Annoying Conversations You'll Have at the Pub About Brexit

Uh oh guys. We left the EU. The big dogs in Brussels are already sharpening their axes ready to lop our big fucking stupid head off, wrap it in a union Jack and throw it in the channel. Unfortunately, like most things in life, it's now out of our hands and is up to people we don't trust or even like very much to not ruin it and make our lives an even more legitimate living hell than they already are. Who knows, maybe it'll be OK? (It won't, bad things are going to happen.)

But you know what they can't take away from us? Our alcohol. Sure, maybe now Kronenbourg will be so expensive that you may as well brew it at home and give yourself a thousand fermentation parasites, but it's still ours, we have a right to it. And we'll be damned if we won't drown our collective sorrows in boozers up and down the country tonight. Maybe you're celebrating, perhaps this is a victory for you. For these metropolitan milksops, however, it's #totallynotcool.

Anyway, here are some conversations you're going to have over and over and over again in the pub tonight, and probably tomorrow night, and the night after that until the country literally just sinks below sea level and we all get wiped out like we most definitely deserve.

"Did you see that FTSE 100 thing? Pound looks a bit fucked. Reckon I should get some Euros out or something?"

"Maybe yeah. Could get some dollars too while we're there. What about some other weird currencies? I've never seen a Polish Zloty. Would quite like to have one."

"Yeah? I've never seen a Japanese Yen before. Wonder what they're like, bet they probably look pretty like the kimonos and the thing they make the birds from."

"What's that?"

"You know they fold up a bit of A4 and make hats and birds out of it and hang them off trees and that."

"Oh yeah."

"Could just move abroad couldn't we? How much is a house in Finland or something like that? I can't imagine they cost very much."

"Why wouldn't they?"

"Dunno, not really a lot going on there is there? Spain would be pricy because it's hot and you can get a nice big paella. On the downside they dress like crusty drama teachers and have haircuts like they're in a straight to VHS sequel of Mad Max."

"True, they do dress like shit. I dunno about Finland, though, isn't it full of church burning Satanist nutters?"

"Nah that's Norway. You're thinking of Norway. Fuck's sake."

"Ah yeah sorry. What about America? That could be quite fun with your man Trump at the helm. We could 'help' with the wall but just make it out of with horse shit and gob, would tumble over with just a glance."

"Don't like Americans, they're just us but more thick and humourless. We might be fucked here but at least we wont get shot in the eye by some 4Chan guy in a cinema."

"Could be worse. Could be at war. Getting drafted into the army to get your legs blown off and have to walk on those things that look like plastic question marks."

"Very true. We could be getting nuked right now. Everyone's faces melting off into their hands, screaming and crying vomiting blood everywhere, all their skin falling off their arms so they're just a bunch of green skeletons walking around doing gurgling bellows of pain. Ahh! Ahh!"

"… Yeah."

"Big tank comes over and crushes all the walking skeletons with a big crunch. Big tank with a hammer and sickle on it blowing up every hospital in sight, newborn babies flying out the windows in every direction like a fireworks display. Corr can you imagine that? That would be shit."

"Mmm."

"I mean, no one comes out of this smelling of roses do they?"

"Farage has already said that 350 mill is probably not going to the NHS like they said, so he's a lying cunt. Boris is just going to sell all your children to be statues in an Arab king's wine cellar, Gove has the flustered yet smug face of a nudist who's forced to put his clothes on at beach – they're all wankers."

"Osborne hasn't said a lot has he? Osborne hasn't said a lot has he? He's probably chain smoking Embassy Red in the attic at Number 11."

"Lucky."

"Yeah… There's mutiny afoot in Labour too. Everyone's trying to lop Corbyn's knackers off. Seems a little ill-timed though don't you think?"

"They never loved that poor cow-man. He was never part of the gang. I never thought not shaving would lead to so much trouble… until I shagged your mum."

"Nice one."

"At least Britain is back in the hands of the British people!"

"—via a Conservative government who were already in charge anyway."

"Exactly! Do you want to be governed by unelected officials in Germany?"

"No, I want to be governed by an unelected official in Britain, like Boris Johnson, who is likely going to be PM as per an internal Conservative party election."

"Britain, back in control of the British!"

"It is good that now we can do British things, like— uh…"

"Hmm…"

"No, I'll think of one, I'll think of one."

"Yeah, no, me too. I'm sure there's one—"

"Like… uhh… oh, God, no, it's gone again—"

"FISH! We are free to fish again."

"Fish! Right, exactly. Yeah. No it's good we have control now."

"Rule Britannia."

"What if they just, like, don't invoke Article 50?"

"Yeah. David Cameron can just un-resign and say, 'fuck it off, lads, the Brexit was just banter'"

"Why can't they do that?"

"It's not like a referendum is legally binding, is it. It's just every single MP agreeing that they would go with the overwhelming wishes of the majority of voters and act on the result of it. It's just that."

"Big Davey Cameron, roaring into Westminster on a horse made of pound coins, impaling Boris Johnston on a perfectly straight EU-sanction cucumber sword"

"Maybe we can just have another, better referendum."

@joe_bish / @joelgolby

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