Here’s What Would Happen If Jeremy Corbyn Became a Director of Football

It is late summer, and the Premier League season looms large on the horizon. The fans are restive, and the players are increasingly bemused. The club's manager, an immaculately dressed Dutchman, or perhaps a German, storms up to the director of football's office. There sits Jeremy Corbyn in a fusty beige jacket, leaning back in his swivel chair, quietly perusing the Socialist Worker while discordantly humming the tune of The Red Flag.

The manager is incensed at this point. "Jeremy," he barks in exasperation, "when are we going to make some actual signings?" Corbyn looks up from his newspaper, peers over his glasses at his colleague and smiles politely. "I'm afraid the club is now fundamentally against signings," he explains, with an air of serene condescension. "To sign players would be to bow to a system of private ownership, not to mention to offend against the fundamental equality of man."

Now, in a philosophical sense, Jeremy Corbyn may be right in this. It's rare to find a man who's willing to stick by his ideals, even if those ideals preclude him from buying a new defensive midfielder. Jeremy Corbyn may have the moral high ground here, and may well be pure in his ethics and principles. Unfortunately, inflexible ethics and principles make it extremely difficult to successfully run a football club. Indeed, ethics and principles are likely to lead to a communally owned stadium, vegetable plots at the training ground and first XI made up entirely of grassroots volunteers.

Those are a few of the schemes that Jeremy Corbyn would presumably dream up were he to be made director of football at a Premier League club. Speaking to the BBC on Thursday, Corbyn claimed that he wouldn't want to be 'President' of the Labour Party – a position which has been mooted for him by leadership rival Owen Smith – because "it sounds a bit like a director of football." On this point, we must agree with him. Fair enough that he'd reject the role, because Jeremy Corbyn would surely be the worst director of football the world has ever known.

Imagine the absolute fucking mayhem if Jeremy Corbyn was in charge of general strategy at one of the country's biggest football clubs. Contracts would be written into the public ownership, the board would be elected on a weekly basis, decisions would be made exclusively by committee and literally nothing would ever get done. The bourgeoisie would be kicked out of the hospitality boxes, all of which would be converted into sustainable allotments. It all sounds sort of brilliant on paper but, in reality, it would almost certainly lead to financial disaster, squad unrest and series of spectacularly inevitable relegations.

Sure, it would be legitimately great if a football club could use its immense wealth to ease the financial burden on supporters, but that would require it to maintain at least some wealth in the first place. That might be difficult with Corbyn in charge, considering that he'd probably replace all the lucrative commercial deals by cooperative ballot, and the entire team would end up being sponsored by the concept of solidarity. Ken Livingstone would probably be made assistant manager, and team morale would fall to an all time low after his umpteenth cringeworthy pre-match anecdote about Hitler.

It's hard to deny that Corbyn is a man of honest conviction. He believes in a fair and just society for footballers, and doubtlessly for supporters too. Sadly, he is also the sort of bloke who would lead a football club to the brink of utter destruction, humming cheerfully while handing out hand-knitted scarves and subsidised Rollover hotdogs. That's why he must not be allowed to become a director of football in any way, shape or form, let alone the President of the bloody Labour Party.

@W_F_Magee