What's Gone On This Week: Uri Geller's Stopping Brexit with His Mind

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

THE UK GOVERNMENT’S PLAN TO IMPOSE AGE CHECKS ON PORN WEBSITES HAS BEEN "PUSHED BACK" FROM THE 1ST OF APRIL, WHEN PORN SITES WERE EXPECTED TO INTRODUCE THE MEASURES.

THE DEPARTMENT FOR DIGITAL, CULTURE, MEDIA AND SPORT HAS NOW SAID "WE ARE TAKING THE TIME TO GET THE IMPLEMENTATION OF THIS POLICY RIGHT AND TO ENSURE IT IS EFFECTIVE, AND WE WILL ANNOUNCE A COMMENCEMENT DATE SHORTLY," BUT INSISTED, "THIS WORK IS A WORLD-LEADING STEP FORWARD TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN FROM ADULT CONTENT."

THE BRITISH BOARD OF FILM CLASSIFICATION, WHICH CLASSIFIES MOVIES IN THE UK, WILL BECOME THE AGE VERIFICATION REGULATOR, AND THE CHANGE WILL FORCE PEOPLE IN THE UK TO COMPLETE CHECKS INCLUDING THE UPLOADING OF IDENTIFICATION DOCUMENTS SUCH AS CREDIT CARDS, PASSPORTS OR DRIVING LICENSES IN ORDER TO ACCESS ADULT SITES. CRITICS HAVE SAID THE MOVE COULD HAVE IMPLICATIONS FOR PRIVACY ONLINE.

THIS SEEMS LIKE A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF THE GOVERNMENT ATTEMPTING TO LEGISLATE THE INTERNET WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.

ADOLESCENTS TODAY KNOW MORE ABOUT THE INTERNET THAN ANY CUNT EVER, AND THE BAN IS SIMPLY GOING TO INHIBIT ILLITERATE OLD HORNY PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT A VPN IS. NO DOUBT THIS WILL CREATE A GIANT DATABASE OF EVERYONE’S PARENTS' KINKS THAT IS DESTINED TO BE HACKED AND EXPOSED.

THIS LEGISLATION ALSO FAILS TO COVER THINGS LIKE PORN ON SOCIAL MEDIA LIKE TWITTER AND REDDIT, PROBABLY THE MOST LIKELY PLACES WHERE CHILDREN STUMBLE ACROSS SUCH MATERIAL, WHICH JUST SHOWS HOW ILL THOUGHT OUT THIS WHOLE THING IS. IF ANYTHING, IT’S ONLY GOING TO PUSH PEOPLE TOWARDS THE DARKER CORNERS OF THE WEB.

I CAN ALMOST FEEL THE FEVERISH THRILL OF FRAUDSTERS THE WORLD OVER IN ANTICIPATION OF THIS POLICY BEING IMPLEMENTED. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF RANDY CUNTS WHO WILL WE BE SENDING OFF THEIR ENTIRE IDENTITIES AND BANKING DETAILS ONLINE TO SOME SWINDLER BECAUSE THEY DESPERATELY NEED TO CRANK THE HOG.

I’M SURE SOME SCAMMERS EVEN HAD A SUMMER WISH-LIST DRAWN UP OF WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE UNTOLD BOGUS CREDIT CARDS: A TIME-SHARE ON A CONDO IN PLAYA DEL CARMEN, A MATTE-PAINTED AUDI TT, HAIR PLUGS IN TURKEY, THE FUCKING WORKS. ALL IN THE NAME OF SOME POOR CUNT FROM WIDNES WHO’LL ONLY REALISE THAT SOMETHING'S AMISS WHEN THEY GET SENT SOME FUCKING MAIL IN THE POST THANKING THEM FOR THEIR JETSKI PURCHASE.

THIS WHOLE ATTEMPT AT STOPPING THE BRITISH PUBLIC DOING A “NUMBER THREE” SEEMS FUTILE AT BEST. I JUST HOPE THE BOYS AT THE FRAUD SQUAD ARE PREPARED FOR THE CARNAGE WHEN THE CHECKS FINALLY COME IN.

ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, EXTENDED SITTING OR LYING DOWN FOR TOO LONG MAY BE CAUSING 70,000 DEATHS A YEAR IN THE UK, AND COSTS THE NHS £700 MILLION. SCIENTISTS HAVE PREVIOUSLY FLAGGED THAT "SEDENTARY BEHAVIOUR" INCREASES THE RISK OF A NUMBER OF DISEASES AS WELL AS A PREMATURE DEATH.

THE RESEARCHERS SAID IT WASN’T ONLY NHS SPENDING THAT COULD BENEFIT FROM MORE MOVEMENT: THEY PREDICTED 11.6 PERCENT OF ALL DEATHS IN THE UK IN 2016 COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF PEOPLE DID NOT SIT DOWN FOR PROLONGED PERIODS.

LEONIE HERON, FIRST AUTHOR OF THE RESEARCH FROM QUEEN’S UNIVERSITY BELFAST, SAID EVEN IF PEOPLE ARE NOT ABLE TO UNDERTAKE A LOT OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, INCREASING LIGHT ACTIVITY SUCH AS “POTTERING ABOUT” COULD BRING BENEFITS.

DR KEITH DIAZ, AN EXPERT IN BEHAVIOURAL MEDICINE AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, SAYS THE LACK OF EFFORT BY POLICY-MAKERS TO TACKLE SEDENTARY BEHAVIOUR MIGHT BE ROOTED IN CONCERNS THAT IT COULD DECREASE PRODUCTIVITY AT WORK AND THAT "THE FINDINGS FROM THIS STUDY ARE IMMENSELY IMPORTANT AS THEY PROVIDE A STRONG ECONOMIC CASE THAT PUBLIC HEALTH POLICY CHANGES TO REDUCE WORKPLACE SEDENTARY BEHAVIOURS COULD BE A WORTHWHILE INVESTMENT".

I GUESS THESE FINDINGS JUST CONFIRM WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW: HUMANS WEREN’T DESIGNED TO STAY IN ONE FUCKING POSITION ALL DAY COMPLETING UNFULFILLING SHIT TASKS.

MOST DAYS WE FIND OURSELVES ARRIVING AT WORK WITH A BRAIN LIKE A TRIFLE, DOWNING WHATEVER ANXIETY JUICE WE CAN GET OUR HANDS ON JUST SO WE CAN OPERATE ON A BASIC LEVEL. YOU DO THIS BEFORE YOU LEAN OVER A DESK IN A P.O.W. STRESS POSITION FOR AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF HOURS, EITHER DEALING WITH CUSTOMERS OR READING A SERIES OF EMAILS IN YOUR INBOX ESSENTIALLY CALLING YOU A CUNT. YOU ARE EXPECTED TO DO THIS WHILE YOU ATTEMPT TO SUPPRESS YOUR FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSES WHILE IN AN OPEN PLAN OFFICE THAT IS PROBABLY MUCH WORSE THAN A NORWEGIAN OPEN PRISON.

WE THEN WE LET OUR ORGANS MARINATE IN THIS STEW ALL DAY BEFORE COMMUTING HOME TO COMMENCE MORE “SEDENTARY BEHAVIOUR” BECAUSE WE ARE SO SHAGGED FROM OUR DAY AT WORK.

NOT TO MENTION, IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT UK EMPLOYERS ONLY CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH TO THE EXTENT IT STOPS THEM BEING SUED OR IT STOPS YOU ATTENDING WORK, SO I DON’T EXPECT THE FINDINGS TO BRING ABOUT DRASTIC CHANGES TO THE WORKPLACE ENVIRONMENT. THAT’S UNLESS THERE’S A BUCK TO MADE WITH IT AND THEY CAN PAIR IT WITH SOMETHING HORRENDOUS LIKE MAKING US POWER OUR MONITORS WITH AN EXERCISE BIKE OR SOME SHIT.

I THINK I’D RATHER TAKE THE PREMATURE DEATH.

URI GELLER HAS SPENT THIS WEEK WARNING THERESA MAY THAT HE IS GOING TO “STOP BREXIT TELEPATHICALLY”. GELLER APPEALED TO MAY TO “STOP THE PROCESS IMMEDIATELY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE”, BEFORE HE TAKES A "DRASTIC COURSE OF ACTION" IN AN OPEN LETTER ADDRESSED TO THE PRIME MINISTER.

THE ISRAELI-BORN ILLUSIONIST USED TO LIVE IN THE THERESA MAY’S MAIDENHEAD CONSTITUENCY AND STATES IN HIS LETTER THAT HE HAD KNOWN MAY FOR 21 YEARS AND SHE HAD PREVIOUSLY VISITED HIS HOME. GELLER WROTE "THREE YEARS BEFORE YOU BECAME PRIME MINISTER, I PREDICTED YOUR VICTORY WHEN I SHOWED YOU WINSTON CHURCHILL'S SPOON ON MY CADILLAC, WHICH I ASKED YOU TO TOUCH".

GELLER SAID HE "ADMIRED" THERESA MAY BUT FELT "PHYSICALLY AND VERY STRONGLY" THAT MOST PEOPLE IN THE UK WERE AGAINST THE WITHDRAWAL FROM THE EU, SAYING “I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH BUT I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO LEAD BRITAIN INTO BREXIT”.

URI ALSO ASSURED US IN HIS LETTER THAT HIS PSYCHIC INTERVENTIONS WEREN’T LIMITED TO BREXIT, AND CLAIMED HE IS USING HIS MIND TO ENSURE THAT JEREMY CORBYN “NEVER GETS THE KEYS TO NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET", AND THAT HIS POWERS HAVE BEEN "VALIDATED" BY THE CIA, MI5 AND MOSSAD.

GELLER THEN APPEARED ON 'GOOD MORNING BRITAIN' ASKING FOR THE HELP OF THE UK PUBLIC: “I BELIEVE WITH THE POWER OF THE MIND IF WE CONCENTRATE, NO MATTER HOW FAR OUT THIS SOUNDS, TOGETHER WITH ME AT 11:11 EVERY MORNING AM AND PM, JUST THINK THE FOLLOWING: ‘THERESA BRING US TO A SECOND VOTE. GO FOR A SECOND REFERENDUM.'”

LIKE MOST PEOPLE, I REMEMBER URI GELLER AS THIS STRANGE TV MAN FROM MY CHILDHOOD – MAINLY AS THE WORLD’S PREMIER SPOON BENDER AND PROFESSIONAL FRIEND OF MICHAEL JACKSON. I FIND BOTH OF THESE FACTS DEEPLY UNIMPRESSIVE NOW: THE SPOON BENDING, BECAUSE I’VE ACCIDENTALLY DONE IT COUNTLESS TIMES TUCKING INTO A BEN & JERRY’S; AND THE FRIENDSHIP WITH MICHAEL JACKSON, FOR NUMEROUS OBVIOUS REASONS.

PROBABLY THE STRANGEST THOUGHT TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS WHOLE STORY IS THAT I DON’T THINK WE’D EVEN BE ABLE TO TELL IF THERESA MAY WAS HAVING HER MIND SCRAMBLED BY SOME INSANE SPOON-BENDING CUNT. HER WHOLE “I’LL FALL ON MY SWORD FOR BRITAIN” ROUTINE IS MORE “SCHOOL CARETAKER IMPALING THEMSELVES ON A RAILINGS WHILE TRYING TO CLEAN THE PIGEON SHIT OFF A WINDOW” 999-STYLE NARRATED BY MICHAEL BUERK THAN SOME SAMURAI-STYLE HONORARY SEPPUKU.

AT LEAST IF BREXIT DOES FINALLY GO THROUGH WE CAN ALL FIRMLY LAY THE BLAME AT THE FEET OF THE ONE PERSON NOW RESPONSIBLE: URI GELLER.

@MULLET_FAN NEO