We Wrote Ten More Boutique Tax Credits for the Conservative Party to Announce

Today, Stephen Harper announced that, should he be re-elected, the Patty and Selmas of this country will have their tax bill reduced by up to $300.

That's thanks to the new Pension Income Credit, which will allow single and widowed seniors to claim up to $2,000 in pension revenue per year as tax-free.

This game changer is on top of a home renovation tax credit that was announced in August, and another tax credit for people who belong to clubs and/or secret societies.

I, for one, think that is a wonderful idea.

At some 3,000-odd pages, the Income Tax Act is only going to get better as we keep adding boutique tax credits to it.

Between the tax credits for parking, being a volunteer firefighter, enrolling your kids in art classes, and being part of a search and rescue team, these tax credits mean those various people (voters) who are engaged in oddly-specific activities will avoid paying dozens—DOZENS!—of dollars in taxes.

The Conservatives, just like the NDP and Liberals, would do well to continue adding those needlessly complex boutique credits.

Because, even though only 42 percent of the families who were able to claim the Child Fitness Tax Credit actually did so, these tax credits are obviously encouraging good behaviour, like becoming a volunteer firefighter or killing your husband.

This, of course, is what the Conservative Party was founded on—creating specific loopholes in the tax base to encourage good social behaviour, instead of just lowering taxes for everyone to encourage spending, saving, and job growth. Because that would be foolish.

So we here at VICE—as big fans of the previous Conservative efforts to create a complex web of tax rules that seem to only benefit a small subsection of parents with kids—would like to suggest a few more tax credits and benefits that the Conservatives could announce as part of their campaign to reduce the tax base on lonely old exercise junkies who own driveways. We even wrote the press releases for you!

The A Great Game Tax Credit
Hey, do you like books? Well this tax credit will make books FREE. Well, it will make one book free. The tax credit will refund the full cost of A Great Game: The Forgotten Leafs and the Rise of Professional Hockey is a highly educational book about the rise of professional hockey in Toronto during the early 20th century, despite opposition from early hockey purists. The book has been lauded for its academic rigor and its effort to catalog an oft-forgotten period of hockey history. The book was authored by Stephen Harper (no relation).

The Walk-It-Off Tax Credit
Everybody knows that hospitals are becoming a tad strained, what with the cost of all of you wangs living longer. So, in order to reduce the burden on our doctors and nurses, we'll be introducing a $200 tax benefit for each time you sustain an otherwise serious injury, but decide to forego medical treatment. Break your arm? Set it yourself, and you'll get 200 big ones. Heart attack? Pop a few aspirin and lie down, and you've just earned yourself a-fifth-of-one-month's-rent. Hit by a car? Bounce back, and you'll be able to rent your own car for a week.

The Kid Birthday Tax Benefit
As part of our effort to send infuriatingly small benefit cheques to families with children, we will be implementing a benefit that will be mailed to every family on the day of their kid's birthday. The amount of the benefit will be the number of children you have multiplied by the age of your celebrating child divided by the average age of your other children (divide by 1.2 if that child is an only child) multiplied by the number of kids at the party, subtracted by cost of total entertainment for said party.

The Addiction Tax Credit
For those Canadians struggling with addiction and financial destitution, our government will be introducing a tax credit that will help pick them off the street and get their lives back together. The Addiction Tax Credit will be a 100 percent refundable tax benefit to get back every dollar the government has made off your liquor, gambling, and cigarettes purchases.

The AM Talk Radio Tax Credit
Everybody knows that the media is full of Liberal elites who want to claw back the boutique tax credits you haven't actually done anything to earn, so we want to encourage you take in some other kinds of news. For every 100 hours of talk radio you listen to, we'll knock off $2—heck, call it $3—from your tax bill. So sit back, turn on your ol' squawk box, and listen to an endless stream of elderly voters call in to your local host (his name is probably Rick) and complain about how immigrants are ruining Christmas.

The Conservative Backbencher Tax Credit
It's not easy sitting in the farthest reaches of the House of Commons, abandoned not just by your leader and party, but by time itself. You sit, forlorn, forsaken, and ultimately forgotten. Legislation passes, but not for you. You read questions to your more successful superiors, but the words are not your own. Everyday you return to your office and stare into the hopeful eyes of your college-age staffer, wondering how low a Member of Parliament can sink before they become simply part of the gothic etchings on the exquisite marble of Centre Block. You read briefing books, absorbing only the letter of the talking points, knowing that deviation from the script is not only forbidden, but beyond your long-deflated ambition. You stare at the fresh-faced parliamentary secretaries on TV, wishing you could return to that moment where you felt strong enough waves of either optimism or cynicism so as to motivate you to believe in something. Your eyes are dead. Your career is over. You will be able to claim $800 from your pension as tax-free.

The Not-Joining-ISIS Tax Benefit
We will mail you $500 if you don't join ISIS.

The Tax Credit Tax Credit
Are you not able to claim any of our marvelous tax credits? Well this tax credit is for you! If you don't qualify for a single tax break in the tax code, use this one to claim $450 dollars of your income tax-free!

Anyone claiming the Tax Credit Tax Credit will be ineligible for the Tax Credit Tax Credit.

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