choose your own adventure

You Are Still in Bed Despite it Being 4PM

How? How????
11 January 2019, 10:00am
(Photo via Flickr/Simon James)

This is starting to feel horrible now. That’s the thing with being in bed for this long: what starts as luxurious quickly goes down through the grades and becomes "worrying" (1PM), "genuinely medical" (it’s 2PM and… you… haven’t… had a… piss yet?), "kind of behaviour that makes well-meaning charity workers visit you at home" (3PM) and then just straight up "gross". You ate beans on toast in bed at 10AM and the plate is still here beside you. You get up to get a KitKat from the fridge and your legs collapse and wobble beneath you. When you finally make it to the shower you feel like you are cracking a claylike shell-layer off the outside of you, like a golden statue discovered in a deep temple by Indiana Jones. Do you know how many episodes of Always Sunny you’ve watched on Netflix today? The number is uncountable. Do you know how many Hula Hoops you ate lazily out of a multipack you have spilled behind your pillows? It is loads. You walk back into your room fresh from the shower and it smells so sour in here you have to open a window. Is this… your life? Is this… what you smell like? Sit on the edge of your bed for half an hour checking texts and, when you get up out of your towel to get dressed, there is a sick crunch sound beneath you. Lift the towel. Four little Hula Hoops, crushed to salty dust.