Itsi and his galactic wang.
The Two Greatest Inventions of All Time, Together at Last
BY JASON CROMBIE
When history looks back at our quaint little era, it will focus on two things, the two most outstanding technological achievements of mankind: Segways and lightsabers. Segways are the chariots of the modern age, and lightsabers are the sabers of the modern age. Why hasn’t anyone thought to combine them? Well, we have. We have thought to combine them into a genius new sport called Sabersegging that we here at Vice magazine have invented. Copyright: us. Step 1 was inventing this genius game (done), and step 2 was sending Vice correspondent Jason Crombie off to become the first Sabersegger ever in existence. Take it away, Crombo.
Before you can Saberseg, you must first master both Segging and sabering. Itsi Atkins is a horny, gnomelike gentleman and New York’s foremost Segway instructor. He’s actually New York’s only Segway instructor, since no one else wants to do it. It was difficult to master the art of the Segway, not because I’m a slow learner or anything, but because Itsi was primarily concerned with teaching the two ladies who were there with me. I kept asking for a go but Itsi couldn’t or wouldn’t hear me. He was too busy telling Amy and Gabi to “show us your girls.” According to Itsi, Segways are controlled by sticking your boobs out as far as possible. At one point Itsi actually jumped on a Segway behind Amy and did a reach-around move like the pottery scene from Ghost, only not as consensual. It’s also worth mentioning that later on, Itsi produced a large leather paddle, which he used to strike the ladies’ bottoms as they whizzed past on the Segways. I am not making this up. Itsi has a thing for paddlin’, and he explained that in his free time he likes to participate in a little light Segway S&M.
Ready, set, Saberseg!
After the girls escaped Itsi’s clutches, I was allowed to climb on board a Segway myself and the lesson began. At first I found it difficult to move forward and Itsi explained that it was because I didn’t have tits. “This thing is really a hooter-scooter,” he said, before launching into a lengthy exposition on pyramids (really).
Eventually, after much smiling, nodding, and hoping I didn’t receive a dose of “Bad Touch,” Itsi’s bizarre tutorial seeped in and Segwaying felt as natural and fluid as riding a bike. Yeah, they make you look like a tit, but they sure are a fuckload of fun. I thanked Itsi kindly. He wasn’t that bad really, just supernaturally randy.
A pretty rainbow assortment of lightsabers.
Next I had to master saber-craft, and who better to help me than the Star Wars–obsessed lunatics from the New York Jedi Academy, a self-described “lightsaber enthusiast collective.” These guys are the best. They’re like cartoon caricatures of nerds come to life and they’re having more fun than we can even imagine. They were gracious enough to let me sit in on one of their weekly classes held in a loft in Brooklyn, and within the first ten minutes of being there I heard no fewer than five Monty Python quotes (one guy introduced himself as “There are some who call me… Tom?”) and at least one Caddyshack reference.
Most of the Jedis come in full costume and most have their own assortment of customized and sometimes homemade lightsabers, which look awesome. They glow real nice and some even make the “voow-voow” noise when you wave them about. The battling is also impressive. It’s choreographed stage combat, like WWF only skinnier
Flynn uses the Force to master advanced headstand-Segging.
The author demonstrates his fearsome battle stance.
One of the main dudes, Flynn, took me through some basic fencing maneuvers: the rebound, the follow-through, the bit where you lock swords and glare at each other through the crossed blades. I was a fairly lousy swordsman to begin with, but then slowly, thanks to Flynn’s expert guidance, I became awesome. I liked Flynn—slaying him aboard my Segway was going to hurt me more than it hurt him, but actually it was mostly going to hurt him.
Finally, it was time to battle. After a handshake and a withering stare, we each mounted our machines and zipped to the farthest ends of the Academy, then we spun round to face each other and went at it. It was gnarly. Everyone began chanting “Kill! Kill! Kill!” from the sidelines, except Itsi who was bellowing at us not to damage his Segways. It was pandemonium! Flynn kept hurling random movie quotes at me as we clashed. “We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete” and “The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.” I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about but it was a good psych-out. And then, with a great clatter of plastic, we crashed the Segways into each other and I hurt my foot. Naturally, Itsi was furious. He admonished us like children and shut the whole fracas down.
And thus, the first-ever Sabersegging battle in the history of time—and one of the funnest, most exhausting days of my life—was called to an end. It went by in a flash, but its memory is seared forever into the minds of all who witnessed the legendary event. I predict that Sabersegging will become the next big thing in the field of specialized combat-sport-fighting technology. And I shall be its leader.
For more two-wheel dueling, check out our new series From the Pages of Vice on VBS.TV. in April.