A to Z of Sexual History: Quodoushka – Another bullshit sex cult

Quodoushka orgiastic handbook of sexual enlightenment combining the ancient sex secrets of the Cherokees, Aztecs and the Mayans and it’s premier champion is a gun-toting, shape-shifting, sex-crazed lunatic.

If, like me, you were raised to within the perverted sexual parameters of our modern world odds are you’re terrifyingly severed from spiritual sexual self, and that’s where, for $2,000 Harley ‘Deer Spirit’ Reagan to direct you back to sexual health.

As you’d learn from a Quodoushka sex seminar, if we had all been brought up in the natural matriarchal tribal society of our forefathers, when we were about to hit puberty some middle-aged lady, called the Phoenix Fire Woman would take us into a tepee and show us where to find our nine penises, nine vaginas and how to have an orgasm hugging a tree. Sweet.

Deer Spirit, founder of the Deer Tribe Medicine Society, claims to be half Cherokee, half Irish, a Vietnam War veteran, former secret service, world jiu-jitsu Champion, Olympic judo winner, a new-age healer, shape-shifter and sorcerer. As well as teaching sex education, he teaches self-defence, wilderness survival, firearms training (he is currently building up an army to prepare for civil war), rape prevention and sexual assault counselling. But don’t worry; he’s a doctor with a PhD in psychology from a university that doesn’t exist, there is no record of him serving in Vietnam, and he was meant to be winning the Olympics around the same time as he was supposedly shot down by enemy fire. He is also a member of the Twisted Hair Society, direct descendents of star people from the planet Oiricanwiyah.

So clearly he is the type of man to reintroduce you to your own vagina and as well as the other eight you haven’t met yet. In the 80s, Deer Spirit was becoming famous in shamanistic subcuture until he was part of an HBO series Real Sex in 1992 where he touted his sex school as teaching the Cherokee art of sex. The Cherokee were outraged, denounced him, proved he had no connection to them and threatened to sue over the story of his being initiated into Cherokee sex practices by a Phoenix Fire Women when he was 14. He was forced to backtrack and now says his teachings are based on a convenient hodgepodge of bullshit. So metaphysical clichés, along with some kinky perversions, anti-immigrant sentiments, militia ethics, a cult of guns and a few conspiracy theories, you have all the making of a mass-murdering, kiddie-fiddling cult.

Naturally this man has thousands of disciples who treat him like a Messiah and Quodoushka has entered new age parlance as a bona fide sexual practice. While in interviews he denies that “Q” sessions involve any actual sexual contact, some testimonials from people who have taken part in Q describe long days of anal probing, group masturbation and orgiastic naked revelry. One woman spoke of having her charkas cleansed, which involved a man swivelling his finger in her foo 21 times in each direction.

But if this tree-shagging hippy humping appeals to you, there is a Quodoushka class in Herefordshire, though shits and giggles don’t come into it until the level two workshop by which time you’ve parted with another £525.

CAMERON KING