Objectively Correct Lists

Daves, Ranked

Finally, an official ranking of all the Daves.

by Noisey Staff
23 January 2018, 9:14am

Well, here it is, folks. The official ranking of the Daves. We’re not numbering them, because in our book, every Dave is number one!

Dave from the movie Encino Man

This Dave gives a bad name to Daves everywhere. Dave is supposed to be the protagonist in this movie, yet he behaves like a selfish social-climber, using his caveman friend to win popularity. Not cool, Dave. A seriously un-Dave-like thing to do.

Dave Schwimmer

Dave Schwimmer? We hardly knew her!

Dave Lee Roth

Runnin’ with the Dave-il.

Dave Chappelle

A legendary comic but his recent problematic specials are proof that sometimes not even being a Dave can save you.

Dave Marek

Dave works here on the third floor. A fine Dave indeed! Hi Dave!

Dave Letterman

Dave is easing into that retired guy/Margaritaville lifestyle like a boss. Handling his golden years like a true Dave.

Dave Tennant

Doctor Who? Doctor DAVE, that’s who.

Danny Dave-ito

Yeah, we know, he’s not technically a Dave, but we wanted to get him on here because he carries himself like a Dave.

Dave Lynch

Great director. Great haircut. Great Dave.

Dave and Buster’s

via daveandbusters.com

Dave and Dave’s, more like. Get Buster out of there, Buster.

Dave Alan Grier

It’s Dave Alan Clear that the name Dave rules, and that this Dave chooses perfect roles. Blankman was underrated.

Meet Dave

This movie was so overwhelmingly popular (likely because of the title) that the company that made it built this huge car of Dave’s head. They should’ve named this movie Driving Miss Davey!

Dave Wayans

We’re not sure if there’s actually a Dave Wayans, but there are so many Wayans that like, there’s gotta be, right?

Dave, the movie

With a 95% Rotten Tomatoes rating, Dave proves an indisputable fact: People love Dave. Give the people what they want: All Dave, all the time.

Dave Bowie

A legendary Dave, for sure, but we're docking points for his Ziggy Stardust phase where he forsook the name Dave.

Uncle Dave

Ah, good ol' Uncle Dave. Sure, he's had a few problems lately. The divorce hit him pretty hard and he's had trouble finding himself. But he's been taking a creative writing class at the Y and has been showing you some short stories he's been working on and honestly, they're not bad. Sure, a bit rough as far as narrative composition goes and the characters could use a lot of development. But there's an amateurish, "outsider art" quality about it that's quite endearing.

Dave Byrne

With a name like Dave Byrne, Dave could’ve been a first-rate insult comic. (Catchphrase: "You just got Dave Byrned!") Instead, he became the world’s foremost music expert. He’s living proof that if you Dave it, you can be it!


Dave J. Roth

Great writer, author of the famous “crab ragoon” tweet. The best Dave on Twitter.

Dave Cross

More like Dave Boss. High five!

Larry Dave

Pret-tay, pret-tay Dave.

Dave Spade

Ouch.

Darren Aronofsky

Oops, how did he get on here? When you think about it, though, Darrens and Daves give off the same sort of vibe.

Dave Crosby

Dave Crosby will ether you on Twitter if you step to him. Mess with the Dave, you get the horns.


Dave Franco

The better Franco brother just so happens to be the one named Dave. Coincidence? Uhhhh... we don’t think so.

Dave Navarro

Never worn a shirt once. Total Dave move.

Dave Grohl

As the famous Nirvana song goes: “Somebody once told me the world is gonna Dave Grohl me.”

Dave Foley

It’s been a true delight watching this Dave grow from a Kid in the Hall to a Man in the Hall in front of our very eyes.

Dave Davies

Being the guitarist for The Kinks? Cool. Being named Dave? Double cool. Having Dave in your name twice? Uhhhh…

Dave Guetta

This Dave knows it doesn’t get any “buetta” than being named Dave!

Dave Coulier

Props to this Dave for being immortalised in a song about Alanis Morissette going down on him in a movie theater. Pretty Dave Cool-ier if you ask us!

Dave Duchovny

The truth is out there: The name Dave rocks!

Dave and Goliath

Only someone with the name Dave could have defeated the massive Goliath. You never hear about someone named Steve defeating a giant. Chad vs. Goliath? Heck no. Legend has it that Goliath defeated 12 guys named Gary.

Dave “Davy” Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier

A pioneer not just for America but for Daves everywhere. Literally put Daves on the map.

Dave (the rapper)

Think about the sheer devastation to his SEO this Dave took by claiming the name Dave as a rapper. Some dumbass label exec probably suggested to him that he go by Lil Dave or Yung Dave, but he waved them all away. Death before Dave dishonour.

Dave Hasselhoff

Everyone has spent an evening on the kitchen floor, drunk-eating a cheeseburger. But when Dave Hasselhoff does it, he becomes even more famous. That’s the power of Dave right there.

Dave Matthews (from Dave Matthews Band)

Prince was the only Prince. Madonna is the only Madonna. Dave Matthews isn’t the only Dave, but of all the Daves on this list, he comes closest to owning the name. Because of him, whenever you see someone in socks and sandals, you’ll hear the wind whisper the name “Dave.”

What do all you Daves think? Sound off in the comments!

This article originally appeared on Noisey US.