They say if you starve a monkey of both food and companionship for 22 hours, and then offer it either or, it will always choose to return to its loved ones. Why? Because real recognise real, and monkeys understand one of life's undeniable truths: emotional pain is far more brutal than physical pain. Dear reader, nowhere is this more evident than in the messy break up.
If you've been watching BBC2 on a Wednesday night or spending any time on the internet in the last few months, you'll have no doubt caught wind of the biggest relationship trauma in television history since Roy Cropper banged Tracy Barlow behind Hayley's back. Forget Ozzy and Sharon, or Brangelina – 2016 has been all about Miche and Grindah.
The king and queen of Kurupt FM ended the latest series of People Just Do Nothing with their prospective marriage in tatters, as Grindah neglected Miche in favour of a threesome that never happened in an Ipswich Travelodge. So, with Miche still coming to terms with the nuclear fall out of their turbulent romance, we caught up with her to chat about love loss, Jeremy Corbyn, and the best break up bangers for curing a shattered heart.
Hey Miche. So, how are things going since the break up? U ok hun?
Well, obviously it was tough. When Grindah first went I filled the hole he had left behind with jacket potatoes. One night I lay on the sofa after a big JP session and wished we could just rewind. He'd always helped me to control my portion sizes.
I've not tried that before. Are carbs good for keeping your mind off things?
Not really. I was a mess! I started thinking: What if I hadn't sold his Avirex? What if I had been less selfish and given him our wedding fund to pay for his dreams and weed? What if I hadn't got adult acne? Plus, he's famous, you know? He has stunning Italian good looks and is a very talented musician. What if he dates someone else famous and I can't go on Daily Mail showbiz anymore without seeing them together?
Yeah, the internet is a bad place to be after a break up.
I also had to turn the TV off, cos I realised every show is just about love. So now we just use the telly for boxercise and zumba videos. I really recommend getting into them. It's like going clubbing in your living room.
What do you miss most about him?
I miss Kurupt FM. One of my big things I did when he left was I switched Kurupt off the radio, and moved over to Magic FM. I did regret it, and I wanted to go back to check out how he is, but it's really hard to tune back into Kurupt because it's very difficult to find – it's a bit of an art. So, yeah… once it was gone I just couldn't ever get it back.
How have you gotten yourself out of this hole?
Well, I'm a big memes fan, and I was looking through one on Facebook and it was a rainbow with the sun setting behind, and it said "The only person that can make you the best you is you." That really spoke to me, and made me realise that I needed to get out of bed, that I should shower, and that I do need to keep my job (cos I kept phoning in sick). So I got up, and I thought, I'm better than this. That's when I became the me I am today.
Yas Miche! Well, before we talk about your break up bangers, I thought we could do a little snog, marry avoid – since you're single now?
Okay: Romeo Dunn, Jeremy Corbyn, and Chabuddy G.
Well, obviously Romeo is my number one crush. I would snog him, because he's sex on legs. I don't know who Jerry Corbyn is. Is he on telly? What does he look like?
He's like an older man with grey hair. Clever though.
Clever? So probably rich. So I'll say marry. And then avoid Chabuddy, because he's not really my type. And he's a family friend so it would be like incest.
What about: Obama, Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and Steves?
This is more difficult, because Steves does have those gorgeous model looks, but he is also mentally disabled. Who else did we have? Obama? He's the one that presents American X-Factor isn't he? Okay, avoid Bruce Willis because he's aggressive and I don't like angry bald men. Obama, marry, because I would love to go to America one day. And snog Steves.
Right, let's get down to the reason we're even talking: your ultimate break up bangers. First up you've picked Brandy & Monica's "The Boy is Mine".
So, this is an anthem for all the girls; we all remember going club to this when we were fifteen, right? But this is the garage remix, so it's the proper version. The heart is an amazing thing really, because it tells you how you're feeling and suddenly it was telling me that I was very angry about everything and that maybe I actually hated Grindah. I also read a meme that said, "Jealousy is a disease, it's something you need to get well soon from". That made me think: yeah, I need to cure myself from that.
Next, you've gone for Sticky x Kele le Roc's "Things We Do"?
When we broke up, I didn't know how I should feel. So I googled it: How should I feel? And basically it said there was this thing called the five steps of grieving. You start off wondering what you could have done better, then you are angry, then you are sad, then you are reflective, and eventually... you're feeling sassy. This song came during the sad period. It's a weepy number, but it means a lot to me.
Good stuff. Next choice was "Enough is Enough" by Y Tribe. Why this one?
When we split, I got so angry that I threw out his hair gel and put all of his designer clothes in rubbish bags because I knew creasing his Mosch would hurt him the most. I even threw his favourite leather bean bag into the street. I'd finally kicked him and his leather bean bag to the kerb! This song is about how the best revenge is moving on.
Now we're moving into the slow jams.
You've laid in bed, shopped all day on the internet, and got fat. But you've got to think: there is a world out there, and you need to get out there. Well, obviously the internet is a world, but you can also move still. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one, so it was time for me to go out and get drunk with all of my bffs until I couldn't remember anything. Ginuwine's "World is So Cold" means shots time, bitches!
Next up, the banger that is B15 Project - "Girls Like Us".
So I got my teeth whitened, got some big chunky highlights, got big eyebrows tattooed on, rang up my mum, my cousins, my best friend Tanya, and I arranged a night out. That's B15 Project, "Girls Like Us". It's a classic going out tune. Perfect for prinks (that's pre drinks). It was time to move on and start again. It was the new me! I remember having like eighteen Jager bombs in Ealing Broadway and thinking this is me, this is who I am now. And feeling so happy! Then I can't remember anything else.
Finally, Lisa Maffia's "All Over"...
Fuck the haters!