"I get lost a lot and sleep in strangers' houses."
It's barely even the end of November, which means the Christmas season is firmly upon us. The Coca Cola advert is on TV, restaurants are displaying their seasonal menus weeks before they're ever going to be served and supermarkets have slashed prices on beer, wine, whiskey, gin and anything else alcoholic that makes the extended period of time you're going to have to spend with your family members half bearable.
Recently, however, a man in Australia obviously got a bit too swept up in festive excitement and the cut-price booze that goes hand-in-hand with, because he managed to get drunk enough to convince himself that riding a a crocodile wasn't the worst idea in the history of the human species. With the gauntlet laid down, I decided to ask the people of London a question: What's the dumbest thing you've ever done drunk?
Angelo, 22: Let’s see if we can go there. Probably punching a window in general drunken rage.
VICE: Because you saw your own reflection?
Yeah, actually. I dislike myself intensely, so I tried punching myself, but it was just my reflection. No, I’m joking.
Did you hurt yourself?
Yeah, look – I've got a big scar on my hand. It was the stupidest thing, like, ever. I get memory loss a lot as well, then forget my PIN code and end up blocking my cards. That’s annoying when you wanna get lunch.
Well stop getting so wasted then, Angelo.
Robin, 23: That’s a hard one. I’ve done so many stupid things, but I can’t even remember what they are most the time.
Reel them off for us.
I don’t remember! I get lost a lot. I run away and never come back. I wake up in the morning and I don’t know where I am.
Where’s the worst place you’ve woken up?
I woke up in the flat beneath my friend’s house thinking that it was her house. I made breakfast and watched TV and everything before realising I didn’t know the person whose house it was.
How did you get in?
I climbed through the window. No one was in, thankfully.
Sara, age withheld: The obvious thing for me to say is that I don’t remember. But that’s a tough one. Well, I’ve taken off way too many clothes while dancing at work functions.
Is this a recurring problem?
No, it was years ago. I’m not young anymore.
How much clothing did you take off?
Oh, the whole top. Photographic evidence proves I took my bra off.
Wow. Were you popular in the office after that?
No, it was awful. This is good ‘people advice’ for the holiday party season coming up – it’s not so funny the next morning when you realise you still have to work with them. They do tend to look at you differently after they’ve seen your boobs.
Kyle, 35: From a legal standpoint, I once told a policeman that the eight-foot piece of bin liner around my neck was my cape of justice.
What was he talking to you about?
He had had a complaint that some kids had been doing graffiti somewhere nearby, so I decided to be as helpful as I possibly could.
I was genuinely trying to be helpful, but can you imagine the look of fear on peoples' faces, watching me run around with a load of bin liner floating behind me?
I'd say it was probably more disdain than fear.
Monique, 25 (left) and Amy, 24.
Amy: Me and my boyfriend got tattoos at the Full Moon party in Thailand. He got one on the side of his head – it was a flower and some swirls. I was asleep, and when I woke up, he had this tattoo on the side of his head.
And he'd never even had a tattoo before. He doesn’t even like them, actually.
Why flowers and swirls?
Because he likes drawing them. He didn’t talk for three days afterwards – apparently it was my fault.
What tattoo did you get?
It’s on my collarbone and it says ‘Life’s About Choices’. It’s a pretty standard tattoo, but I don’t regret it, unlike him.
Maybe it was your fault. If you'd got yours done first, maybe he would have read it and taken notice.
Yeah, he clearly made the wrong life choice. How about you, Monique?
Monique: I’ve never got drunk. I don’t drink.
Well, that’s that then.
Previously - What's Your Favourite Music to Have Sex to?