What's Gone On This Week: Welsh Independence Edition

With Brexit fuelling discontent in Wales, Wheatus – confirmed Sons of Glyndwr – offer their support for independence while Nigel Farage fails to win over Merthyr.

by NEO
|
17 May 2019, 2:18pm

Screenshot via Twitter

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

COMRADE WHEATUS

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE MARCHED THROUGH THE STREETS OF CARDIFF CALLING FOR WELSH INDEPENDENCE ON SATURDAY. THE ORGANISERS, ALL UNDER ONE BANNER CYMRU, SAY IT'S THE FIRST MARCH FOR INDEPENDENCE IN WELSH HISTORY, WHILE PLAID CYMRU LEADER ADAM PRICE DELIVERED A SPEECH CLAIMING WELSH PROBLEMS COULD BE MORE EASILY SOLVED IF DECISIONS WERE TAKEN BY WALES ITSELF. “FOR MANY YEARS, OUR DESIRE TO SEE AN INDEPENDENT WALES HAS SEEMED DISTANT. BUT THE TIDE IS TURNING, THE MARCHES ARE GROWING, AND THE VOICES ARE LOUDER,” HE SAID.

THEN, AS IF WE’RE ALL LIVING A FEVER DREAM, WHEATUS OF "TEENAGE DIRTBAG" FAME WADED INTO THE CONVERSATION.

LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN BEFORE HIM, FRONTMAN BRENDAN B BROWN IS NO STRANGER TO UK AFFAIRS, HAVING PREVIOUSLY APPEARED ON BBC POLITICS LIVE TO DISCUSS BREXIT. ON THE WEEKEND, HE QUOTE TWEETED PRICE'S STATEMENT AHEAD OF THE MARCH WHICH SAID: “WALES’ BRIGHTEST POSSIBLE FUTURE IS AS AN INDEPENDENT NATION AT THE HEART OF EUROPE.”

“INTERESTING TIMES," WHEATUS EMBELLISHED, "IF BREXIT ACTUALLY HAPPENS I THINK THIS IS THE ONLY INTELLIGENT MOVE”.

ALLY WHEATUS. COMRADE WHEATUS. SONS OF GLYNDWR WHEATUS.

THIS IS JUST ONE OF THE MOMENTS WHERE YOU REALISE HOW FUCKING CLASS THE INTERNET IS. I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT WE USED TO DO FOR PATTER BEFORE BUT IT WAS PROBABLY PLAYING FUCKING CONKERS OR HUFFING RONSEAL.

TEN YEARS AGO, THE THOUGHT OF A WELL-ATTENDED MARCH FOR INDEPENDENCE WOULD HAVE BEEN A PIPE DREAM, NOW WE HAVE WHEATUS STANIN’ WELSH INDEPENDENCE? ARE FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE GOING TO MOLOTOV SOME HOLIDAY HOMES IN CAERNARFON AS WELL? IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE, THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

SOME PEOPLE WHO ATTENDED THE HISTORIC MARCH SAID THEY WERE LIFELONG SUPPORTERS OF SELF-GOVERNANCE, BUT OTHERS SAID THEY WERE CONVERTED BY AUSTERITY AND THE UK GOVERNMENT’S SHAMBOLIC HANDLING OF BREXIT.

WESTMINSTER RULE HAS RESULTED IN CHRONIC LACK OF INVESTMENT THAT HAS LEFT WALES TO BECOME ONE OF THE UNDERDEVELOPED REGIONS OF WESTERN EUROPE, THE POOREST PART OF THE UK AND THE ONLY NATION THAT SAW CHILD POVERTY RISE LAST YEAR.

WALES IS FAMOUSLY A COUNTRY WITH STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, FOREVER VOTING AGAINST ITS OWN INTERESTS, SO IT IS A TRUE TESTAMENT TO HOW SHIT THIS UK GOVERNMENT IS THAT A NATION THAT’S FORCE-FED ANGLO-CENTRIC NEWS HAS BEGUN TO HAVE THIS DEBATE ON SELF-GOVERNANCE.

FARAGE AND HIS BREXIT PARTY INVADE THE VALLEYS

PRIVATELY EDUCATED MILLIONAIRE, FORMER CITY TRADER AND CAREER POLITICIAN NIGEL FARAGE HAS VOWED TO “SMASH THE ESTABLISHMENT” AS HIS BREXIT PARTY ROADSHOW ARRIVED IN MERTHYR TYDFIL THIS WEEK.

FARAGE’S VISIT COINCIDED WITH THE NEWS THAT FOUR FORMER UKIP WELSH ASSEMBLY MEMBERS HAVE JOINED HIS NEW BREXIT PARTY WITH “WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT”.

FARAGE WALKED ALONG THE HIGH STREET ON HIS DAY TRIP TO MERTHYR AND WAS, AS USUAL, FLOCKED BY THE MEDIA. WHEN PRESSED BY BBC WALES CORRESPONDENT ARWYN JONES WHAT BREXIT WOULD OFFER THE PEOPLE OF THE WELSH TOWN, FARAGE SAID IT WILL “OFFER OPPORTUNITIES” AND WHEN ASKED TO CLARIFY HE STATED “FOR EXAMPLE, THE STEEL INDUSTRY” BEFORE THE REPORTER POINTED OUT THAT’S BASED “IN PORT TALBOT, 40 MILES FROM MERTHYR”, TO WHICH FARAGE RETORTED: “THAT IS WALES, ISN’T IT?”

THE RALLY WAS HELD IN THE CAR PARK OF TRAGO MILLS, A LARGE EMPORIUM OF JUNK THAT RESEMBLES A CITADEL-CUM-POUNDSHOP, WHOSE CHAIRMAN BRUCE ROBERTSON ONCE CALLED THE WELSH LANGUAGE “VISUAL CLUTTER” BEFORE ADDING THAT HE REFUSED TO "PANDER TO MINORITIES" – BY WHICH HE APPEARED TO BE REFERRING TO THE WELSH, IN WALES. THERE SEEMS TO BE A PATTERN OF CONTEMPT HERE TO BE HONEST.

PROTESTORS BLOCKED THE ROADS APPROACHING THE RALLY AND FARAGE TWEETED HIS DISGUST SAYING IT WAS A “TOTAL DISGRACE” AND “WE WOULD NEVER BEHAVE LIKE THAT”. WHICH IS AN EXTREMELY RICH TAKE FROM A MAN WHO SAID HE WOULD “DON KHAKI, PICK UP A RIFLE AND HEAD FOR THE FRONT LINES” IF THE UK GOVERNMENT DIDN’T DELIVER THE BREXIT HE PERSONALLY ENVISIONED.

THE EVENT WAS POORLY ATTENDED DESPITE MERTHYR HAVING OVERWHELMINGLY VOTED TO LEAVE THE EU.

MERTHYR HASN’T VOTED ANYTHING OTHER THAN LABOUR SINCE IT ELECTED THE FIRST EVER LABOUR MP KEIR HARDIE IN 1900. YOU COULD PROBABLY STICK ON A RED ROSETTE ON A BAG OF QUAVERS AND IT WOULD WIN. LIKE MANY COMMUNITIES ACROSS THE SOUTH WALES VALLEYS, MERTHYR IS A FRUSTRATED TOWN – DISILLUSIONED WITH POLITICS AFTER VOTING FOR "THE GOOD GUYS" FOR OVER A CENTURY AND SEEING NOTHING EVER CHANGE.

IN MY EXPERIENCE GROWING UP THERE, LABOUR POLITICIANS WERE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE NEW LANDSCAPED SPACES, THE NEW COLLEGE, SOCIAL ENTERPRISES AND INSTITUTIONS THAT EU FUNDING PROVIDED WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAKING IT PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT WESTMINSTER WAS LEAVING THE TOWN TO ROT.

LOCAL FRUSTRATION COMBINED WITH WALES’ SHOCKING LACK OF IT’S OWN NATIONAL MEDIA MEANT THAT MANY UNDERSTANDABLY SAW BREXIT AS A PROTEST VOTE. WHEN THE ALTERNATIVE IS GIVING TWO FINGERS AND ROLLING THE DICE COMPARED TO EVERYTHING STAYING SHIT SAME, WHAT DOES ANYONE SERIOUSLY EXPECT?

PEOPLE ARE RIGHTLY ANGRY TO FEEL BETRAYED BY THE POLITICAL SYSTEM AND THIS IS THE ONLY CLEAR ALTERNATIVE MOST ARE PRESENTED WITH. SADLY, THIS FINDING NEMO LOOKING CUNT IS ABOUT AS ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT AS A TROUSER PRESS.

JOBS FOR THE BOYS... AND WIVES AND DAUGHTERS AND NIECES AND FRIENDS

IN LESS SURPRISING NEWS, NEPOTISM IS ALIVE AND WELL IN WELSH POLITICS AS IT WAS REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT AN ASTONISHING 17 ASSEMBLY MEMBERS AND 7 MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT CURRENTLY EMPLOY THEIR RELATIVES AT THE PUBLIC'S EXPENSE. AMS AND MPS WHO ALL THEIR LITERAL SPOUSE ON THE PEOPLE’S GRAVY TRAIN INCLUDE:

BREXIT PARTY OR UKIP OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY GOING AS: MARK RECKLESS, DAVID ROWLANDS, CAROLINE JONES, AND THE SOMEHOW STILL VERTICAL AND REVENANT NEIL HAMILTON.

LABOUR: DAWN BOWDEN, REBECCA EVANS, JOHN GRIFFITHS AND MP GERALD JONES – WHOSE “SENIOR PARLIAMENTARY ASSISTANT” PARTNER IS PAID UP TO £39,999 ANNUALLY.

CONSERVATIVES: JANET FINCH-SAUNDERS, ANDREW RT DAVIES, DARREN MILLAR AND MOHAMMAD ASGHAR (WHO LITERALLY DEFECTED FROM PLAID CYMRU TO THE CONSERVATIVES IN 2009 BECAUSE HE COULDN’T EMPLOY HIS DAUGHTER), AND MPS DAVID DAVIES, GUTO BEBB, SIMON HART AND GLYN DAVIES – WHO ALL PAY THEIR WIVES FROM SALARIES RANGING FROM £10,000 TO £29,999.

THESE EMBARRASSMENTS TO THEIR CONSTITUENTS WOULD HAVE KING TUT SAYING “FAIR PLAY”.

THIS WASN’T JUST CONFINED TO THE OL’ BALL AND CHAIN THOUGH, THE GIANT CIRCLE JERK OF WELSH POLITICS SHOWED THAT WELSH FIRST MINISTER MARK DRAKEFORD CURRENTLY EMPLOYS THE WIFE OF FELLOW AM HANNAH BLYTHYN, CONSERVATIVE PAUL DAVIES EMPLOYED THE PARTNER OF FELLOW ASSEMBLY MEMBER NICK RAMSAY AND THE SON OF FELLOW AM SUZY DAVIES, LABOUR AM JULIE JAMES EMPLOYS HER SON, DAVID REES AND JOYCE WATSON AM EMPLOY THEIR DAUGHTERS, AND JACK SARGEANT EMPLOYS HIS UNCLE.

HONESTLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THE HILLS HAVE EYES BULLSHIT? I MIGHT EVEN PLACE A FUCKING BET ON TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON 4 BEING SET IN THE SENEDD. I CAN JUST IMAGINE TUNING INTO THE NEXT FIRST MINISTER QUESTIONS AND I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED TO SEE THE CUNTS DUELLING BANJOS IN THE DEBATING CHAMBER.

A LABOUR GROUP SPOKESMAN WENT ON TO CLARIFY THAT IT’S THE NATIONAL ASSEMBLY THAT MAKES THE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE EMPLOYMENT OF SUPPORT STAFF, WHICH IS “ROBUST, TRANSPARENT AND RUN INDEPENDENTLY BY STAFF EMPLOYED BY THE ASSEMBLY COMMISSION” AND THAT THE EMPLOYING AM HAVE “NO INVOLVEMENT IN SHORTLISTING OR INTERVIEWING, WITH INDEPENDENT COMMISSION STAFF RECOMMENDING THE MOST QUALIFIED CANDIDATE IDENTIFIED BY THE PROCESS."

WHICH EITHER MEANS THEY ARE ALL LYING CUNTS OR THAT EVERYONE’S CLOSE RELATIVES HAPPEN TO BE FUCKING CLASS AT ADMIN AND THE BEST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE POSITIONS BY COSMIC CHANCE.

I DON’T THINK I NEED TO TOSS A COIN ON THIS ONE.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO