Francisco Garcia's Westminster Whispers

Westminster is a mmmmmurky place. Crammed with secrets, witness to centuries of shady deals and unsavoury compromise. Ideals are crushed. Lofty purpose is consumed by cruel necessity. Our fine journalists have been corrupted into a simpering hackocracy. Truth and honour are all too rare. Yet occasionally there emerges from the squalor someone ready to pour the thick bleach of truth down the damp crevices and blocked pipes where the powerful squat. And the results can be as explosive as you might predict.

Theresa May Is Not the Prime Minister

Flaky… check. Inconsistent content… double check. Crumbles at the merest whiff of contact on thine lips… Oh mummy… must I check again?! Oh Theresa, you scrumptious little fool. Safe don, we know… you didn't have the right ingredients for PPE, so allow me to fill you in on a few freshman recipes aha. Politics is basically a pie… and how the chuff do you expect the Great British public to chow down on that lifeless crust. It's time to turnover g… and sure, I've not been her biggest flan, but the people are ravenous for something more filling… Turns out Corbyn is the real Pieminister… and the ting is filled to bursting with hope and good vibes! No, please comrade, not another morsel…. I'm stuffed :)

Boris Johnson struggles in disastrous radio interview

Cooooeeeee… earth to Bojo! Aww nasty Scottish man is making baby talk about discrimination in the criminal justice system is he?! Aww, baby just wanna say "wibble wobbly" and play with his hair. The test results are in Mr Johnson… and I'm afraid it's a bad dose of mugwumpury ahahaha… class.

Unlucky Bobo, door's that way… don't let it hit your swollen little b*tty on the way out.

Dennis Skinner, the "Beast of Bolsover", heckles Black Rod in his annual Queen's speech tradition

Quick, respectful and, I hope, final, thought regarding the ongoing Dennis Skinner saga… If the wizened old ba*tard wants to choke himself to death laughing at THE QUEEN then he should do it on his own time… NOT that of the monarchy. Yodalayheeeeyyy… Time to turn up your ear trumpet grandad… and listen to thousands of years of tradition. I think I speak for myself and your entire constituency when I say it's time to put your feet up and have a nice long doze… as you've made a royal t*t of yourself. Again. Simply epic berkage.

Vince Cable launches Lib Dem leadership bid

The Liberal Donnycrats are like that guy at uni who's always trying to organise epic Quidditch practice seshes, but everyone's already inside drinking all the gin and binging all the way to the Deathly Hallows aha… you can't sit with us!! Nah but true talk for a momento though… these brehs are moving seeeeeeniiissssssble. It's kinda cool how they've let Vince Cable out of Azkaban on some day release ting… but I can't lie… that guy is on some Dumbledore tip ya na. If ever there was a g that could do with a few lugs from the philosopher's stone.

Look, I don't want to Quirell… but forcing young wand-weavers to spunk 9k a term on some muggle education… and you wonder why the unimandem still call you The Golden Sn*tch.

European Council President Channels John Lennon and "imagines" there's no Brexit

I've drank saloon plonk with Portillo. I've broken bread with the Blairites and honked on a few loud ones with Brown's boys. I've chilled with Tebbit and stuffed myself silly with the Chipping Norton set. Nothing Major, just part of the job. I've been around the block and the blocks been around me. It's called public service ca*ndyass… maybe try it sometime? Didn't think so… aha.

But sometimes even I'm still like "dude… really?" And when I see the likes of unelected Euro-prat Donald Tusk (cool story dude) wading into the rivers of British public life talking all things Brexit… well, I've got a few choice bon m*ts of my own to let fly. You say you're a dreamer? Well I've got a kooky little proposition for you… how about you shut your cakehole, get back in your cot and let the big boys talk in private… sounds like a fair trade to me. X