How to Sext Like a Pro

If Adam Levine taught us anything in 2022, it’s that very few people know how to express themselves when it comes to sex. To that end, this week’s column from the baroness of horniness herself, Megan Barton-Hanson, is all about the art of sexting. In a modern dating landscape of screenshotted Hinge profiles and “I would like to see the booty” DMs, it’s understandable that being horny online can sometimes feel like a minefield. That said, we are all horny, and we are definitely all online, so why don’t we find some fun and healthy ways to go about it?

As an avid dater and master of OnlyFans, dirty talk is a big part of Megan’s everyday life, so this is basically the hot version of getting money saving advice from Martin Lewis. From getting the engine started to setting the scene, you can find some of her most important do’s and don’ts below. 

Or, if you have no interest whatsoever in asking someone to bury their face in your arse and would rather just get on with it, why not check out Megan’s previous column on how to spice things up IRL?

Don’t rush in. Even if you're super horny and you’ve been thinking about it all day, play it cool. A good opener I find is a reference back to sex you’ve had with that person in the past, or start the convo with something like “tell me the best sex you’ve had”, or “I’m so horny I can’t stop thinking about the sex the other day…” If you haven’t had sex with them yet, maybe send a little thirst trap and a message like “I’ve been thinking about you..” Let them take the lead and see if they’re down to play before you go balls deep. 

One thing we can all learn from Adam Levine’s sexts is that you should avoid using words you don’t use day to day. If you wouldn't say “that body of yours is absurd”, maybe don’t put that in a message!

There’s a time and place for the dick pic, or even a tasteful wanking video – but it’s a jumpscare as an opener. You need to turn me on a bit first before you hit me with the shit dick pic angle, or wait until you’re asked. Girls do want to see it sometimes! The context just has to be right.

I’ve said this before, but when you are taking a dick pic please zoom out a little bit. I like to see the whole body when someone’s just got out of the shower or something. That’s much hotter than just the dick with a shithole bedroom floor in the background. This goes for videos too. Sometimes a guy will send you a video of them wanking and they just cum on their stomach, and all I can think is what are you doing next? Are you running to the toilet, half doubled over? It ruins the vibe.

If you are blessed enough to receive a nude, don’t just respond with some emojis. We want a little paragraph at least, please! I want to know what bits are doing it for you, what bits you want me to take off first, what you want to do… I’m an avid emoji user but a love heart eye emoji on its own won’t cut it. Poor, from you.

The best sexts I’ve ever had have been descriptive. How would you undress someone? Where do you want to bend them over? Set the scene with as much detail as possible, it’s actually really fun. You can create fantasies you’ve always wanted to live out but haven’t had the chance to do yet. This is also a good option if you’re not comfortable with sending pictures, or when you’re horny but you’re also just on the sofa really stoned in a food-stained hoodie. Don’t let that stop you describing what your underwear you're wearing, how you’re feeling, where you’re touching or where you want to be touched.

Maybe you’re a bit shy or awkward about dirty talking. It can be difficult to think of something to say in the moment and that pressure of thinking “oh fuck, what am I going to write next?” can really take you out of the experience. But you don’t have to force things. Sometimes, if I’m stumped, I’ll send a little voice note of me touching myself and moaning a bit, and that usually does the trick! A little video never goes amiss either. 

 A lot of guys request JOI [jerk-off instructions] on OnlyFans and it’s super hot. Even as a woman I’ve watched porn with JOI. If your partner has a submissive side they’ll eat this up! It’s such a turn in to know you're leading someone to orgasm. And if you’re not confident to take the lead let your partner do it – you can send voice clips back of how much you're enjoying their storytelling.

Another thing I like to do is send porn links of scenarios I’d like to recreate so we can talk about it together – this bit is really hot, do you want to try this. That’s always good if you're out of practice or you’re not feeling very articulate. It gives you a bit more to talk about than “I want to take your dick out and suck it”.

Sexting is a great way to be brutal with how you want sex to go. If your partner isn’t satisfying you, this is a great opportunity to really spell out how they can turn you on and improve their technique in the bedroom.

At the same time, you don’t want to be a keyboard warrior and act like you’re into wild hardcore sex when in person you're going to bottle it. This is particularly dangerous for girls! We’re always like, oh my god, yeah I want to have a threesome, tie me up, spit on me, I haven’t done anal for ages… If you’re not into all that and you were just stupidly horny in the moment, make sure you tell your partner that before the next time you have sex!

I’ve woken up to some abrupt messages from people telling me they’re now in happy relationships, or cringed myself out by sending some pretty savage texts like “I’m so horny do you have any fit videos for me”. Since when have I become a middle-aged seedy straight guy?! Oops…