High Spy

Photo by Katie Murray

Hello! I'm a coldhearted, misanthropic drug addict, and if you work in any small-to-medium-to-huge-size company it's very likely you spend each day alongside somebody like me. Last year, the U.S. Department of Justice announced that nearly one million individuals become victims of violent crime—mostly committed by people under the influence of drugs and alcohol—while working. When bosses and shareholders and presidents heard this, they hired undercover agents to weed out the miscreants. In short, I am a fucking narc and I work for a corporation that rents me and my fellow narcs out to your bosses for the sole purpose of getting you fired. I'm just like any other employee. I've worked warehouses, stockrooms, mailrooms…wherever. A lot of these places just have guys doing the same old stupid shit: taking long lunch breaks and stealing office supplies. But I'm always under pressure to produce results. That's where I got the idea of essentially entrapping people. "Hey, buddy, you want to get high?"—that sort of thing. Mostly I'll get my victims high on weed, but if I really take a dislike to somebody, I'll get some rock, stand near where I know there's a camera, and get them fucking annihilated like Pookie in New Jack City. The bosses tip me off whenever there's a mandatory drug test coming, so usually I strike right before it's piss-cup day. Guilt? Ehhh, maybe a little. Not much, though. I only get minimum wage, but I'm on the so-called management track and am officially sanctioned to get high all day. Fucking unbelievable, no? They hire undercover drug addicts so they can fire their employees who get high a little bit, so their companies look better if the cops or government ever take a peek. Because of the risky nature of the job and the constant threat of being exposed and having the shit kicked out of me, I move around a lot. That doesn't bother me, though. The more I learn about people and their motivation to make money by towing the line and sucking the man's dick, the more I want to take them down. In fact, whenever I get somebody fired, I feel great about it. There's always someone else ready to fill their job anyway. It's sort of like natural selection. Shit, someone's coming…I have to go. EUGENE ROBINSON