Let’s Instantly and Arbitrarily Rate Everything On Show at Ubisoft’s E3 2016 Conference

Aisha Tyler is on stage. She's taking the piss out of Los Angeles, mainly by saying it smells of the stuff. (It does, a bit.) Let's do this.

Just Dance 2017
Dancing tigers and candy canes. Giraffes. Panda bears. Too many smiles for this time of day. Do people still buy these games? Like, real people. Not aunts at Christmas for their nieces because the guy in GAME is desperate to shift the mountains of stock out back. This one is coming to all systems available now and the Nintendo NX, when that mystery box arrives in 2017.
5/10

Ghost Recon: Wild Lands
A cinematic trailer to begin with. Voice over from some obvious despot maniac in charge of a fictional South or Central American country. (Okay, it's Bolivia, which is real enough.) Bald men with tattooed faces are never good guys. Guns, car chase, helicopter, drugs, and more guns: everything loud and meaningless. We are all elite spec-ops sorts dropped behind enemy lines, in pursuit of an evil big bad. This is an open-world game that works both for a single-player approach and in (up to four-player) co-op. There's a whole lot of talk about it being set in a massive environment; but the problem we usually find with that approach is wide expanses of nothing to do within the world. Gameplay footage seems to back up the sales patter. Co-op play looks like the way to go with this one, with individual operatives in charge of different vehicles and fulfilling specialist roles, as the world looks large enough to be instantly lonely in, otherwise. Not that it isn't a pretty place to mess around in and shoot some shit up, but this is definitely coming out as a social experience, not a solo one. Release date is March the 7th, 2017.
6/10, would have been a 7/10 but bloody hell that gameplay footage went on forever

South Park: The Fractured But Whole
Cartman is "The Coon". Here's Matt Stone and Trey Parker to explain more. As per the previous Ubi South Park game, The Stick of Truth, you're a new kid in the titular town, and where its predecessor had a fantasy vibe going on, now it's more superheroes and corresponding movie deals than orcs and goblins and princesses and that. We get to see the game's character creation system, where you craft your own superhero persona, with powers to match; and then Cartman gives you a bump-and-grind origin story. There are chuckles in the crowd, and rightly so, because this is funny. The turn-based combat's been overhauled, incorporating greater movement in each encounter, and environmental assets to use to your advantage for extra damage. The game looks good. The game before it was good. This will be good. Probably. Find out for yourself when it comes out on December the 6th, with pre-orders including a gratis copy of The Stick of Truth.
7/10

The Division: Underground
"Endless replayability", coming your way in June 2017. And this is just one part of a long-term DLC plan. So, yeah, if The Division is your thing: hooray. Before then is Survival, a new odds-against-you expansion "coming soon". Cinematic trailers that go on too long need to get themselves banned from E3.
6/10

Eagle Flight
Here's a new VR project from Ubisoft Montréal, made for Oculus (at least, of not other VR setups, too). We get to see PvP play over the city of Paris, essentially "capture the flag", or the prey in this case, since the six players are all eagles. Piercing screeches and everything. It's impossible to really show off VR without doing it, so Ubi are onto a loser here, showing it off in this manner. Not that there's another way to do things. Looks like it's a fun-for-five sort of thing, though who's going to have six VR units to hand in order to do it, like this, I don't know. There's no mention of online multiplayer compatibility. One would assume it has it. Or else, I mean, how… Surely?
5/10

Star Trek: Bridge Crew
It's more VR – co-operative, in this instance, with four players filling different roles on a spaceship's bridge. Cast members from previous Star Trek telly shows and movie pictures are very pleased with it all. Looks like a total novelty production that Trekkies will want, naturally, and can split the epic cost of between a group of them; but anyone with a degree of distance from the franchise will likely steer clear of this, due to what looks like gameplay with all the depth of a soggy beer coaster. And the prohibitive asking price that comes with needing four VR headsets and Touch controllers to Do It Properly.
4/10

For Honor
"Doom came to us all," says the introductory spiel of another cinematic trailer. Certainly did, just a few weeks ago. I liked it. For Honor, though? Hack and slash, slash and hack; take a slash, get your knob hacked off. Vikings, though, and there aren't enough Vikings in video games. Vikings who are fighting against medieval knights, and samurai warriors, Exclusively Because Of Video Games. The game's creative director is explaining the game's campaign but honestly I can't follow what the plot of this is, at all, or what the "why" behind the "what" is. The reception in the Orpheum Theatre feels pretty muted. The melee combat looks a little like Ryse: Son of Rome meeting Dynasty Warriors in a swamp. The messaging on For Honor needs work, before it comes out on Valentine's Day, 2017.
5/10

Grow Up
It's a Grow Home sequel. Instant yes. Your robot pal B.U.D. can fly about the place now, "an entire planetary playground", rather than just fall. All the way to the moon! Put me down for three copies. It comes out in August.
8/10

Trials of the Blood Dragon
Trials HD with guns and a Blood Dragon makeover. I mean: what it says on the tin has never been more what it says on the tin. The game is out right now. Like, now. Check it out via the trailer below.
7/10

The Assassin's Creed Movie
I'm Not Going To Watch It Because Going Outside Is Hell/10

Watch Dogs 2
We've Seen All This Already And Are Quite Possibly Bored Of It All By Now/10 (5/10 (okay 6/10 for Run the Jewels))

Steep
It's a new IP. With snow and wing suits. And races. (Maybe?) (Yes, definitely.) In an open world, the Alps. You know, those massive mountains in Europe that your better-off mates got to visit with those sticks on their feet for their winter holidays while you made do with a half-term in a caravan in Dorset. It looks beautiful. Truly. And how that guy says "drop zones"? Oh, I melt. But I have to run because Sony's conference starts soon, and LA is huge, and see ya.
Not Quite Sure Because My Brain's Elsewhere But It Looked Lovely/10 (Alright let's give it an 8/10 because that accent, I could listen to it all day.)

@MikeDiver

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