Hey Everyone, Rihanna's Moving to Hoxton!

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A couple of days ago, the Sun reported that Rihanna will soon be moving to London. Not only will she be moving to London, but she will be landing a property in "trendy" Hoxton. Once she's settled in the "Zoolander capital of the Big Smoke" (WTF, Gordon Smart?), she will “have a BMX, pencil moustache and a load of vintage jumpers and glasses she doesn't need”, because that's what everyone in Hoxton does, isn't it, the Sun?

We spoke to people who actually live in Hoxton about RiRi shacking up next door. These are, after all, who Rihanna will be sharing her new stamping ground with. John from over the road, Marlene from the salon, Rhys from the chippy – what do they think about their famous new neighbour?

Albi, 18, student.

VICE: Hey man. Did you know Rihanna’s moving to Hoxton?
Albi: No! She’s rich. What's she doing moving to Hoxton?

What do you think attracted her to the area?
Hoxton and Hackney is known for partying – she’s not an old lady. But there's a lot of problems with teenagers and drugs and alcohol around here. I'm not sure why she wants to move here, actually.

Really?
No.

OK!

Sandra [age and profession withheld].

VICE: What do you think about someone like Rihanna moving into the area?
Sandra: She’s just another rich person, makes no difference. You cut her, she bleeds; we all do. She might bring some good looking men here, though! Yummy yummy yummy!

What do you think attracted her to the area?
It’s not this bit, darling, it’s Old Street, Hoxton Square. [sighs] Oh, I don't really care. It's always the same.

What's always the same?
Life.

…
It’s just an RP stunt [sic], isn’t it? We've always had famous people coming and going. Bianca used to live round here, you know?

Bianca?
Yeah, from Eastenders.

Patrick, 55, software programmer.

VICE: Did you know Rihanna was moving to Hoxton?
Patrick: No.

Do you know who she is?
She’s a singer, or something like that.

What do you think Rihanna would think of Hoxton?
I suspect there are some very wealthy areas around here that she could live in quite happily. She could come and live as one of my neighbours down in Windsor along with Elton John and Kylie Minogue, if she likes.

You know Elton John?
Not personally, no, but…

What bars would you recommend to Rihanna?
The Bricklayer’s Arms. Or The Rivington Restaurant, the lobster is the best I've had.

Trevor, 45, musician.

VICE: Had you heard that Rihanna is moving to Hoxton?
Trevor: No, I hadn’t!

Well what do you think about it?
That’s cool man, that’s alright.

Don't you worry that having a famous person living locally will drive house prices up?
House prices are going up anyway! If she has a lot of money, she might put some into Hoxton. I hope she moves in next to me!

You're a musician, if you saw her in the street, would you ask her round to yours for a jam sesh?
I’d ask her for her digits and see if we could make a tune together, ragga or drum and bass.

Do you think that’s the reason she’s attracted to the area, the music scene?
She might be wanting to meet the Ragga Twins!

Is that your band? You guys own that off licence with "CHEAP BOOZE" written on the side in massive letters, don't you?
Yeah ;)

Maria, “40-something”, teaching assistant.

VICE: Did you know Rihanna was moving to Hoxton?
Maria: [raises eyebrows, rolls eyes] I did hear she was filming in Hackney, yes.

Are you a fan of hers?
Not really. She’s done well being from the Caribbean. And she’s a beautiful lady. I’m just not a fan of hers. I liked her before she changed her image. She just does what all girls do when they're famous, bumping and grinding [sighs]. I only know about her because of my daughter. She'd probably be out here looking for her if she knew.

Would you call the police on her if she was having a loud house party?
To be honest, most people do that around here already.

Where would you recommend locally for food and drink?
She’s got a good selection around here. I normally go to Paula’s Café, as you get a good amount of food. Or the Ginger Pig. If she’s looking for Caribbean food, Sandringham Road is the best.

Jake, 23, DJ/ Producer.

VICE: Did you know Rihanna’s moving to Hoxton?
Jake: I hadn’t heard. It could be good publicity for her.

Is it the right time for Rihanna to be moving to Hoxton?
Hoxton’s huge right now. Ten years ago, there was nothing in Hoxton. It used to be all about the West End, but now everyone comes here, it’s the hotspot of London at the moment.

What kind of bars do you think she’d like round here?
She’s definitely a Hoxton Pony sort of girl. £10 a drink.

Could she become known as the 'Hoxton Pony'?
Maybe, she don't look like a horse though. That's a bit harsh, man.

What would you say to her if you saw her?
I’d ask for her autograph and ask her out for a drink.

Well best of luck, 'cause you sound smitten.