"It's all about being in the shower. The golden shower."
Did you know that the population of Japan is capable of producing 64 million litres of urine in one go? Or that it would take 69 years to have sex with every member of the opposite sex in London between the ages of 16 and 60? (That's three million people, btw.) We do, because we spent far too long working it out.
The important question that's arisen from all this, though, is which one would you rather be subjected to? Strangers innocently wandering around the streets of London: Would you rather be pissed on by everyone in Japan, or have sex with every member of the opposite sex in London?
Des, 49: I’d take the first one – the sex
VICE: But think about all the ugly people. Doesn’t that turn you off?
Fucking women doesn’t turn me off, no. Getting pissed on? That’s a turn off.
Some people are into that.
Some people are sad. I’m happy.
How would you deal with the psychological and physical stress of having sex with all those women?
I’m a love man. Giving out love is simple. Easy peasy, pudding and pie.
So there’s enough love from you to go around?
Damn right, homes. You think I’m wearing these glasses for no reason? If I take them off, you might fall in love with me.
Please keep them on, sir. I'm not ready for love yet.
Tanya, 30: I can’t really see the purpose of me answering that question.
You'd be taking part in a highly scientific poll that might save lives.
OK, well, being pissed on is never a good thing, but I’m very picky with my men. The only guy I'd want to sleep with is my boyfriend.
I'd imagine he wouldn't be too happy if you took the sex option.
No, I don't think he would. I’d go with the piss; I think it would show dedication to my relationship.
Alex, 22: I don’t know. For what reason would I be doing this, exactly?
VICE: A fascist government have forced the decision on you as a test of character.
Would I have to have sex with homeless women?
Yeah, all women. Homeless and with homes.
I’d do the sex.
How would you go about doing the sex?
I'd rent a room, chill there and make them stand in line. I'd try and keep a good revolving balance of women, because it would be majorly depressing to just fuck ugly girls constantly for a whole week.
Yeah, bro. Fuck that noise.
John, 24: That is a very, very good question. I’d probably have sex with the entire nation.
I only said London, but you can go with the whole country if you want?
Yeah, London, the whole country – whatever. Being peed on is a hugely increasing trend at the moment, though.
Really? What about peeing on someone else?
Been there, done that, tried it. It doesn’t do it for me. I was in a club in Paris recently and it was all about being in the shower. The golden shower. I’ve been quite adventurous in the past, so I have quite an eclectic knowledge.
Wow, cool, OK. Have you already had sex with all the guys in London?
No, but I’m working my way through them. Starting in Soho and working my way around. It’s like a 10 year plan.
Sandra, 18 (left) and Ruth, 26.
Ruth: Ew, that’s gross.
Sandra: Not Japan. Not Japan!
Ruth: No, I think I’d go with the piss.
Sandra: Yeah, thinking about, I suppose I would, too. I just really wouldn’t want to have sex with all those people.
Apparently it would equate to 64 million litres of piss. Does that change anything?
Ruth: We’d drown!
Deborah, 17: I’d get pissed on.
I’m still a virgin.
No way would I want to have sex with loads of guys. I’d rather get pissed on. My dignity is important to me.
Because being pissed on by an entire country is dignified.
Tom, 25 (left), Samantha, 23 and Antonio, 23
Samantha: There’s nothing to debate here; I wouldn’t want any wee on me at all. I’d probably just pump myself with drugs and go for the sex. Is that bad?
We’re not here to judge. It would take you 69 years to have sex with all the guys in London, though. Does that change anything?
How many old women get to have so much sex, it’s fucking amazing. I’d score super high.
Do you have that kind of stamina?
Tom: It’s not so much the age that gets me, but all the horribly fat people you'd have to fuck.
Samantha: Oh my god, Tom, that's so harsh! You can't say that!
Tom: I’d prefer skinny old ladies than obese younger women.
What about you, Antonio?
Tom: He wouldn’t want to look at them. He’d want a board with a hole in it, where the girls could come up one by one and slot themselves on.
Glory hole sex with every woman in London? That's not a bad idea.