Unless you’re one of those annoyingly together people who is always in a relationship, chances are that at some point in the last few years you’ve downloaded a hook-up app. If you’re straight this most likely means Tinder or Hinge; if you’re a bisexual woman or a lesbian maybe you’ve used HER; and if you’re a bisexual man or gay it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ve downloaded Grindr, even if it’s only to message people at 4AM while you’re pissed as a fart and extremely horny.
So, with that in mind, it’s no wonder that pop music – with its penchant for relatability and affinity for technology – would start to mirror humanity’s need for a quick, zipless-fuck. What I’m saying is: the Grindr bop is now a thing. However, unlike your traditional “grind on me at the club and then come back to mine and bang” jams of the 90s and 00s, the Grindr bop acknowledges the fetishised cybersexual aspect of an online anonymous hook-up. These songs pound with the heart-hammering nerves of when someone shares their location and you know you’re gonna get fucked. They’re the aural equivalent of a headless torso. They pulse with the back and forth of intense sexting. They’re dirty, nervous, excitable, desperate, filthy and erotic. They’ll even send you an unsolicited dick pic.
The most recent example of these Grindr bops is the debut single from YouTuber-turned-popstar Miss Benny (aka Ben J Pierce). The song is called “Rendezvous” (subtle) and it sounds like it just messaged you to say that the door was on the latch and it’s waiting for you on all fours. It’s also really fucking good.
This got me thinking: what are some of the best Grindr bops to listen to when you’re thirsty and feel like whetting your whistle? Below, I’ve collated some Grindr bops and using a complicated and precise formulae (the aubergine/eggplant emoji) ranked them on how much they make you DTF.
Miss Benny – “Rendezvous”
Since this tune sparked it all off, why not start with Miss Benny’s “Rendezvous”? Given that this song features the lyric “Do you wanna come through? / Slide in like your old guitar”, there’s no doubt about the intention here. The saloon-esque guitars are like an inviting come on, while lyrically Miss Benny relishes the danger and risk of hooking up with some random guy online. It’s all part of the fun.
Years & Years – “Rendezvous”
There’s a bit of an emotional tug to Years & Years’ “Rendezvous”. While definitely still a song about fucking, lead singer Olly Alexander traverses the complications of casual hook-ups and what happens when questions of attachment come into play. It’s an inevitability, especially if you’ve been hooking up with the same person on an app for while and both parties are unsure if what you’re doing constitutes dating. Rather wisely, though, Olly is here to remind you that it’s probs better to keep things just physical.
Katy Perry – “Roulette”
While we might have all dabbled with a hook-up app, not all of us are that experienced or comfortable with random and anonymous sex. Well, Katy Perry is here to tell you to chill out a bit and let your hair down. It’s not necessarily a song about what happens when you do meet up with someone, but more about psyching yourself up to take the plunge and actually meet with someone. It captures the thrill of anonymity and the nervous energy of exploring the unknown. Even better, Perry is a hosting advocating, too, when she sings: “So I drop a pin to my location/ Let's roll the dice.” This girl accoms and she’s proud of it.
Rating: 🍆 🍆🍆🍆
Troye Sivan – “Seventeen”
It’s fair to say that out of all of Troye Sivan’s songs, “Seventeen” is not the sexiest. The track – a glimmering slice of sad synthpop – is actually about what many LGBTQ folk experience when they’re young: the search for sexual company among people who are old enough to be your parents. It ticks a number of #relatable boxes, especially if you’re queer, but it’s not a song that makes you want to fire up the apps. In fact if anything, “Seventeen” is a song you should play when you’re jaded by the whole idea of using the same phone you use to message your parents to organise a hook-up.
Britney Spears – "Do You Wanna Come Over?)
Britney Spears’ music has always been about sex in some form or another. So it’s only natural that she’d embrace the Grindr bop with open arms. Taken from her underrated but brilliant 2016 album Glory, this song provides the answer for anyone suffering with pangs of loneliness. The bassline of this song actually throbs, as Britney opens herself up to all and any suggestions. Whatever you want? She does it. She just wants to help relieve some stress. This Britney banger is all about using hook up apps to let out that pent up sexual frustration by being a generous lover. So, do you wanna come over?
Adore Delano – “DTF”
With “DTF”, RuPaul’s Drag Race alum and former American Idol hopeful Adore Delano has created a song for all you dick monsters out there (HIYA Sam Smith). As they explained during a YouTube video, the track is about “not caring if the guy is ugly if his penis is right”, which, if you’ve ever used Grindr, Scruff or Hornet, you’ll understand is basically about 70 percent of the guys that use the apps. This is a song about being a slut and loving it, and if that doesn’t make you want to get that bussy/pussy out into the world then I can recommend a good nunnery to you.
Demi Lovato – "Sexy Dirty Love"
Ever since bicurious banger “Cool For The Summer”, I should have been aware that Demi Lovato wasn’t sex-shy. However, “Sexy Dirty Love” is like being hit round the face with a giant dildo. Over pronounced funky bass and EDM-sized beats, Demi perfectly sums up the building sexual tension when you’re getting X-rated on the apps. From sharing fleshy nude photos or describing how you’re going to ravish each other when you do meet up, Demi ultimately understands that to achieve true pleasure, you’re going to have to fuck.
APPS – "SAKIMA (feat. Robokid)"
While it might sound like the equivalent of a NSA fuckfest held in an abandoned warehouse, it’s hard to know whether “APPS” by SAKIMA featuring Robokid is actually pro-hook-up apps or chastising the effect that they’ve had on the world, especially for the LGBTQ community. It sounds sexy, dark and dirty, but perhaps this is one to store away for when you’ve been rejected or found yourself stuck chatting to time wasters.