You might think Raheem Sterling has it all. And yes, the 20-year-old Manchester City player does have a great deal. He is the most expensive English footballer ever. He earns £160,000 per week. And his luxury home includes an indoor pool, half a basketball court, a games room, and a personal barber's area.
Which is all terribly nice (and intriguing - what does a personal barber's area look like?)
But Sterling's home also features a £10,000 Yamaha piano. And while this might sound great, there is a dark truth lurking in that luxury home: Raheem can not play his £10,000 piano.
A 'source' told the Daily Star: "He bought the piano a while back and had been walking past it every day and running his fingers down the keyboard, promising himself that one day he'd get some lessons."
Now isn't that just the saddest image in the history of the world? Raheem, rushing out the door to head to training, only for his eye to be caught by the sunlight bouncing off a pristine ivory key on his £10,000 piano. He walks back to it, gently caresses the key, and stares wistfully at the instrument. "One day," Raheem whispers. "One day."
Or perhaps you can picture Raheem, sat in his well appointed lounge on Sunday evening, three points in the bag for City, but unable to make his piano sing the sweet songs he knows it capable of. "Raheem," his girlfriend Paige Milian calls down the stairs, "come to bed." But Raheem cannot move. He sits staring at his unplayable piano all night long, the sun rising behind him as dawn breaks. Birds begin to sing and Raheem weeps, for he knows he cannot make his piano sing.
Raheem has two options: kill all the birds everywhere in the world or learn to play the £10,000 piano. Ornithologists will be pleased to know that he picked option B and hired a teacher.
"He's taken the plunge and is enjoying immersing himself in the music," the 'source' told the Star.
"He is proving quite adept, he's got rhythm and flow on the field and people with that inner feeling for balance and timing usually make good pupils."
You might well believe that barrage of nonsense, mystery source, but if Raheem's spending all his time on the piano what's going to happen to his personal barber's area? Now isn't that just the saddest image in the history of the world? Raheem, rushing out the door to head to training, only for his eye to be caught by the sunlight bouncing off a £700 executive razor...