Yes: that is Wayne Rooney, Daley Blind, Chris Smalling, Little Juan Mata and Ashley Young saving the earth from an alien invasion under the slightly dismissive instruction of Jeff Goldblum. Yes: that is what is happening here. Manchester United struck the deal of the millennium with 20th Century Fox, and this is what happens now. Remember when Wayne Rooney was in X Men? This is what happens now. Thank you, 20th Century Fox.United v aliens – we know who we're backing! — Manchester United (@ManUtd)June 14, 2016
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So the Manchester United squad has some deficiencies. Does it stop them being sent into space to fight aliens? It does not stop them being sent into space to fight aliens. And their captain, O captain, is little Wazza Rooney, incomprehensibly the only footballer being sent into space in his full football kit, which asks a lot of questions on its own (was Wayne Rooney late to lift off so had to just go in what he was wearing? Is a full Manchester United kit what Wayne Rooney is always wearing? Does he sleep in that kit? Is he some sort of adidas-sponsored nevernude?), but Wayne Rooney leads them into space and then they defeat a load of aliens – nobody seems to get a confirmed kill, but whatever; they are up there and they are doing their best – and then Wayne Rooney says, "Nice battle, boys, but the war isn't over," because the war isn't over. There are still a lot of remaining questions. Like: why did we have to send five Manchester United squad members to fight aliens? Why was Ashley Young one of those squad members? Why is Daley Blind the subject of such heat-of-the-battle micro-aggressions revolving around the pronunciation of his name? But no, seriously, why did we send footballers up? Did all the actual pilots and soldiers die? Was Wayne Rooney the only one left? There are so many questions here.United v aliens – we know who we're backing! — Manchester United (@ManUtd)June 14, 2016
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It's summer, a summer wedding. Polished classic cars litter the driveway up to the house. A clutch of bridesmaids giggle under an awning. The bride cuts the cake. Confetti flutters in the air, laughter. A handsome Italian singer croons towards a swaying crowd. In the distance: a lake, with boats. But darker now, into the shade. Men with sweaty foreheads and combed hair queue outside a door. Two brick shithouse units stand either side. Through the door, a creaking leather chair. A small Italian-American is ushered in. He is shaking, nervous. "A–ah–ah ah–ah," he says. "Ah–ah ah, ah–Wayne Rooney."Wayne Rooney, his cheeks stuffed fat with Greggs bread rolls, adidas kit on under his tuxedo jacket, turns to face him. "You come to me, boys," he says, flatly, Scousely. "On the day of my daughter's wedding. And you do not even think to call me godfather." Wayne Rooney, laughing and tossing an orange, seconds away from being shot. Wayne Rooney, clumsily stroking a cat. Wayne Rooney, crying and gnashing over the body of James Caan. In the end, The Godfather only won three Academy Awards. Imagine how many it would have got with Wayne Rooney in the lead.Film: The Godfather
Role: The Godfather
Would Wayne Rooney improve this film? Yes
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Wayne Rooney is in a suit and Wayne Rooney is in a sports car and Wayne Rooney is married to Margot Robbie and Wayne Rooney is decking quaaludes and Wayne Rooney is making money over money and Wayne Rooney is trying to shag Joanna Lumley and John O'Shea is his little Jonah Hill one and Wayne Rooney is on a yacht, high and screaming, and Wayne Rooney is being interrogated by the FBI and Wayne Rooney is finding loophole after loophole and Wayne Rooney is feeling it all crashing in around him and Wayne Rooney is a sober man, Wayne Rooney is on the alcohol-free beer sending Post-It notes to Big Johnny Shea-Shea, and Wayne Rooney is guilt, and Wayne Rooney is going to jail, and at the end, Wayne Rooney is absolved, Wayne Rooney is tanned and dark and healthy, Wayne Rooney has survived prison and is a changed, remade man, and Wayne Rooney is wearing a wireless microphone, and Wayne Rooney leans closer, to you and to the camera, Wayne Rooney leans in and Wayne Rooney whispers: "Sell me this pen."Film: Wolf of Wall Street
Role: Jordan Belfort
Would Wayne Rooney improve this film? Yes
Colleen Rooney is splashing and laughing in the sea. Birds flutter in the distance. "Do you think," Colleen Rooney asks, "in another lifetime, I could've been a bird?" And this is where Wayne Rooney's emotional depth really comes into play. Because he has none at all. I feel like in moments of extreme distress, Wayne Rooney cannot really raise his voice above a sort of autocue monotone. Like, if Wayne Rooney was in extreme pain – his leg has just been shot off, for instance, by snipers at the FA Cup final, and he is crawling towards the assembled medics nearby, blood on his mouth and on his kit, and he is screaming… even then, I feel like him saying "help me, medics, I am dying" would still come out quite flat and emotionless, like that robot you used to be able to get to say things out loud for you on old computers. So anyway, yes, I would really like to see him gaze wistfully into the sea and then grab Colleen Rooney so hard his flat cap fell off, and then say, with Rooneyesque anti-aplomb: "If you are a bird, boys, I am a bird." That is something I would very much like to see.Film: The Notebook
Role: Noah
Would Wayne Rooney improve this film? Yes, but also very much no
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First instinct: yes, I want Wayne Rooney as Darth Vader, flatly saying, "I feel a disturbance in the force, boys," the force-choking Ryan Giggs. But Wayne Rooney excels when he is playing a sweet, good-hearted underdog, a wise maester, a pure being, and also someone who is going bald, and so for that reason he has to play Yoda. Imagine Marcus Rashford (Luke) wearing little Wayne Rooney on his back as he whispers, "Do or do not, boys, there is no try." Imagine a CGI Wayne Rooney telling the Jedi Council that fear is the path to the dark side, and that anger leads to hate, and that hate leads to stamping on Richard Carvalho's balls in the quarter final of the European cup.Film: Star Wars
Role: Yoda
Would Wayne Rooney improve this film? Yes
Are you joking? Would Wayne Rooney improve this film? Are you joking? The only way to improve this film is with the addition of Wayne Rooney. Wayne Rooney, hair curled, tight leather jacket, cigarette under the stiletto, Wayne Rooney shoulder-shaking with John Travolta in a funhouse mirror, Wayne Rooney having chills, Wayne Rooney is electrified, boys? Wayne Rooney requiring you to shape up, because he needs a man? The greatest musical but possibly also the best half-time pep talk of all time? Yes. Yes. Incontrovertible proof: every film is improved with Wayne Rooney in the title role. Every single film. Cast him as every member of the Ghostbusters. Cast him as both the lead roles in Legend. A Jack and Jill remake with Wayne Rooney as both Jack and Jill would win every single Oscar. Yes, yes, yes. Wayne Rooney is the acting great this country is crying out for.Film: Grease
Role: Sandy
Would Wayne Rooney improve this film? Yes
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