This past weekend, true love was revealed to the world. If you were wondering what that looks like, it's Cardi B, Offset, and the former posing for the 'gram wearing a ring featuring 8-carat diamond shaped like a raindrop – which is to say that it looks magnificent.
And because Cardi and Offset are now well on their way to becoming hip hop's First Couple, their wedding is already hot property. As Complex points out, both BET and VH1 took to social media in some capacity to register their interest, which led me to consider: what would this monumental cultural event look like if pitched by the brands of various TV channels on both sides of the Atlantic? Reader, I dreamed:
A deep dive into the history of Cardi B and Offset's relationship, as well as the run-up to the wedding. Hosted by Louis Theroux, who asks questions like "How much did this wedding dress cost?" and "Do you think I would look good in a grill?", plays a small role in the wedding, potentially as a ringbearer, and performs at the reception with Migos. A video of Louis and Cardi B tasting a wedding cake covered in gold leaf becomes the defining meme of 2018.
Cardi and Offset: The Wedding. The UK's premiere destination for absolute drivel (also my favourite television channel) would give us a four-part scripted reality series made up almost exclusively of people having conversations about nothing in juice bars. At least one hour of footage is made up of Cardi having her nails done by a woman named Paula. Also the wedding would take place at a golf club in Brentwood.
Read more: The Cult of Cardi B
The actual wedding itself – broadcast live via the channel's website – is preceded by a 12-week long reality show called something nonsensical like Bodak Wedding where contestants compete in various challenges for the opportunity to sing at or officiate the ceremony or something.
This is what I'm talking about. The full Kardashian treatment – talking heads, glossy title sequence, the works. If it goes well, an entire series gets commissioned and Cardi B becomes even more of a multi-platform sensation than she was before. Launches Bardi Beauty, takes over the world, as is right and proper.
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