Photo: Jamie Clifton
"Hi, yeah, ummmmmmm: not sure who's doing it still, but I did leave an overly-long handwritten note on the kitchen counter about the recycling! I pinned it down with a new tube of clingfilm because, to me, a box-fresh tube of clingfilm is a treat, similar to what a gift would be to a normal person."So anywayyyyyy: did mention it before at the last house meeting, but the recycling sheet we get from the council does specify we can't throw plastic-coated cartons away! So that's Tropicana, nut milk and soups! Obviously the bin men don't reject the recycling bag if you don't split those out – it's literally never happened in history! – but they might do, so it's best to split it. I hauled the bag back into the kitchen, untied the handles and split it by hand this time, but next time would be really good if you could all just follow the rules beforehand."Other things! Just going round and telling everyone that I've decided we actually need to start buying the TV license, so you all owe me £40. Also! My parents are visiting this weekend and I need the house, including your bedrooms, to all be spotless, plus I need total silence from you all! They’re not staying, but they will be here perched on the edge of the sofa in the front room drinking tea for most of the 48 hours they’re in the city. When you walk in very quietly on Saturday afternoon my mum will say something really quite bitchy about your T-shirt or trousers! I hope you don't mind."My completely silent absolute fucking lump of a boyfriend will, as he has been relentlessly for the past six weeks, be sleeping in my room too. Every time you bring even one sniff of a sexual partner home, though, I'll be sure to knock on your door and hiss through the gap about you being quiet, like I did that time you came home at 11PM on a Saturday night with someone who got so freaked out about being heard that they put their clothes back on and left! I’m! Going! To! Get! Married! To! Lumpy! Next! Year! And! Though! You! Won't! Be! Invited! To! The! Wedding! I! Will! Ex! Pect! A! Gift!"TIME TO CALL A FLAT MEETINGTIME FOR SOME "FLATMATE DRINKS"!