Kitty Powers’ Dating Tips for First-Timers

Dating? Ain't nobody got time for that! Literally. Nowadays, everyone seems obsessed with dating apps and websites and nobody has time to do "real" dating. I for one spend far too much time in front of my computer, double clicking my mouse button…

The problem with the people you meet on dating apps is that they're all mouth and no trousers. I want a date whose bite is as bad as their bark! Hiding behind their headless torsos and their duck-face selfies, no wonder it's like finding a needle in a haystack. (And who wants a needle anyway? I'd rather find a large cucumber in a haystack.)

As far as I'm concerned, those "dating" apps are like fast food – they're okay if you want to "fill a hole", but that's literally all they're good for. I want a three-course meal with all the trimmings, and those minty things they give you afterwards. A real relationship!

Well, as the video games industry's premier drag queen, and creator of the most sophisticated dating simulator ever made, obviously, I'm here to spill the "T" on how, with my help, you can become a dating doyen, even without time to practise on real-life humans.

Do your homework
Before the date, scrutinise their profile and look for clues. Remember, the things they're not into are just as important as the things they are into! If they've got no detail in their profile, they're clearly not that bothered. So unless you've got no detail in yours, don't waste your time.

What "type" are they?
We don't want a culture war on our hands! Check out their photos. The more they have, the better. Do they share your fashion sense? Do they have similar hobbies? How annoying would it be if they were obsessed with collecting action figures? Would a passion for flower arranging get on your tits?

Box ticking
What boxes are you trying to tick? The top five things you're looking for in a partner. You don't have to fill every box; in fact, it can be more interesting not to. I like to have at least three of my boxes filled on a date (if you know what I mean).

Get your friends involved
It's more fun with friends. Get their second opinion on your potential partners. They won't be as distracted by your crushing loneliness or throbbing libido as you are. Organise an evening of wine and cheese (and RuPaul's Drag Race) and show them your potential partners. They might even have some advice for the date itself, like what to wear. Always remember though, opinions are like orgasms: yours comes first!

Tart yourself up
Leave enough time before your date to make sure you look (and smell) your best. You can make a big impression with the right look. If it's important to impress, think about what they will like. (Remember that Google image search and Facebook stalk you did of them?) It's important to send out the right signals – does your style express your inner being? Don't try to be something you're not (unless you really are desperate).

Be prepared for anything
Anything can happen on a date to spoil the mood. Make sure you've memorised as much as you can about them, so you can make the right choice in the event of an emergency. Don't write it all down though, you don't want to look like a stalker. And pay attention to what they say. Nobody likes not being listened to (except when they're in the toilet).

'Kitty Powers' Matchmaker', Steam launch trailer

Honesty is the best policy
If you want a relationship that lasts, try to tell the truth as much as possible. It's not hard to lie your way into someone's heart, but if you want it to last, it's best to be honest. The only skeleton you want in your closet is that terrible Halloween costume from last year's party. You know, the one where you puked on your shoes.

Don't rush into anything
Despite what your hormones or their pheromones may be telling you, you don't have to jump into anything (including their bed) after just one date. Grow the relationship over multiple dates and you've got time to play the field a bit. Play the long game and keep them interested – if you rush it they might think you're too desperate, and that's about as attractive as a wet dog trying to hump your leg.

I hope you've been listening carefully huntys, because not many people get to look at my tips for free (you lucky so-and-sos). If you want to know more, you could always practise all of the above suggestions and hone your dating prowess in my saucy new dating simulator, Kitty Powers' Matchmaker. Good luck, Kittens! *Mwah*

Kitty Powers also goes by the name of Rich Franke. (Thanks, Rich.) Kitty Powers' Matchmaker is out now via Steam and for mobile devices and tablets.

@MsKittyPowers

Previously:

This Is What the 'Papers, Please' Guy Is Doing Next

The Greatest Moments of 'The Legend of Zelda'

My Night on the Piss With the 'EVE Online' Vikings