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The Definitive Analysis of That Trudeau-Obama-Nieto Handshake That You Didn’t Know You Needed

God damn, does anyone else need a smoke?

by Drew Brown
Jun 29 2016, 10:14pm

Screencap via CBS

Justin Trudeau—damn! This guy is constantly on fire. He is the cool sexy feminist that everybody loves. His boxing prowess is so renowned that he is on the cover of a Marvel comic for some reason. He has hair so good that his enemies have been mad about it since 2011. And now, he has mastered—nay, invented—a new form of handshake—the triple handshake. It's sick as hell, dogg. Sick. As. Hell.

This news is incredible, but bear with me. Just look at this shit. LOOK AT IT.

Oh yeah baby. Fuck. I need a smoke.

At first sight, it's a little awkward. Mexican President Enrique Nieto is so busy being super impressed by the Peace Tower and/or how few murdered teachers there are in Ottawa that he almost missed his opportunity to duck in on the overpowering bromance between Trudeau and Barack "My Secret Boyfriend" Obama. They only lock eyes for an instant but that's all you need because you can feel how real it is. IT IS SO REAL.

But Trudeau is a gentlemen. He cannot be selfish here because there is another man to please in this scenario. So he smoothly—so smoothly!—glides his hand across the space between Obama and Nieto that he is briefly bridging the two men. Is this not symbolic of the entire Canadian project—the world peacekeeper? Trudeau here is the conduit of 170 years of Mexican-American animosity stretching from the invasion of Mexico in 1846 to the unprecedented deportation of immigrants under Obama but he is just taking it like a champ.

He is just dissolving all that tension, grounding that electrical force in his (probably) powerful thighs. Look at the laser focus in his face. This is the face of a man playing Operation. He's in there and he knows the stakes are high. This is it. The fate of North America probably rests on resolving this hand crisis.

Nieto is not sure how to deal with Obama short of the reconquista of Aztlán—he is grasping, flailing, falling through eternity here in this split-second diplomatic vacuum. But Trudeau is on it. He is ready for this. This is what he was born for: world fucking peace.

With a quick pat on the back, he frees up Obama's hand and brings Nieto in for the closer. Trudeau grips Obama's shoulder—this is it. They've done it. The crowd goes fucking wild. You can feel the joy—it spreads across everyone's face. Infectious, triumphant. Obama is grinning. Nieto's mind is obviously blown. He cannot believe his fingertips.

Trudeau though—he understands. He is fully aware of his accomplishment. This is the pinnacle of his career. Now he is truly one of the Three Amigos, bound by blood to defend our continent from Brexiteers and Donald Trumps everywhere. John Oliver is going to have a field day with this shit.

After today, we can rest easy. Our future is in good hands. Sweaty, shaky, awkward, grasping, clumsy hands. God bless North America.

Follow Drew Brown on Twitter.