (For those who aren’t in the magazine trade, a ‘widow’ is when you have just one word on a line like
It looks really untidy and it’s kind of an old school design thing, a lot of magazines just do them now anyway and no one seems to care and the whole industry is going to the dogs, but personally I can’t stand ‘em. The good thing about grime is there are loads of clever words you can tag on to the end of a sentence that mean nothing and everything, all at the same time, giving you two words on a line, which is OKAY. Good words to finish your sentence with include Brap! Blap! Brapple! Pow! Get me! Serious (serious) or anything else MCs are saying at the time.
RULE NUMBER 3:
IT’S OK TO TAKE THE PISS OUT OF GRIME,
BUT NOT OUT OF OLD SKOOL GARAGE.
The whole time I was editor at RWD, I only had two and a half death threats, all from members of the old skool UKG fraternity who are all supposed to be about good vibes and “the music” and shit. But a lot of them were egomaniacs who took themselves waaay too seriously, which is one of the reasons I think the UKG bubble burst. But the grime kids are different, they understand it’s all showbiz, most of them are cool, don’t take themselves seriously and that’s why the scene is mooo-ving. If you say something slightly derogatory about grime on rwdmag.com/forums, everyone ignores it. But if you go on say, the Uptown forums, and type in “Hey losers! No one listens to 2-step any more! Get over it or something!!!” You will bring about an old skool UKG jihad in about 5 seconds.
RULE NUMBER 4:
WHEN AN ARTIST GETS A PRESS OFFICER, MOVE ON.
If you are thinking about writing about someone and they have now got a press officer, you missed the boat kid. How can someone be the hottest off the block if they now have somebody following them round already? Asking you if they can go through your article with a red pen and if actually, can you please just use the press shot a zillion other mags used already cos MC I-only-got-signed-cos-somebody-somewhere-gave-someone-a-blowjob is busy and can’t come to the shoot and actually, would you mind if we just did the whole thing via email?
RULE NUMBER 5:
IT’S ONLY OK TO WRITE ABOUT THINGS
YOU HAVEN’T LISTENED TO YET IF YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THEY’RE GOOD.
If you do decide to become a music journalist, A&R man or professional DJ, you won’t have any time to listen to music because you will be too busy talking about it. People like to pretend this isn’t the case, but it is, and if you do still have time to listen to music, you’re clearly not doing your job properly. But do make sure you have had at least one listen to the full final album, or you might end up with egg on your face. A good example is Kano’s album, which is actually a bit of a disappointment, and when bonus track Boys Love Girls hits you at the end, you realise how much better it could have been if there was a bit more grime on there and a bit less lame hip hop. But Kane is still big and we hope it does well, even though he is now allegedly banned from Plaistow since he fell out with N.A.S.T.Y. But watch out for The Newham Generals, Statik’s new Connected album and anything by IMP Batch.
RULE NUMBER 6: WHEN YOU HIT 26 AND A HALF, GET THE FUCK OUT.
You know in kids’ stories when adults can’t understand things the way kids do and can’t see the fairies at the bottom of the garden and crap like that? Grime works exactly the same way. So once you get too old, you have to move on or suddenly you will get all withered, like the emperor does in Episode 3 when Anakin turns to the darkside, and then you will be trapped in grime forever. The same thing happened 10 years ago in the house scene, which is why we now have ‘Ibiza Mums’ still chomping pills 48 hours straight every weekend all over Croydon. So that’s exactly what I’m doing. If anyone needs me I’ll be in NYC spreading the word over there, but don’t worry, my old magazine RWD is in safe hands, there is also an all-grime magazine launching here called Hate is a Strong Word. If anyone needs to holla, I’ll be at email@example.com. Get me! Serious!! Mega-murko-brapple!!!
MATT MASON (ex RWD Editor)