What's Gone On This Week: Free Transport for Everyone (in Luxembourg)!

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

IN A TRULY LEGENDARY MOVE, LUXEMBOURG IS BECOMING THE FIRST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD TO MAKE ALL PUBLIC TRANSPORT FREE. AS OF SUMMER 2019, TRAINS, TRAMS AND BUSES WILL COST THE GRAND TOTAL OF FUCKING ZILCH IN AN EFFORT TO TACKLE TRAFFIC CONGESTION. THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS MADE BY PRIME MINISTER, XAVIER BETTEL, AS HE WAS SWORN IN FOR A SECOND TERM ALONGSIDE STATEMENTS THAT HE WAS ALSO CONSIDERING “INTRODUCING TWO NEW PUBLIC HOLIDAYS AND LEGALISING RECREATIONAL CANNABIS”.

SEEING OTHER COUNTRIES ACKNOWLEDGING ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AND RESPONDING TO THEM ACCORDINGLY IS BOTH UPLIFTING AND DEPRESSING WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE FACT THAT OUR OWN GOVERNMENT THINKS A WORLD LEADING NEW SOURCE OF RENEWABLE ENERGY LIKE THE TIDAL LAGOON WAS “NOT COST EFFECTIVE” AT £1.3BN BUT SPENDING £205BN ON APOCALYPTIC SUBMARINES THAT, IF EVER USED, WOULD SPELL THE END OF HUMAN LIFE, IS WORTHWHILE. IF ANY UK POLITICIAN PROPOSED THIS SORT OF GLORIOUS SHIT IN PARLIAMENT MORE HEADS WOULD BE ROLLING AROUND THE FLOOR THAN IN SLEEPY FUCKING HOLLOW.

IF YOU’RE NOT ALREADY SUSPICIOUS ABOUT LIFE IN BRITAIN BEING A GIANT PONZI-SCHEME: AN OPEN RETURN TRAIN TICKET FROM LONDON TO MANCHESTER LITERALLY COST A WOMAN £338. BY WAY OF CELEBRATION, RAIL FARES ARE SET TO RISE 3.1 PERCENT IN JANUARY. WHICH WOULDN’T BE SO BAD IF WE COULD ALL ACTUALLY SEE WHERE THE HUNDREDS-OF-BILLIONS WE SPEND ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT IS GOING. BUT WHEN YOU’RE TRAVELLING ALONG ON A TIN SHITBOX BUILT FROM THE BODY OF A BUS THAT RATTLES YOU LIKE A FUCKING A B&Q PAINT MIXER AS YOU DESPERATELY HOLD IN A PISS BECAUSE THE TOILETS HAVE BEEN LOCKED BECAUSE IT IS SIMPLY TOO EXPENSIVE TO MEET BASIC MODERN DISABILITY REQUIREMENTS YOU CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER: WHAT THE FUCK IS ACTUALLY GOING ON.

THIS WAS THE OPINION OF ADVOCATE GENERAL OF THE EUROPEAN COURT OF JUSTICE, MANUEL CAMPOS SANCHEZ-BORDONA, THIS WEEK.

ANTI-BREXIT POLITICIANS AND CAMPAIGNERS WHO BROUGHT THE CASE TO THE ECJ HOPED IT WOULD GIVE MPS AN EXTRA OPTION WHEN CONSIDERING HOW TO VOTE ON THERESA MAY’S PROPOSED SHIT BREXIT DEAL NEXT TUESDAY. SNP MEP, ALYN SMITH, SAID THAT PARLIAMENT WAS NOT JUST FACING A CHOICE BETWEEN ACCEPTING THERESA MAY’S DEAL OR LEAVING THE EU WITH NO DEALS. “THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS, AND WE CAN STOP THE CLOCK”.

STOPPING THE BREXIT CLOCK IN A BERNARD'S WATCH TYPE SCENARIO WOULD NO DOUBT BE SENSIBLE, BUT INSTEAD OF MAGICALLY HELPING YOUR FATHER CHEAT AT GOLF OR WHATEVER THAT LITTLE CUNT GOT UP TO, WE COULD PREVENT TENS-OF-MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WITHIN THE UK BEING CONSIDERABLY WORSE OFF.

I GET THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE STILL OF THE MINDSET THAT “IT WAS THE PEOPLE'S DECISION ” – BUT IF THE PEOPLE’S OPINIONS ARE SO SACRED I’D HAVE TO ASK WHY WE DON’T WE GET TO VOTE ON THINGS LIKE HAVING A THREE DAY WEEKEND OR THE AGE OF RETIREMENT BUT ONLY ON AN ISSUES WE ARE GROSSLY MISINFORMED ON. SURELY THE WHOLE POINT OF ELECTING THESE CUNTS TO PARLIAMENT IN THE FIRST PLACE IS THAT THEY MAKE THESE GIANT ECONOMICALLY CONSEQUENTIAL DECISIONS ON OUR BEHALF. AND CONSIDERING A SMALL GROUP OF RIGHT-WING BREXITEERS IN PARLIAMENT ENGINEERED A REFERENDUM ALONGSIDE THEIR NON-DOM BILLIONAIRE MEDIA-MOGUL MASTERS IN THE FIRST PLACE IT’S NOT TOO FAR-FETCHED TO ACCEPT THAT THE PUBLIC MIGHT HAVE CHANGED THEIR MIND IN THE TIME SINCE WE VOTED.

OF COURSE IF WE DID CANCEL BREXIT AND HAVE ANOTHER REFERENDUM THERE WOULD STILL BE NO GUARANTEE OF THE REMAIN SIDE WINNING GIVEN THEIR TANTALIZING FIRST CAMPAIGN OFFERING AMOUNTED TO “I KNOW THINGS ARE SHIT GUYS BUT THEY WILL STAY SHIT”. GIVEN THE EVENTS OF THE LAST TWO YEARS THOUGH “LESS SHIT THAN BREXIT” MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A BAD SHOUT.

TUI HAS HAD TO REFUND A COUPLE ON HOLIDAY AT A JAMAICAN 5-STAR RESORT AFTER THE HOTEL STAFF CREATED AN EFFIGY OF THE COUPLE’S DEAD SON IN AN EXTREMELY MISGUIDED ATTEMPT AT A “TRIBUTE”.

THE FAMILY HAD MADE AN ANNUAL TRADITION OF CELEBRATING THEIR SON’S BIRTHDAY SINCE HE PASSED AND THE BOY’S GODMOTHER TIPPED TWO MEMBERS OF STAFF AT THE RESORT TO SECRETLY ADORN THE COUPLE’S BEDROOM WITH “BALLOONS AND A CAKE”. HOTEL STAFF THEN THIS SIMPLE INSTRUCTION AS CARTE BLANCHE TO CREATE ONE OF THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE GESTURES I THINK I’VE EVER SEEN.

JUST KNOWING MULTIPLE MEMBERS OF STAFF WERE INVOLVED MAKES THIS EVEN MORE BEWILDERING. THEY WERE SEEMINGLY SO CAUGHT UP IN TRYING TO PROVIDE THEIR GUESTS WITH AN EXTRA SPECIAL “TOUCH” NO CUNT SEEMED TO QUESTION IF THEY SHOULD. THERE’S MANY POINTS WHERE COMMON-SENSE SHOULD HAVE PREVAILED; RUMMAGING THROUGH THE COUPLES LUGGAGE IN ORDER TO CONSTRUCT THE EFFIGY OF THEIR DEAD SON WOULD USUALLY BE THE FIRST ONE, BUT NO. THE PETALS SPREAD OUT ON THE BED SPELLING “WE MISS YOU” DIDN’T REGISTER EITHER. FAIR PLAY TO THE PERSON CRAFTING A FACE WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN IT AT NO WONDERING IF IT WAS IN BAD TASTE AND I’M LOST FOR WORDS AT THE DAFT CUNT WHO PUT CAN OF LAGER IN THE DUMMY’S HAND.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE