Hot Dog and The Lady Bun - All Aboard the Dating Train

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and The Lady Bun,
I see hotties all the time on the train but can never get up the courage to speak to them. What are some sweet tips for meeting people on the train?

-Boner on the B

Dear Boner,

Great question. The beauty of meeting someone on the train or bus is that it’s transient, which sets the perfect tone for most modern relationships: one that is fleeting. Taking public transportation is a lot like intercourse, in that it’s sweaty and you often have to pay for it. But also like sex, you need to move quickly, because people want to be in and out of that train as fast as possible. Here’s what we think about getting into some train-stink.

Hot Dog’s Advice
The best time for lady-talking on the train is the “Magic Hour,” which is after the bars close, but before the train gets creepy. The Magic Hour can be as long as two hours or as short as ten minutes. Check your local train schedule. Then, just follow these easy tips, and soon you’ll be making love exactly the same way you ride on a crowded train: no eye contact, lots of inappropriate touches, and loudly announcing everything you’re going to do next.

●  If you see a young lady reading a book, try this on for size: Slap the book out of her hands and yell, “Why you keep droppin’ your book?!” Before she can answer, paper airplane your number to her with a note saying, “I’m great at billiards!” Then skip out the door.

●  Try riding between the train cars while making constant eye contact with a lady. It lets her know that you’re dangerous AND have good eye muscle control.

●  Yell, “Love Emergency!” and pull the emergency cord right when she’s in front of you. She’ll fall right into your arms and you can whisper, “Don’t worry, I know mouth to mouth… for genitals.”

Now that you’ve made “first contact” with these beautiful aliens we call women, what’s the best way to convince her to have close encounters of the NUDE kind with you? Try lighting a few of these conversation fire-logs and go from being a chatter-box to munchin’ box:

●  Fancy a lady who’s wearing pants? Point to her crotch and ask, “Is there an express train to that stop?”

●  Let a girl know you’re sensitive AND independent: “I take the train because I believe in saving the environment and also because I’m legally blind. Are you actually a girl? I’m going by scent alone here.”

●  Remember, people are on the train because they can’t afford a car! Make yourself a suit out of newspapers and tell a pretty gal, “We’re all paupers on the train. Wanna hobo snuggle?”

L’ Advice L’ Lady Bun
Simply looking pretty will not get men to talk to you on the train. You have to be pretty, vulnerable, and making constant eye contact with every man in mass transit. In fact, I would recommend always looking like you’re either lost of scared. This might seem dangerous, but trust me, something WILL happen for you. It might be a sexy love connection, or a fun police report! As the ancient Greek proverb says, “Fortune favors the bold!” (But the Greeks also fucked young boys, so take what those crazy assholes said with a grain of salt.) Let’s start by getting you noticed:

●  Men like a damsel in distress. Drop all the contents of your makeup bag on the ground and yell, “Help! I dropped all my pretty!”

●  Appeal to a man’s animalistic side and act like a pigeon by pecking at his bagel with your mouth for two stops.

●  Try staring intently at the map above a handsome man’s head and mutter, “It all makes no sense without a man.”

So what are some things you can say in the hectic, time-sensitive scenario that is your daily commute? Try these simple, friendly “openers” to get him yappin’ and your beave flappin’:

●  See a handsome man next to you? How about telling him a little about yourself, such as, “I get around by train and also by being super easy.”

●  You're on a train, stupid! Asking where you're going is always a good icebreaker. Try, “Does this choo-choo make a stop at Nice to Meet You Town?”

●  Make an interesting observation, such as: “This subway car has more poles than a strip club…. And when I say that, I’m talking about Polish women.”

Are you in a dating pickle? Email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com and we’ll eat your pickle and use the juice to do picklebacks.

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Previously - Dating Advice