Welcome to All the Shit, a monthly column in which I prepare you for the season ahead by consulting the planets or whatever. Ignore your parents. Ignore your therapist. This is the only advice you’ll need from now on.
Do you remember the heatwave? From a few weeks ago? Me neither. I remember parts of it, vaguely – the endless pints, the burning sky, stomping round the flat topless like a trapped wasp even when the boiler man came over – but not really what it felt like. That was a different, more deranged version of myself. I've left that life behind now. We all have.
This change isn't just because the weather's cooled down. It’s also because we’ve just gone through Virgo season – AKA the time of year when we collectively slow down and sort our shit out. Maybe you changed internet providers. Maybe you finally called it off with that guy who looks a bit like Cole Sprouse if you squint but “doesn’t do oral.” Maybe you did two big shops at ASDA. Whatever: astrologically speaking, this past month has been a clean-up. It's been boring, perhaps, but it's been necessary.
But all that is about to change – because from September 23 until October 23, we enter Libra season. As I’ve said before, every 30 days or so the sun visits a new sign, and according to astrological law (law!) people tend to inhabit the traits of that sign during said period. I may be biased (I’m a double Libra), but we’re one of the most fun, romantic and sociable signs of the zodiac, and so is our season. But we're also lazy, superficial, fickle and actually kind of manipulative. Here’s how all of this will affect you:
Now is Not the Time For Confrontation
If you asked me – a Libra – to recall a time in which I confronted somebody, face to face, about something that bothered me, I honestly don't think I could tell you. I would rather combat roll out of a moving car and emigrate to a small village in Russia than call somebody out on their shitty behaviour. This one time, in the office, a random man who I do not know and who was probably just visiting, said “get me some water” and instead of saying “no, get it yourself” I ran to the tap and poured him a glass.
All of which is to say: Libras are lovers of harmony and balance, and for the next month, there will be rarely a cross word exchanged among us. Nah, this season is much more about getting on with people and having a nice time. Save all your resentments for Scorpio season.
You Will Fancy And Probably Hook Up With Some Weird People
Derek from accounts? That guy from the gym who you swear is genuinely Beppe from Eastenders? Your friend’s friend’s from school who probably votes tory, but it doesn't count if you don't ask? Libras develop weird crushes all the time because we get an adrenaline rush from any type of romance, and for the next 30 days, don't be surprised if you engage in some unexpected flings. Don’t worry, though, it’ll pass in the time it takes to pull up your pants and order an Uber. Libras are fickle, so don't take anything that happens this month too seriously.
You Will Be A Little Worm
Libras aren't chaotic evil, like, say, Scorpios or Geminis, but we do possess the unique ability to charm our way out of any situation, even if we're wrong. So say you hypothetically do something ~ bad ~ over the next month – like drinking your housemates Baileys, or fingering someone who isn't your significant other – it probably won't cause any lasting damage because everyone will be more chill and charming than usual. Just wink and throw some compliments in the right direction and all will be forgiven because you're so cute.
That Glo-Up You’ve Been Waiting For Might Finally Happen
It can be easy to let yourself go during Virgo season. Your image choices may have become purely practical – weird Slazenger trackies for Sainsburys, some sort of old American Apparel combo for work, hair just clean and normal while scrolling through emails. Fine. But Libra season isn't about that. We're ruled by Venus, the planet of love, sex, beauty and the arts, which means we're all about aesthetics – it's our top priority.
In other words, Libra season is essentially the Queer Eye of the astrological year. Expect to pay extra attention to the vibe you're giving off this autumn. Even if you're so hungover that you keep throwing up bile in the work toilets and you're sure thats a cum stain on your trouser leg, at least try and spin it into "a look.” If Kate Moss can make "snorting cocaine at Nelson Mandala's house" an absolute vibe, I'm sure you can make that greasy hair work for you. There's a reason Libra season happens right before cuffing season, baby.
Your Social Life Will Return To You
More than all the above, though, Libra season is mainly just about reconnecting with pals and having a good time. Your life could literally be falling apart – bank balance into the minus thousands, two STIs at least, a minor ketamine habit – but as long as you can turn it into a funny anecdote while wearing an outfit that says "fuck me", you'll be fine.
See you next month, for Scorpio season.