Dear Hollywood Wax Museum,
I recently visited your Los Angeles location, and was exceptionally disappointed with what I saw.
Upon entering, I was greeted by your Tom Hanks in Castaway waxwork. It was not very good. Scary, even.
I have never seen Castaway, so there may actually be a scene where Tom Hanks becomes blind in one eye. But I doubt that this is the case.
But it wasn't just your Tom Hanks that was awful. It was all of your waxworks. They look like something from the nightmares of a person who has been blind since birth and has no real concept of what human beings look like.
Some time ago, I watched a documentary about a ship that sank in the Baltic Sea. There was this one shot that has haunted me since, where they showed the beautiful, blonde wife of one of the people who had gone down with the ship. She was standing on the shoreline, looking out into the Baltic Sea as it slowly dawned on her that she would never be seeing her husband again. There was a sadness in her eyes that haunts me to this day.
Your Cameron Diaz looks identical to how that looks in my head. I am genuinely surprised she hasn't yet sued you for defamation.
Some of your waxworks are so bad that I would never have had even the slightest of clues who they were if I hadn't been told. Like this beautiful goth woman who, apparently, is meant to be Hugh Jackman.
However, credit where it's due, your Steve Jobs waxwork was actually very good. I'm not entirely sure why you decided to suspend him from the ceiling on wires, but bravo.
Beyond just looking, really, really, really, really shitty, your waxworks have a larger issue: You have, without exception, managed to depict each celebrity as a character in their least memorable movie.
For instance, you chose to depict Adam Sandler, star of The Waterboy, Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore and dozens of other films that people have actually seen (or heard of, even) as his character in the movie where it rains gumballs. Which, Google tells me, is called Bedtime Stories.
Pierce Brosnan, who has played James Bond multiple times, is shown as his character in The Thomas Crown Affair (who, for a millionaire art thief, is wearing a VERY cheap suit).
You put Sean Connery and Daniel Craig – who, again, have both played James Bond – as their characters in The Hunt for Red October and Cowboys & Aliens respectively.
And Michael Caine, who recently played Alfred in that super-popular Batman reboot, is shown as his character from The Cider House Rules.
It's almost as if you have some kind of supernatural power to predict which movie is going to be the least enduring of an actor's career.
You should sell this ability to movie studios. Like, they could call you up and say "Hey, we wanna make a comedy western with Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson – does that sound good to you? Like the kinda thing you'd wanna make into a waxwork? Yeah? Okay, cool, we're shutting it down." You could save them hundreds of millions of dollars a year.
I realise that these things are probably pretty expensive to make. But come on, guys, The Cable Guy? That has been nobody's favourite Jim Carrey movie for almost 20 years now. How much could it possibly cost to toss a Hawaiian shirt on this thing and make it Ace Ventura?
It's not like you're incapable of change. Judging by the surroundings and private investigator badge, this used to be Keanu in Constantine. Judging by the plaid shirt it's currently wearing, you made the wise decision to change it to Speed Keanu instead.
So why are we still having to look at Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes era Mark Wahlberg?
I can understand why you wouldn't put the effort in to change things up – the place was PACKED when I visited, so I guess you have little incentive to do anything.
Unless... Wait. Are you guys trying to piss people off? Is this an elaborate troll?
I can think of no other reason why there would be not just one, but fucking TWO Jack Blacks.
Just to be clear, you have none of these people represented: The Beatles, Meryl Streep, Robin Williams, Elton John, Whitney Houston, Oprah, Bruce Willis, Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts, Eddie Murphy, John Travolta, Madonna, Jack Nicholson, George Clooney, James Dean, Whoopi Goldberg, Sandra Bullock, every US president ever, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Michael Jordan, Judy Garland, Audrey Hepburn, Patrick Swayze.
But you have both Nacho Libre AND Tropic Thunder Jack Black...
Holy shit! That's it, isn't it? You're trying to annoy people.
Why else would you take Indiana Jones, one of the most beloved movie characters of all time, and position him so it's impossible to get your photograph taken with him without including Shia LaBeouf?
Or your Star Wars room, where you put Luke, Leia, Yoda, Darth Maul and Han Solo up on a balcony where nobody could get their pictures taken with them, to make room for:
Jennifer. Fucking. Garner. Now, you must know she isn't in Star Wars, right? And you must also know that no living human is as broad-shouldered as this waxwork?
Very good, you guys. You really had me going for a minute there.
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT
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