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Money

How to Save Money Without Being a (Complete) Dick

A few choice tips to help you save money and keep your friends.

Photo by Thunderchild 7 via Flickr

This article was originally published on VICE Netherlands

Oh, money. We'd all love to be able make it rain $100 notes, but cold, hard reality just isn't going to let that happen, is it? We still have astronomical rents to cough up, student loans to pay off, and cans of less-than-ethical tuna meat to buy. Austerity aside, our generation is also teeming with people—myself included—that couldn't give a shit about clever financial prioritization. We'd rather have a laugh and waste all our money on things like Brooklyn lager and artisanal cheeses. There really is nothing like the feeling of spending money you don't have on things you don't need.

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Eventually though, this economic frivolity will have to end. Preferably before some hard-as-nails debt collector type comes knocking at your door. At some point, we all have to start being responsible with our money. It's an essential part of growing up. But how do you spend your money wisely without instantly turning into a stingy dick? It's a bit of a conundrum: Nobody likes a miser, but you will have to mind your money if you want to keep on, well, living. Here are a few choice tips to help you save money and keep your friends.

Spend Time at Your Mom's House

Photo via The Museum of Living Rooms

Let's face it, you don't visit your parents enough. A fact that makes you a terrible person. If you'd like to be a good child and save a bit of money while at it, you should start visiting mommy and daddy worryingly often. The'll love it and it'll fit perfectly with your penny pinching-crusade. Free dinners are a great idea when you're trying to save up and who in the world is happier to give you food that your mother?

Envision a Life Where Your Bank Account Isn't in Minus

Don't fret about all the things you can't afford to do right now—focus instead on what your savings could allow you to do. It'll help you become a far less bitter person. You could finally get your bicycle tire fixed or buy a new bicycle altogether; you could pay back your loans; rent a boat; take a trip or even buy a gourmet burger (which is actually just a normal burger but with tinned guacamole). The list of exciting things made possible by being clever with your money is endless. Set a clear goal of how much you want to save and by when—it'll help you resist temptation when that dealer you called at 4AM after the Christmas party sends his obligatory Friday night "good wine on sale!!!" text.

Openly Admit to Being a Scrooge

Photo by Bob Foster via

Your mate called, you failed to resist, and now you're down the pub being expected to get the next round in. Unfortunately, your new found thriftiness won't allow for it. Sure, the fact that you ended up down the pub may well be a telltale sign that you've got absolutely no backbone, but not giving a round doesn't (always) mean you're a total bastard.

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One of the more common mistakes in a situation like this would be to sneak out and hide in the toilet until your mates buy their own or make a sad face and just say you're poor. But why not just say: "Dear boys and girls, I'm trying to spend less. I'll be drinking at your expense tonight." Maybe you're an asshole now, but at least you're an honest asshole and there's something to be said for that.

Don't Scrounge Things

Photo via VICE News

Whatever your addiction may be, quit. No ifs or buts, just do it. Liquor, drugs, tobacco, weird LPs that you won't ever listen to: You don't need any of it. Not to sound like a life coach, but you're better than that. You are a unique snowflake; you are strong, you are in control, and you need nothing but yourself.

Don't whine, get yourself together, look your addiction in its beastly face and mock it. You'll no longer need to invest tons of money in the tobacco industry or be that prick who's always scrounging cigarettes. The inner peace that this will provide you with is also free.

Shop for Groceries During the Day

That haunting sound you hear whilst walking through your local Londis at night is actually the products laughing sardonically at your need to pay astronomical prices to obtain them. Prevent that by thinking ahead about what you will want to eat later that night. Buy a fuckload of food so there isn't a single excuse to leave the house.

This whole "thinking ahead" thing seems to be one of the cornerstones of adult life. Make no mistake though, the "big shop" is totally the first sign that you're transitioning into your parents and edging ever closer to the bitter end. But, as long as no one sees you, it's fine. Besides, from now on your fridge will be stocked with beer—which is a marvelous reward for being boring.

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DIY

Photo by Jake Lewis

Much the same as above, really. I know those Chipotle burritos are seriously good, but they cost like $10. You can buy 24 packets of pot noodle for that mad money. Just get the ingredients yourself and make your own meals. They'll probably taste like shit but at least you're saving money.

Don't Buy Stupid Stuff You Don't Need

Picture via WikiMedia Commons

This might sound generic, but it's also the only tip you really need for saving money. Avoid those special officers by the cash registers and resist the temptations of all that shit you don't need, like handy robot-vacuums, books you could in theory just borrow, pens, lighters, a second cheese slicer, fake flowers, lol shirts, pretty necklaces you'll forget about the next day, scented candles, stress relief balls, everyday items that are shaped like a cock for no good reason, magazines, bottled water, picture frames, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

It takes some getting used to and some persistence, but there's really nothing like noticing your bank account filling up. And if you play it smart, your mates wont even notice you've become a dirty Scrooge, even though you most definitely are.