We Asked a Load of People About the Last Time They Faked an Orgasm
"He thought we came together, but the whole time I was mentally planning what I was gonna put in my curry later."
(Photo by Tina Franklin via)
Casual sex isn't as great as everyone makes out to be. I mean, it's great for me, a man, because I am so painfully oblivious of my own shortcomings that I'd rather spend 20 minutes sweating in silence with a stranger than have the impertinence to ask her what she might actually find enjoyable. But this invariably leads to the ultimate subliminal embarrassment in sex: the faked orgasm.
An oft-cited American study of 20,000 university students found that 78 percent of men, compared to only 42 percent of women, reported having an orgasm in their last casual encounter. That means there is whole load of faking going on, with men strutting confidently out of dorm rooms while young women roll their eyes. Since the numbers in the US are so high, we spoke to both men and women about the last time they faked it.
"I thought it was the lesser of two evils"
I once faked it with a friend to cut it short. We were having random drunken sex for some reason and he said he loved me midway through, so I had to pretend not to hear so I didn't have to address it. Then I pretended I was "done" and fell asleep. Even though we are still friends we've never mentioned it again, mostly I think because I met the boyfriend I'm still with right now two weeks later.
My friend and I were both pretty drunk and I thought it was the lesser of two evils between having to explain to him halfway through that it was just random drunken sex and definitely not a love thing, or pretending not to hear and faking it so we could get it over with. I feel bad about doing it to this day, although I don't think he noticed. If he did, he didn't seem too bothered about it.
— Monica, 22
"I didn't realise how much antidepressants would affect my sex life"
I was on a weekend away with my girlfriend for a One Direction concert and we had been looking forward to it for months. We took some toys and she really wanted to spice things up and help us get close to one another, as I had been suffering depression and pushing her away. I never knew antidepressants would affect my sex life.
We went to 1D and had some drinks, got back to our room and I managed to get hard for a minute whilst putting the condom on and being inside her. It went semi and I fucked her for about five minutes, trying to get it over with. When I noticed she was near climax, I started with the sound effects and heavy breathing. We both got loud and I don't think she even had her eyes open but I said, "Uhh I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum," and groaned a massive groan, then snatched the condom off before she could see it was empty and put it in the bin.
I don't know if it was my antidepressants, the alcohol or just the anxiety but it's made me insecure of myself in bed and nervous to ever hook up with someone in the future. Me and my girlfriend just recently split too, but not over this. Our sex life depreciated very quickly and we lost intimacy.
— Ryan, 19
"I was mentally planning what I was gonna put in my curry later"
I was having sex with someone who I'd started seeing when I was about 20, and he was clearly way more into it than me, saying things like: "Oh my god your amazing" while we were pretty much just fucking in the missionary position. Now I know sex is for giggles, but back then I thought it was more serious and that I had to go with it, so I'm there making all the noises. We moved it onto a bit of doggy, which was great because I could look out the window.
Skip to about ten minutes later it's getting pretty boring, so I flip it back over and decide I'm hungry and want dinner so we gotta end it soon. Cue my audition for a porn movie, pretty much heaps of: "Oh my god, oh my god" and panting, the usual shit, like I'm a good actress. He thought we came together and had put in the performance of his life but the whole time I was mentally planning what I was gonna put in my curry later, like if I needed to go out and get fresh coriander or if we already had it, because what's a curry without fresh coriander?
— Courtney, 26
"I was going to have a heart attack after taking coke for hours"
It was 5PM the day after a packet binge began and my secret plan of continuing to buy packet to impress some girl had worked perfectly – she was in my bed touching my shrivelled-up disappointment. We then proceeded to do doggy style. I got out of breath after about ten seconds and thought I was going to have a heart attack, so I just pretended to orgasm, and then she fell asleep.
I was thinking of saying to this girl: "Look, I'm not gonna buss and also I think my heart and dick are going to explode and I don't know you well enough for you to take me to hospital," but was worried she would get all weird and try to make me orgasm and it would be embarrassing for everyone. Like, I don't insist on eating a girl out really badly for 45 minutes. If I don't make her come by un-sexily thrusting in her for a couple of minutes, I just accept it and move on.
— Tomas, 28
"I was too drunk and my beer goggles came off halfway through"
Faked orgasms used to be a thing that I did a lot back in the day, but these days I prefer not to: I can't be bothered, and also I'm trying to be a decent human being. There was this one night stand a few months ago, though. One of those ones where the guy was pretty keen to make you orgasm but I was too drunk and my beer goggles came off halfway through, so I just thought, 'Fuck it, I wanna go to sleep,' channelled my inner 19-year old and gave him the theatrics because that was obviously what he was waiting for. He bought it, nutted and I haven't seen him since.
— Yasmine, 24
"After more than an hour I just couldn't be bothered any more"
I last faked an orgasm after being at it relentlessly for well over an hour, and I just couldn't be bothered any more. It wasn't even like I wasn't enjoying it, either, but basically I made the noise, shook my leg and then went to sleep. Awful, I know, but man's gotta sleep, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, thinking I hadn't finished and everything. A lot of onus is put on the "climax", when that's just one part of it, I think. I don't know if she noticed. Maybe, but if so, she never let on.
— Diego, 25
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