How do you rate success? Often, it's said that academic grades or wealth or job prosperity are not the important things, and I agree. Success should be rated according to your happiness and the satisfaction you get out of your life: you can't stick a value on it. Success is equal only to your personal gratification. Usually.Unfortunately, there are some areas where it does not – nay, it cannot – apply. One such place is at the annual Eurovision Song Contest. The "Live, Laugh Love" pillow on your mum's sofa is ripped to shreds at the jaws of the continental deathmatch that is the Eurovision. The only thing that counts there is cold, hard figures. You might be happy with your performance, but if you don't get the votes, you're bottom of that leaderboard baby, mortified in front of millions, forever condemned to hear the phrase "nul points" ringing in your ears every night as you go to sleep.Anyway, because Eurovision success is all about numbers, in order to correctly predict the UK's chances at this year's contest (due to take place on 12 May in Lisbon, Portugal) I will assess this year's song, SuRie's "Storm," selected just last night, based on five objective criteria. Science, by Noisey.The methodology
The song will be given marks out of ten in each of the five categories. The sum total of these marks will be multiplied by two in order to give a percentage figure, which will represent an objective calculation of the UK's actual chances of winning Eurovision. I got an A in GCSE Maths, I've got this.1) The Performer
OK not looking brilliant really are we? Firstly: SuRie is not a name and people across the breadth of Europe know this. The people of Europe are not stupid, SuRie – they know that your name is a made up name that you gave yourself because you didn't want to be called your actual name, which is Susanna. There's no choreography other than some impassioned arm raises, and she doesn't move from behind the microphone for the whole song, not even for a last-minute mic grab, smh. Score: 4/102) The Song
If you know anything about Eurovision you know that the all time greatest Eurovision winning song is "Euphoria" by Loreen, which won as Sweden's entry in 2012:"Euphoria" is the Eurovision masterpiece to end all masterpieces. It has everything. Drama, a wind machine, a heart-attack of a chorus, a Britney face mic. "Euphoria" is the standard against which all Eurovision songs should be considered. "Storm" is not exactly a failure by these standards – it has a similar crash into the chorus, for example, and the lyrics are as equally about nothing in particular as those for "Euphoria." But mid-tempo was a bad choice; Eurovision is high-energy, and this jolly canter simply won't do.Sub-criteria: Does it bang tho?
No. Score: 6/10 and that's being generous tbh.3) The Aesthetic
Annie Lennox at a wedding. You would never catch Loreen and her wafting skirts in a palazzo jumpsuit. NEXT!Score: 3/104) Eurovision Magic Weirdness Bonus Criteria
It's important to remember that Eurovision has a long history of batshittery, and even in recent years some of the most iconic Eurovision songs have also been the most, um, let's say left field. There was Finland's Lordi, who dressed up like massive, stacked, metal-playing corpses, and their winning song "Hard Rock Hallelujah" back in 2006; the year after, there was Verka Serduchka, whose performance of "Dancing Lasha Tumbai" was marked forever on Eurovision's heart due to an abundance of outfits that looked quite a lot like they were made of tinfoil.Basically what I'm saying is, Eurovision values oddballs. Unfortunately SuRie and her (sorry) boring song are about as off the wall as wallpaper. Do you get it? Because wallpaper is on the wall.Score: 0/10 5) Britain's Current Political Standing in Europe
Literally couldn't be fucking worse could it? We could be represented by Kylie frigging Minogue draped in an EU flag and we'd still come bottom because everyone hates us. Score: -100/10Final Score: -113/50 -113/50 gives us a score of -226/100 (this is actually really bad maths by me, but somehow does also feel quite accurate), which means that the UK's chance of winning the 2018 Eurovision Song Contest with SuRie's "Storm" is -226%.Not even SuRie can save us now. We're fucked, basically.Follow Lauren on Twitter.
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The song will be given marks out of ten in each of the five categories. The sum total of these marks will be multiplied by two in order to give a percentage figure, which will represent an objective calculation of the UK's actual chances of winning Eurovision. I got an A in GCSE Maths, I've got this.1) The Performer
OK not looking brilliant really are we? Firstly: SuRie is not a name and people across the breadth of Europe know this. The people of Europe are not stupid, SuRie – they know that your name is a made up name that you gave yourself because you didn't want to be called your actual name, which is Susanna. There's no choreography other than some impassioned arm raises, and she doesn't move from behind the microphone for the whole song, not even for a last-minute mic grab, smh. Score: 4/102) The Song
If you know anything about Eurovision you know that the all time greatest Eurovision winning song is "Euphoria" by Loreen, which won as Sweden's entry in 2012:"Euphoria" is the Eurovision masterpiece to end all masterpieces. It has everything. Drama, a wind machine, a heart-attack of a chorus, a Britney face mic. "Euphoria" is the standard against which all Eurovision songs should be considered. "Storm" is not exactly a failure by these standards – it has a similar crash into the chorus, for example, and the lyrics are as equally about nothing in particular as those for "Euphoria." But mid-tempo was a bad choice; Eurovision is high-energy, and this jolly canter simply won't do.
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No. Score: 6/10 and that's being generous tbh.3) The Aesthetic
Annie Lennox at a wedding. You would never catch Loreen and her wafting skirts in a palazzo jumpsuit. NEXT!Score: 3/104) Eurovision Magic Weirdness Bonus Criteria
It's important to remember that Eurovision has a long history of batshittery, and even in recent years some of the most iconic Eurovision songs have also been the most, um, let's say left field. There was Finland's Lordi, who dressed up like massive, stacked, metal-playing corpses, and their winning song "Hard Rock Hallelujah" back in 2006; the year after, there was Verka Serduchka, whose performance of "Dancing Lasha Tumbai" was marked forever on Eurovision's heart due to an abundance of outfits that looked quite a lot like they were made of tinfoil.Basically what I'm saying is, Eurovision values oddballs. Unfortunately SuRie and her (sorry) boring song are about as off the wall as wallpaper. Do you get it? Because wallpaper is on the wall.Score: 0/10 5) Britain's Current Political Standing in Europe
Literally couldn't be fucking worse could it? We could be represented by Kylie frigging Minogue draped in an EU flag and we'd still come bottom because everyone hates us. Score: -100/10Final Score: -113/50 -113/50 gives us a score of -226/100 (this is actually really bad maths by me, but somehow does also feel quite accurate), which means that the UK's chance of winning the 2018 Eurovision Song Contest with SuRie's "Storm" is -226%.Not even SuRie can save us now. We're fucked, basically.Follow Lauren on Twitter.