Stop Pitching Articles About The Slutwalk

I hate freelance journalists. They see the term "Slut walk", and their mind immediately moves towards VICE. Over the last few weeks, as these marches have spread across the West, I've received so many thousands of pitches about them that my inbox is now full of more sluts than my Google history.

These pitches act as a reasonable barometer of public opinion. Some writers are on board with the march. Of those who are, about half see them as an extension of burlesque. They reason that if pissing about with a corset and a parasol in a small nightclub helped middle class women Baz Luhrmann their way to freedom, then marching about in a corset with a placard must be about twice as effective at demolishing the global patriarchy.

Other writers approaching me see the SlutWalk as a genuinely powerful stand against a discreetly sexist attitude which lives beneath the surface of our supposedly progressive society. The Canadian policemen and the Ken Clarkes out there are merely saying what an international cabal of sexist men are thinking – that on some level, women are to blame for rape. A small subsection of these writers want to organise a 'Slut Fashion Shoot', a la this.

One pitching writer was really bloody angry about the whole thing. He wasn't angry about rape or institutionalised sexism, though, he was angry about not finding the women out on the march attractive enough. He was so angry about this that he fancied writing an enormous missive about the how little they appealed to him, sexually.

I guess he thought the whole thing was a great opportunity to "ruffle some feathers" by calling women who don't like the idea of being raped "fat". If his pitch were to be summed up with a snappy title, it would have been: "Who'd rape you, love?". WHAT A FUNNY GUY!!! I hope nobody ever rapes him.

Loads of other people promised sideways-glances/cock-eyed-views/satirical approaches to one of the events, but I'm hoping that now the London march has happened, everyone will stop pitching it. There's nothing more depressing than an inbox full of articles that have clearly already been turned down by Jezebel.

Anyway, I've been inspired by reading so many fabulous pitches about the SlutWalk. I've been inspired to form my own opinion about the phenomenon.

My opinion is: Why on Earth would you want to reclaim the word 'slut'?

Obviously it's stupid for people to claim that women are to blame for rape just because they wear short skirts, but I'm not entirely sure that anyone ever claims that any more. But, if I was a woman, and some day I hope I will be, I wouldn't want to write "SLUT" on my tits to reclaim the term, I'd just want people to stop using it. People are always calling me a wanker on this website, but I don't want to get the word "WANKER" written on my cock and march through central London, masturbating and chanting mildly witty slogans like: "I'm jerking off/But you're the jerk off!" I just want people to stop calling me a wanker.

So yeah, everyone, let's stop rape. And writers: let's stop pitching articles on the slut march, especially the "comedy" ones. Do you know how disheartening it is to know that there are dozens of people out there who aren't even as funny as Frankie Boyle?

WORDS: DICKIE TUMMY

PICTURES: HOLLY LUCAS & HENRY LANGSTON