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Are You Getting Any?

Are You Getting Any? I Keep a Spreadsheet of Everyone I’ve Ever Slept With

Data analyst Violet records how many times she has sex with a partner, their location and occupation.

by Nana Baah; photos by Ezekiel
17 September 2019, 10:17am

All photos by Ezekiel. 

Welcome to Are You Getting Any? A column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

VIOLET, 27

Quality of sex overall: 10/10
Frequency of sex: 8/10
Intimacy levels: 2/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 7/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 6/10

VICE: Hi Violet! So what’s your sexual orientation?
Violet: I’ve been thinking about that recently. When I was a kid, the first people I fancied were boys. So it’s just always been like, "Well, I must be straight then." But now that I’ve learned more about sexuality as a spectrum, I think if I had to define myself in a particular way, it would be pansexual. When I read up about it, I was like, “Yes, that’s how I feel.” I feel like sexuality is fluid and I don’t want to box myself into a corner. It’s not so much about what I’ve done or who I’ve slept with in the past, but what I’m open to. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and not have met my soulmate because they identified in a certain way.

So you’re now more interested in freeing yourself up for anything?
Yeah. I feel that way about a lot of things in life, sexuality is just as much a part of that. It sounds a little bit douche-y when I say it out loud. [Laughs] But we’re still learning so much about sexuality and tearing down all the boundaries. I just think it’s a really cool thing to be a lot more fluid and open to opportunity.

violet are you getting any
Violet identifies as pansexual.

When was the last time you had sex?
Yesterday morning.

And where do you usually meet the people you sleep with?
It’s changed from when I was in my mega hoe phase. Now I’m like diet hoe, I’m not on as much of a rampage as I was before. So now it’s mostly Tinder or friends of friends.

What do you think of the British Medical Journal research? Is social media to blame for us all shagging less?
Social media definitely plays a role.

How so?
Well, it’s not the only reason but it definitely plays a part. We’re more OK with not having loads of sex than generations before us. Seven or eight years ago, when I was in my early twenties, it was like, "Oh my god, we need to have as much sex as we can", because that’s what we thought we should be doing. Social media means we’re a lot more conscious of the way we depict ourselves and how we feel about ourselves and our bodies. We’re thinking about how we relate to other people and ultimately how we’re having sex with other people. Overall, I think we’ve got a lot more to worry about than sex; there’s the environment, having no money and how we’re never going to buy houses.

All very true. You talked about your ‘hoe phase’. When would you say you were having the most sex?
Two years ago. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship. It was incredible and we were on the path to getting married, but then I had a quarter-life crisis and thought that this isn’t what I wanted for myself because I was quite young.

So that’s when it all began?
I realised that I missed my early twenties. I didn’t get to play the field and I didn’t get to do things that we’re told that we should. So I went in and I went big. I started racking up the numbers and that’s when the spreadsheet came in to play. [Laughs]

violet are you getting any
Violet's spreadsheet started as a joke.

Okay, I need to know all about the spreadsheet. Where is it?
It’s Cloud-based, I’ll get it up on my phone. It’s kind of like a little black book.

What information do you record in the spreadsheet?
It’s got how many times I’ve slept with them, occupation, location and some notes.

Detailed. So did you start keeping the spreadsheet at the very beginning of your ‘hoe phase’?
Yeah, but it started as a joke. What I do for work has a lot to do with audience data and I’m very invested in tracking trends and statistics, so it kind of comes from that. Then I really committed to it, but I haven’t put Monday night’s on here yet. That will be number 44.

Spreadsheet screenshot
A screengrab of the spreadsheet.

Can I have a look at it?
Of course.

Oh wow, you have a scientist on here.
Who was the scientist? I can’t remember.

It says here it was number one, Ryan D?
Oh yeah. So Ryan is who I lost my virginity to. It was the second year of uni and I moved in with a mate and his friends. It was me and a bunch of dudes who were all rugby players and studied science. Two weeks in, he was just like, "Do you wanna?" I was thinking, "Is there a reason to not do this?" And I couldn’t think of one, so I did. That’s my attitude in life now really. [Laughs.]

What do people think of your spreadsheet?
It’s a funny thing. Some people, mostly women, find it really fun and interesting. Other people get quite defensive about it. They’re like, "I would never want to be on a list like that!" Hun, you’re on someone’s list. Everybody is.

Do you reckon you’ll ever stop keeping track?
I don’t want to stop. The fun thing is that there’s a story for every single one of them. Some of them are under code names because I work with them, or they’re semi-famous, or because I can’t remember their names. There is one guy on there who I banged three times before finding out what his name was because I said, "What should I call you?" and he said, "Daddy".

What’s your attitude towards sex like?
I don’t have an emotional connection to it, and for me it isn’t about intimacy. It’s just fun and I like it. I would rather sleep with someone than go on a second date with them to find out how compatible we are. After a particularly bad situation I was in, a lot of my relationship with sex was about reclaiming ownership of my body and making sure that sex was still OK for me. I had always enjoyed it and that wasn't going to be taken away from me.

And you usually have good experiences with it?
On reflection, I think that every person I’ve ever slept with has always been about me. It’s hard to say I’ve never had bad sex, but if it’s not going well I’m going to make it go well. I’ll teach you what to do and you can learn so this is more fun, and you can go on to well satisfied sexual relationships in the future.

violet are you getting any

You’re doing the Lord’s work. OK, so you’ve written ‘good quality dickin’ here on the spreadsheet. Tell me about that?
Ah yeah, Cockney Jack. It was good, but he was very scared of sex toys though. Some guys are just intimidated by it. Others are intrigued – actually, one guy stole one of my vibrators.

What happened there?
It was worse than just that actually. He took it and then after, he sent me a message asking if I had been tested since we slept together. I get tested every three months, at least, so I knew I was clear. But the message was so weird.

What did he say?
He said that he didn’t want to startle me, but he’s never felt this way before. He went to get checked, but they didn’t check for everything. The results he got back were negative. But he said he wasn’t sure if what he was feeling was guilt or herpes.

Pardon?
[Laughs.]

Is he asking whether his symptoms are guilt or herpes?
Literally. He was like, our privates touched so it’s freaking me out.

Right ... thanks a lot Violet!

If you’re 18-30 years old and want to be featured in the Are You Getting Any? series, send an email to nana.baah@vice.com with the subject Are You Getting Any?

@nanasbaah / @ezekielarchive