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Nutella Will Be Used to Sterilise Squirrels in the UK

Members of an anti-squirrel cabal will be using everyone’s favourite hazelnut spread to do their bidding.

by Nick Rose
01 March 2017, 9:00am

Photo via Flickr user Andres Rodriguez

If the fringe of the fringe of conspiracy theorists are to be believed, shape-shifting interdimensional reptilians from royal bloodlines are trying to thin the herd of humanity by covertly sterilising the masses.

While the jury is still out on that wild claim, we do know for sure that a member of the British royal family has approved the large-scale forced sterilisation of that other invasive mammalian species: squirrels. But it gets darker.

The members of this anti-squirrel cabal will be using everyone's favourite "hazelnut" spread to do their bidding.

According to The Independent, Prince Charles approved this plan during a meeting with the Illuminati-sounding UK Squirrel Accord, an association of 32 woodland, timber industry, and conservation organisations whose professed goal is to keep "red squirrel populations protected and thriving and greys controlled, through targeted and sustained action."

READ MORE: We Should Think About Eating Squirrel

Those targeted and sustained actions are set to include luring greys into a trap containing Nutella laced with GonaCon, a vaccine that sterilises mammals by suppressing the hormones necessary for reproduction.

In doing so, the UK Squirrel Accord is seeking to protect indigenous red squirrels who are clearly losing the evolutionary battle to craftier, chocolate-bar-stealing grey squirrels that were introduced from North America in the 19th century. But that intelligence and appetite for sugar will ultimately lead to their demise.

"It is the most exciting prospect I have seen for controlling greys," Lord Charles Kinnoull, the chairman of the Squirrel Accord, told The Times. "In order to do that we have to reduce the grey population very substantially and this will be a very important weapon in the armoury."

Them be fightin' words, and probably the only time that Nutella has been described as "very important weapon" in any "armoury." But now, you can just picture Lord Kinnoull sitting in his mahogany-lined study, staring at an antique globe, and drinking $20,000 beer from a taxidermied squirrel bottle.