PUB NOTES

What’s Gone On This Week: Brits Realise Churchill May Have Been... Bad

Let us consider "the Greatest Briton who ever lived" – a man who cited eugenics, admired Hitler's patriotism and inspired some of Ricky Gervais' worst material to date.
by NEO
01 February 2019, 2:48pm
Good Morning Britain Ross Greer screenshot
(Photo via screenshot)

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

CHURCHILL MIGHT HAVE DONE SOME AWFUL THINGS SHOCK KLAXON

THIS WEEK, GREEN PARTY MSP ROSS GREER DID THE EQUIVALENT OF STICKING YOUR COCK IN A HORNET’S NEST WHEN HE QUESTIONED THE DEMIGOD STATUS OF SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL, LABELLING HIM A "WHITE SUPREMACIST MASS MURDERER”. WHICH IS ALMOST COMPARABLE TO CALLING KIM JONG-UN A “DAFT CUNT” IN NORTH KOREA, BUT IN THE UK WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE WE ARE ABOVE A CULT OF PERSONALITY.

PIERS MORGAN ANNOUNCED THAT GREER – OR THAT "THICK GINGER TURD" AS HE WAS REBRANDED – WOULD APPEAR ON GOOD MORNING BRITAIN SO VIEWERS COULD TUNE IN FOR ANOTHER INSIGHTFUL, IMPARTIAL DEBATE WHEREIN THE SUGGESTION THAT CHURCHILL WAS LARGELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE 1943 FAMINE IN BENGAL WHICH SAW AN ESTIMATED 3 MILLION PEOPLE STARVE TO DEATH, WAS DESCRIBED AS A “DOWNRIGHT LIE”.

MORGAN'S CO-HOST SUZANNE REID, WHO USUALLY SERVES AS THE GOOD COP TO PIERS’ HEEL-ACT, THEN NON-IRONICALLY ACCUSED GREER OF ARTICULATING “A COMPLETELY ISOLATED, UNIQUE VERSION OF HISTORY".

GREER WAS DEFIANT OVER THE ROW AND SAID: “THIS IS THE REAL, VERIFIED HISTORY OF CHURCHILL AND THE ONE KNOWN THROUGHOUT MUCH OF THE WORLD” ADDING THAT IF THAT’S UNCOMFORTABLE TO SOME “IT’S JUST A SIGN OF HOW UNEDUCATED BRITAIN IS OF OUR OWN SHAMEFUL HISTORY".

FOLLOWING THE SHOW DAVID BADDIEL TOOK TO TWITTER TO ARGUE THAT YOU CAN’T LABEL CHURCHILL A “WHITE SUPREMACIST” OR “MASS MURDERER” BECAUSE HITLER WAS ONE TOO. IN A GALAXY BRAIN TAKE THAT’S A BIGGER STRETCH THAN ROUTE 66, HE THEN GOES ON TO SAY THAT DOING SO MAY BE ANTI-SEMITIC.

IN MY OPINION ANY ASSESSMENT OF AN INDIVIDUAL'S MORALITY AND DEEDS THAT STARTS WITH COMPARING THEM TO HITLER FOR BALANCE IS TOTALLY ABSURD. NAZIS BECOMING THE LITMUS TEST FOR GOOD AND BAD IS UNDOUBTEDLY A TOOL THE BRITISH HAVE USED TO ABSOLVE OUR IMPERIAL “HEROES” OF THEIR SINS. CHURCHILL EVEN ADMIRED HITLER UNTIL HE VIEWED HIM AS A SERIOUS THREAT TO THE BRITISH EMPIRE. HE WROTE THIS ABOUT HIM IN THE EVENING STANDARD IN 1937: “ONE MAY DISLIKE HITLER’S SYSTEM AND YET ADMIRE HIS PATRIOTIC ACHIEVEMENT. IF OUR COUNTRY WERE DEFEATED, I HOPE WE SHOULD FIND A CHAMPION AS INDOMITABLE TO RESTORE OUR COURAGE AND LEAD US BACK TO OUR PLACE AMONG THE NATIONS."

NO CUNT IN HISTORY HAS HAD A BIGGER GLOW UP THAN WINSTON CHURCHILL.

TORIES MPS JUMP TO CHURCHILL’S DEFENCE

WHAT PEOPLE TEND TO FORGET ABOUT CHURCHILL IS THAT HE WAS A MASSIVE ARISTOCRATIC TORY CUNT OF SUCH UNBELIEVABLE PRIVILEGE THAT HE MAKES BORIS JOHNSON LOOK LIKE WORZEL GUMMIDGE. IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING WHENEVER SOMEONE LIKE JEREMY HUNT IS LEADING YOUR DEFENSIVE CHARGE, CALLING YOU "THE GREATEST BRITON WHO EVER LIVED" IT COMES AS NOTHING BUT TOTAL CONFIRMATION OF HOW RANCID YOU MUST BE.

FELLOW CONSERVATIVE MP BOB SEELY WAS ALSO ON HAND ON TO DISMISS ALL CRITICISMS OF CHURCHILL, CITING HIM AS AN APOSTLE OF FREEDOM AND THE LOWER CLASSES BY STONE-FACED CLAIMING HE CAMPAIGNED FOR BETTER RIGHTS FOR COAL MINERS AND WORKERS.

“CAMPAIGNING” SEEMS A STRANGE WORD TO DESCRIBE SENDING IN THE TROOPS TO ATTACK THE PROTESTING MINERS IN TONYPANDY IN 1910.

OR THE FOLLOWING YEAR AGAINST WORKERS IN LIVERPOOL, KILLING SOME OF THEM.

OR THE COUNTLESS IRREFUTABLE EXAMPLES OF HIM DESPISING THE WORKING PERSON.

GREER REITERATED HIS VIEWS ONCE AGAIN ON POLITICS LIVE, AND CONSERVATIVE DEPUTY CHAIRMAN JAMES CLEVERLY LIKENED HIM TO A HISTORY STUDENT WHO THOUGHT IT WAS CLEVER TO "TRASH" THE REPUTATION OF A BIG FIGURE LIKE CHURCHILL. EVERYONE ONE ON THE PANEL AGREED THAT YOU COULDN’T JUDGE CHURCHILL BY HIS “APPALLING” ASPECTS BECAUSE HE WAS “COMPLEX” AND “MULTI-FACETED”. LIKE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT DON DRAPER OR SOMETHING.

NOTHING IS MORE INEPT THAN TALK OF THIS CUNT BEING A “MAN OF HIS TIME” LIKE HE WAS FUCKING AROUND ON A HORSE WITH GENGHIS KHAN. HE WAS TALKING ABOUT EUGENICS TWO YEARS BEFORE WW2 FOR FUCK SAKE.

"I DO NOT ADMIT FOR INSTANCE, THAT A GREAT WRONG HAS BEEN DONE TO THE RED INDIANS OF AMERICA OR THE BLACK PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA. I DO NOT ADMIT THAT A WRONG HAS BEEN DONE TO THESE PEOPLE BY THE FACT THAT A STRONGER RACE, A HIGHER-GRADE RACE, A MORE WORLDLY WISE RACE TO PUT IT THAT WAY, HAS COME IN AND TAKEN THEIR PLACE" – THE GREATEST BRITON WHO EVER LIVED, 1937.

RICKY GERVAIS IS ONE FREUDIAN SLIP AWAY FROM BECOMING JIM DAVIDSON

REGRETTABLY, RICKY GERVAIS TOOK THIS WEEK’S NEWS AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO ADD TO HIS GROWING COLLECTION OF EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING PHOTOSHOOTS BY DRESSING UP AS WINSTON CHURCHILL FOR A “JOKE." SENSING IT DID NOT LAND, HE FOLLOWED-UP BY TWEETING: "I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY COMEDIANS MOAN ABOUT ‘OUTRAGE CULTURE’. THERE’S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO WIND PEOPLE UP”. WHICH IS BRILLIANT FOR A MAN WITH SKIN SO FUCKING THIN I’M SURPRISED DOESN’T TAKE OFF LIKE A CHINESE LANTERN WHEN HE FARTS.

HE WENT ON TO SAY: “DON'T TRY TO STOP PEOPLE SLAGGING OFF WINSTON CHURCHILL. THANKS TO HIM, IT'S THEIR RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING THEY WANT” – LOGIC THAT FITS PERFECTLY INTO THE BRITISH NARRATIVE OF THINKING WORLD WAR 2 WAS HITLER AND CHURCHILL HAVING A STRAIGHTENER IN THE OCTAGON OVER “WHO SPEAKS THE FREEST”, WITH STALIN ACTING AS DANA WHITE. GERVAIS’ TIRED ACT OF PRETENDING EVERYTHING HE DOES IS A “WIND UP” WHICH HE DOES “FOR THE MONEY” IS LIKE THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP GROUP POSTING THE FISHING ROD EMOJI IN THE GROUP CHAT AFTER THEY'VE GOT SOMETHING COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WRONG.

WITH MY BRITISH-CENTRIC EDUCATION I FOUND IT CONFUSING AS A KID WHEN MY “DESERT RAT” GRANDDAD TOLD ME THAT HE AND HIS FELLOW SOLDIERS “DESPISED CHURCHILL”. OUR HISTORY MAY TELL US DIFFERENTLY NOW, BUT THE WORKING CLASSES AT THE TIME HATED CHURCHILL THE SAME WAY MANY PEOPLE HATE THATCHER TODAY.

PEOPLE FORGET CHURCHILL SUFFERED ONE OF THE GREATEST ELECTION DEFEATS OF ALL TIME IN 1945 AFTER HE FAMOUSLY ALLUDED THERE WOULD BE A “GESTAPO IN BRITAIN IF SOCIALISTS WON”, REFERRING TO CLEMENT ATTLEE AND HIS FAR-REACHING SOCIAL REFORMS OF A WELFARE STATE AND NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE. WHICH LEADS US TO THIS INCREDIBLY INSIGHTFUL OBSERVATION BY CHURCHILL’S WIFE, CLEMENTINE:

“HE KNOWS NOTHING OF THE LIVES OF ORDINARY PEOPLE. HE’S NEVER BEEN ON A BUS. HE’S ONLY BEEN ON THE UNDERGROUND ONCE…. HE WENT ROUND AND ROUND AGAIN NOT KNOWING WHERE TO GET OUT.”

A FAR CRY FROM THE CLIMACTIC MOMENT IN THE 2017 OSCAR-WINNING FILM DARKEST HOUR, IN WHICH CHURCHILL TAKES THE TUBE TO SEEK THE OPINIONS OF ‘THE PEOPLE’ ABOUT HOW TO PROCEED IN THE WAR. IN THE SCENE HE SURROUNDS HIMSELF WITH COMMONERS AND AFFECTIONATELY SQUEEZES THE HAND OF A BLACK MAN WHO SEAMLESSLY FINISHES HIS QUOTATION OF THOMAS MACAULEY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S MORE FAR FETCHED, THIS DELUDED PORTRAYAL OF IMPERIALIST CHURCHILL, OR COMMUTERS ENGAGING WITH SOME DRUNK OLD CUNT ON THE TUBE.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE