Here Are All the Ridiculous Reasons People Are Scared of Canada Legalizing Weed

Remember when the year 2000 was nigh and the world collectively backed the shit out of all its Napster files, thinking computer systems would spontaneously combust and humanity would be sent back to the dark ages? Indeed, the fear was so crippling that the US government formed a Y2K task force and some family in Ohio bought a generator and a year's supply of canned chow mein. (Ew.)

Well, if you were to believe a handful of staunch opponents of marijuana legalization, which is imminent according to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Canada's very own doomsday is approaching.

Once people are able to buy weed from a store instead of the backseat of some college student's car, all hell will break loose, reducing humans to heroin-injecting zombies who hang out in hookah lounges.

What follows is a collection of some of the more popular (i.e. straight up absurd) theories being trotted out by the tough-on-drugs crowd along with their respective counterpoints.

More smoking

Because of the alleged prevalence of spliffs—joints mixed with tobacco—in the Maritimes, Nova Scotia activist Chris Backer seems to think that legalization will lead to more people being addicted to cigarettes. "For a lot of Maritimers financially, we have less money here. And a lot of people stretched [marijuana] out that way by mixing it with tobacco," the vice-chair of Maritimers Unite for Medical Marijuana told the CBC. He said more people are likely to try marijuana once it's legal, most likely in the form of spliffs, which don't filter out "any of the garbage in tobacco."

For the record, spliffs are gross. The only people I know who enjoy them are people who already smoke cigarettes. There's absolutely no evidence that suggests anyone other than smokers are going to mix weed with tobacco. In fact, there's nothing that definitively shows a correlation between the use of one substance and the other. And while Backer is right that some people use spliffs to make their weed last longer, conserving your stash is less of a logistical concern if weed is readily available from a store.

Lastly, if we are worried that marijuana is going to lead people to use a much more harmful "drug," namely tobacco, maybe it's time to question why the latter is perfectly legal while being caught with the former one can still get you jailed.

Hookah lounges on the hook

Last week, during a Toronto city council debate in which councillors decided to shut down hookah lounges in the city, Councillor John Campbell sounded the alarm on the issue of "marijuana dens." Specifically, he suggested legalization could lead hookah lounges to transform into dens… of marijuana.

I don't really know where to start with this one. Even assuming that Campbell knows what a vapor lounge is and was making a reference to those, there's nothing to suggest that people who go out to a hookah lounge would expect to get high there, especially when they can already just go to a vapor lounge for that. I don't go to Starbucks and demand a double-double.

Campbell also asked which is more harmful, shisha or marijuana. It's a toss-up considering that the kind of shisha people smoke in licensed establishments is tobacco-free and marijuana is used as a goddamn medicine. But I guess, in Campbell's mind this whole issue has been sidestepped because hookah lounges are coming to an end. So everyone can just go back to using OG marijuana dens—a.k.a. their parents' basements.

Gateway to Hell

The Saskatoon police force, which hates weed so much that officers have said they'll arrest people for leftover roaches, has a list of weed-related concerns that have been parroted by other law enforcement agencies over the years. Inspector Dave Haye told VICE weed is a "gateway drug." Studies have shown, however, that factors like mental illness and socioeconomic status are bigger predictors of who is vulnerable to a drug addiction. And research has shown that weed can have the opposite effect of a gateway drug, helping opioid users, for example, stay off harder drugs.

Haye's ignorance didn't stop there though; he claimed marijuana on the streets is more dangerous than the reefer of the 60s. "I know what's used in grow ups; the marijuana itself could have negative health impacts." Great. But you know what tends to have quality control? Things that are regulated by the government. As for his assertion that weed is a "public safety issue," the fact is that weed is still the major cash crop for gangs in places like BC and Alberta. A gang expert told VICE legalization will "kick the legs out from underneath a lot of these groups."

Think of the children

A list of alarmist views on legalization wouldn't be complete without a nod to our former prime minister Stephen Harper. The same man who claimed weed is "infinitely worse" than cigarettes also thinks legalization will lead to more kids getting high. I'll just let this study do the talking (spoiler: he's wrong).

No one knows for sure what will happen when weed is legalized in Canada, but if Colorado is any indicator, we can expect a reduced crime rate, money saved on law enforcement, and millions of dollars in tax revenue. Terrifying.

Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.