What's Gone On This Week: Tory MP Offers a Simply Pathetic Solution to Knife Crime

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

"WHO’S THIS CUNT?" I OFTEN FIND MYSELF SAYING AS I READ A TAKE SO LOFTY IN THE STRATOSPHERE I’M EXPECTING SOMEONE IN A RED BULL JUMPSUIT TO FUCKING BASE JUMP FROM IT.

IN THIS CASE IT WAS SCOTT MANN, CONSERVATIVE MP FOR NORTH CORNWALL, WHO TWEETED HIS SOLUTION TO TACKLING KNIFE CRIME IN BRITAIN: "EVERY KNIFE SOLD IN THE UK SHOULD HAVE A GPS TRACKER FITTED IN THE HANDLE AND THAT IF YOU’RE CARRYING ONE AROUND YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A BLOODY GOOD EXPLANATION, OBVIOUS EXEMPTIONS FOR FISHING ETC".

THIS IS A MAN MY NAN WOULD HAVE DESCRIBED AS HAVING "A HEAD FULL OF CUSTARD".

THE ILLUSION CREATED BY THE BRITISH MEDIA THAT THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY IS AT ALL COMPETENT AND NOT JUST A BUNCH OF PRIVILEGED DUNCES WHO CARRY ALL THE TRAITS OF THE BAD, EVIL CHARACTERS IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY ENGLISH LANGUAGE NOVEL WRITTEN IN THE LAST 400 YEARS IS STARTING TO WEAR THIN.

NOT ONLY ARE THE LOGISTICS AND COSTING OF THIS "SOLUTION" SIMPLY TOO FUCKED UP TO THINK ABOUT, IMAGINE HAVING A THOUGHT PROCESS SO CONVOLUTED YOU THINK PLACING GPS IN THE HANDLES OF BILLIONS OF KNIVES WILL SOLVE A PROBLEM WITH MANY DIFFERENT FACTORS AS CAUSES.

LAST WEEK, TV WEATHERMAN ALEX BERESFORD MADE AN OFF-CAMERA INTERJECTION ON GOOD MORNING BRITAIN AS JOHN APTER, POLICE FEDERATION CHAIR, WAS ARGUING FOR THE NEED FOR MORE PRISONS. SIMILARLY, RAPPER, AUTHOR AND POLITICAL ACTIVIST AKALA ELOQUENTLY SPOKE ON CHANNEL 4 NEWS ABOUT THE SOCIAL INDICATORS OF GANG-RELATED VIOLENCE BEING THE RESULT OF ISSUES LIKE POVERTY, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, LACK OF EDUCATION AND SCHOOL EXPULSION. AND THE OTHER DAY, COMEDY LEGEND KATHY BURKE TWEETED THAT THE DECRIMINALISATION OF DRUGS WOULD HELP SOLVE KNIFE CRIME – AND WHERE BETTER TO LOOK THAN PORTUGAL, WHICH HAS SEEN A DRAMATIC DROP IN DRUG-RELATED CRIME SINCE DECRIMINALISING ALL DRUGS IN 2001.

EVEN THOUGH THESE ARE THE VOICES AND ARGUMENTS THAT SHOULD BE LISTENED TO WHEN SOLUTIONS ARE BEING DISCUSSED FOR SOCIETAL PROBLEMS, WHAT DO WE GET WITH OUR GOVERNMENT? MORE STOP AND SEARCHES, MORE PRISONS AND A DULL CUNT WHO WANTS SATELLITES TRACKING FLICK-KNIVES. IT’S GENUINELY TERRIFYING THAT THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAN OFFER US.

MAYBE WE SHOULD STICK GPS ON ALL TORIES INSTEAD. WE MIGHT BE A LOT SAFER KNOWING THEIR WHEREABOUTS.

THE SEAGULL – WHICH, AS SOME QI WATCHING CUNT IN MY OLD OFFICE INFORMED ME ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, "ISN’T ITS REAL NAME IT’S A EUROPEAN HERRING GULL OR LESSER BLACK-BACKED GULL, DEPENDING ON ITS SIZE" – IS CLEARLY AN ODIOUS, SOCIOPATHIC WINGED TERROR THAT MAKES PRETTY MUCH EVERY OUTDOOR ACTIVITY LESS ENJOYABLE. BUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY THREATEN TO CARPET-BOMB YOU OUT THEIR ARSE WITH CHURNED UP FISH GUTS OR SHRIEK IN A WAY THAT SEEMS SPECIFICALLY TAILORED TO INCREASE THE ADRENALINE LEVELS IN OUR BLOODSTREAM, THESE ANIMALS STILL DESERVE OUR RESPECT.

JOHN LLEWELLYN JONES OF CARDIFF, HOWEVER, DOESN’T SHARE THE SAME SENTIMENT, AND APPEARED AT NORTH SOMERSET MAGISTRATES' COURT THIS WEEK AFTER GRABBING A GULL BY THE LEG AND BASHING IT AGAINST A WALL BECAUSE IT KNOCKED OVER HIS CHIPS AS HE DAY-TRIPPED TO WESTON-SUPER-MARE LAST SUMMER.

JONES DENIED BREACHING THE WILDLIFE AND COUNTRYSIDE ACT OF 1981, BUT TWO WITNESSES PRESENTED "CREDIBLE AND COMPELLING" EVIDENCE OF HOW THE PROTECTED GULL WAS “SMASHED TO DEATH” IN FRONT OF CHILDREN AFTER ATTEMPTING TO SNATCH THE TASTY SNACK OUT OF THE MAN’S HAND.

RSPCA INSPECTOR SIMON EVANS SAID OF THE INCIDENT: "THIS WAS DELIBERATE CRUELTY BORNE FROM THE FACT THAT THIS MAN CARED MORE FOR HIS CHIPS THAN WHAT HIS ACTIONS DID TO THE POOR GULL. SIMPLY, THE MAN SHOWED BLATANT DISREGARD FOR AN ANIMAL BECAUSE HE WAS ANNOYED ABOUT HIS CHIPS."

MAGISTRATES FOUND THE MAN GUILTY AND HANDED HIM A THREE-MONTH CURFEW BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8PM AND 8AM. HE WAS ALSO ORDERED TO PAY £750 IN COSTS AND A “£85 VICTIM SURCHARGE”. I’M NOT SURE HOW THEY INTEND TO SPEND THE £85, BUT WITH ANY JUSTICE IT WILL BE ON CHIPS “FOR THE BOYS” SCATTERED ALONG THE BEACHFRONT.

I CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL THIS UNFLINCHING BABY BOOMER BEHAVIOUR IS IMMACULATELY "BREXIT" AND A SURE SIGN OF THINGS AHEAD FOR BRITAIN. JUST FLOCKS OF CHINNED SEABIRDS ACROSS OUR STREETS AND TOWNS AS THEY FIGHT US FOR THE LAST FRAY BENTOS ON BRITISH SOIL.

IT WAS REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT RIGHT TO BUY HOMES RE-SOLD SINCE 2000 HAVE MADE £6.4 BILLION IN PROFIT. THE CHARTERED INSTITUTE OF HOUSING SAID IT WAS "SHOCKING TO SEE THE EXTENT OF THE PROFIT MARGIN IN BLACK AND WHITE" AND HAS CALLED FOR RIGHT TO BUY TO BE SUSPENDED IN ENGLAND, HAVING ALREADY BEEN HALTED IN SCOTLAND IN 2016 AND IN WALES IN JANUARY OF THIS YEAR.

MARGARET THATCHER, WHO SAID IT WOULD PAVE THE WAY FOR A “PROPERTY-OWNING DEMOCRACY”, INTRODUCED THE “RIGHT TO BUY” FOR COUNCIL TENANTS IN 1980. THE MASS SELL-OFF OF SOCIAL HOUSING UNDER THIS SCHEME, COUPLED WITH DECADES-LONG GOVERNMENT FAILURE TO REPLENISH PUBLIC HOUSING STOCK OR BUILD AFFORDABLE HOMES, HAS SEEN THE “PROPERTY-OWNING DEMOCRACY” FAIL TO ACTUALISE.

HOME OWNERSHIP REACHED A 30-YEAR LOW IN 2017, AND OVER A MILLION FAMILIES ARE STILL ON WAITING LISTS FOR SOCIAL HOUSING IN ENGLAND. WORST OF ALL, WE HAVE CREATED THE BIGGEST AND WORST BRANCH OF BROKEN BRITAIN: THE BUY-TO-LET LANDLORD, I.E. CUNTS WHO SEEM TO COUNT THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CLARKSON SERIES AS THEIR ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA, AND ARE USUALLY FOUND WITHIN GRAZING DISTANCE OF DRAFT PERONI, CLOTHED ALMOST ENTIRELY IN COTTON TRADERS LIKE THEY'RE A BRAND AMBASSADOR.

RIGHT TO BUY ENABLED THE BUY-TO-LET CULTURE THAT HAS BEEN A HUGE FACTOR IN UNDERMINING THE SOCIAL AND PHYSICAL FABRIC OF WORKING CLASS NEIGHBOURHOODS IN BRITAIN. WHILE THE SCHEME ORIGINALLY ALLOWED MEMBERS OF THE WORKING CLASS TO OWN THEIR HOME, THE LONG-TERM EFFECT HAS MADE MANY PEOPLE’S ASPIRATIONS NOW A PIPEDREAM THAT USUALLY INVOLVES BURYING BOTH YOUR PARENTS.

GOOD LUCK TO ANY CUNT TODAY WHO CAN PAY RENT, BILLS, COMMUTE, EAT FOOD, SOCIALISE AND OWN CLOTHES, DESPITE THE RELENTLESS MEDIA NARRATIVE THAT ANYTHING YOUNG PEOPLE DO WHICH ISN’T FUNDING SOME LANDLORD’S TRACK DAY IN A MCLAREN IS "UNNECESSARY".

RIGHT TO BUY WAS A GIANT TROJAN HORSE THAT LOTS OF BRITAIN CELEBRATED, BUT THE PARTY HAS LONG ENDED AND A MILLION MARTIN ROBERTS HAVE PILLED OUT OF IT AND ARE GIVING US ALL AN ABSOLUTE SHOEING IN THEIR TANNED SLIP-ONS.

@MULLET_FAN NEO