A Father's Day Gift Guide

To the Aka Pygmy people of Central Africa, or as I like to refer to them, “the best fathers in the world,” a good dad is someone who spends every goddamn hour all up in your personal business and even breastfeeds you along with a lot of other awkward things. In some countries a good dad is just someone who meets the minimum requirements parenthood by helping to conceive you, sticking around until you’re old enough to leave the house, and then every now and then coming to the phone to grunt “hello” when you call home because you have a problem and need to borrow money. To the ones who are able to pull this off successfully they earn one full day of love and praise from their families on Father’s Day, which is coming up this Sunday for the majority of countries that choose to give a shit. It’s not as popular a holiday as Mother’s Day, and it’s not quite as festive: more collect phone calls are made on Father’s Day than on any other day of the year. But if you’re part of the population that does love the man (or men?) who raised you and want to let 'em know this year, here are a few suggestions for gifts that he might actually like. The kind of items he won’t just say he likes, then secretly hoard them down in the basement on the side of the house that has water damage.

Terrapin “Thanks for All The Shit You Do” Stationary

Dads are pretty bad at communicating. It’s not that they don’t care or think saying “sorry” and “thank you” are for pussies, they just have so many other important things going on in their lives they’re easily overwhelmed by emotion and, as a result, resort to expressing their feelings in the most indecipherable ways possible. There’s no guarantee that giving your dad Terrapin’s “Thanks For All The Shit You Do” stationary is magically going to change anything; sending cards is for girls. But maybe it’ll help him out later on down the line when he and your Mom get in a spat about how she feels underappreciated or whatever parents fight about…

Huf Fuck It Bucket Hat

If your dad is a potty mouth there is no doubt he’ll get a “real hoot” out of wearing a hat that says FUCK IT all over it—especially if it comes in the form of a bucket hat. Not a lot of people look good in this kind of domewear, but to an old man (or a baby) it’s basically Cadillac Supreme of headgear. They cover bald spots, give maximum coverage so they can avoid tan lines from their weirdo dad-like wraparound sunglasses, and once again it helps him to really say what he feels on the inside without actually having to say anything at all, which is just the way he probably likes it.

SSUR Kill Em All Snapback

Old men loooooooooove to talk about the military. Whether or not they were ever in it, they sure as hell should have, would have, and could have slayed it shooting and blowing up whatever the fuck our armed forces were targeting during their youth; or so they say. This SSUR Kill Em All snapback will surely help bring your old man back to the “good ol’ days” or just make him feel like you feel he’s a much tougher man than he really is. And bottom line, the only thing that matters to your dad is that you think he’s tough and cool even though he spends most of his time walking around the house with his undershirt tucked into the front of his sweatpants.

Mister God Ring

If your dad is the kind of man who doesn’t shy away from a lil’ bit of bling he’s going to love the Mister God Ring. As the head of the family (either biological or Mafia) your dad is the ultimate, your creator and will probably expect you to heed his word before all others and turn to him for guidance. He’ll also probably demand you shower him with love and respect because he is the man of the house and puts all the food on the goddamn table and, dammit you’re going to do whatever he says because that’s just the way it is!

Lacoste L!VE Short-Sleeve Hawaiian Print Woven Shirt

A lot of dads don’t like change. These are the types of fathers who haven’t gone shopping in ten-plus years and instead find solace in wearing the same exact thing every single day. This Lacoste L!VE Hawaiian shirt is a safe buy for a man of this type, because old guys who can’t let go always have at least one tropical shirt in their closets. Only difference is this one doesn’t smell weird, have moth holes in it, and it has an alligator on a surfboard in the design. It’s basically just a way more expensive version of the same “vacation” shirt his dad passed down to him that will one day be forced into your possession.

Car Play Mat T-Shirt

The worst thing about being a young dad—other than the fact that you just lived in a house with a huge bitch for nine months and you’re now responsible for a baby—is the fact that you don’t get cool gifts. Half of the presents your child tries to bestow upon you are more than likely covered in feces and your wife is too busy to put any real effort into finding anything good so Father’s Day is going to be pretty “whatevs” for a bit. Your best bet is to ask for something useful that will make the whole family happy like the Car Play Mat T-Shirt. It gives you an excuse to take naps whenever you want so the wife can’t claim that you’re not spending enough quality time with your beast of a baby.

Emperor 1510 Computer Station

“It’s the thought that counts” doesn’t fly with the kind of dads who picks favorites based on which family member coughed up more dough for his present. He spends all of his time at work, and when he’s not there he’s hiding in his home office holding grudges about a bunch of stupid crap you don’t even remember doing because he’s a total dick. He won’t even think twice about cutting you out of your inheritance or placing a hold on your trust fund if you screw up too hard. Do yourself a favor just this once and combine forces with all your half-siblings and stepmothers this Father’s Day and get that asshole something obnoxiously impressive. Any gadget resembling a spaceship that allows him to be in total control of his environment is never a bad idea.

"Gone Fishing" Boob Coozie

A simple booze coozie goes a long way for the Father that just likes to hang. Watching TV, going fishing, taking a nap—no matter what he does he’s forever destined to have a good time and think about how awesome his son or daughter is for getting him such a useful gift. He’ll probably even try to whip it out when his buddies come over to watch the game Sunday and crack jokes about how their kids are a bunch of losers for not getting them anything as epic as a coozie with boobs on it.

BBQ Branding Iron&Tactical BBQ Apron

Some of us were blessed with Dads who can cook. Others were stuck with Dads that can’t get off their asses to make a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich yet still try to act like they’re some badass BBQ master when all they do is stand at the grill and burn everything. No matter which of the two you are forced to spend time with this weekend, they’ll all enjoy the BBQ Branding Iron or the Tactical BBQ Apron. For starters who wouldn’t want to brand a piece of meat? And what better way to do this than while wearing a sick ass apron that makes you look like you’re ready for combat? It says,“I made this meat MY bitch. Now sit the hell down and enjoy it.”

Supreme Inflatable Raft

One of the most annoying bits about parents is that as soon as you and your siblings flee the nest they start going on nice vacations and installing fancy shit like swimming pools. Sucks for you but it makes a lot of sense: you came punching and screaming into this world and completely changed their lives forever. This is why something as simple as an inflatable pool raft will go a long way this Father’s Day. While you could probably get some ghetto float from Wal-Mart for $10.99 and no one will care, the Supreme inflatable raft is much nicer option.

Dad Shirt

Of all the gifts you could give a Dad this Father’s Day, the Dad Shirt is at the very top of the list. What guy doesn’t appreciate a nice polo shirt? This particular item also happens to be a million times cooler than anything with a guy on a horse or crocodile because instead it features an embroidered dad holding an infant in a Baby Bjorn! Seriously? How fucking cute is it to see a dude taking pride in the fact that he just made a baby? It doesn’t even matter if he doesn’t have a baby— attached or not, that guy is getting laid. It’s maternity clothing for dudes and it’s mega sexy.

Casio G-Shock Classic Matte Watch

No one uses watches anymore except for Dads because they’re too old to understand how to use their cell phone god forbid they actually have one. So it goes without saying that getting the father figure in your life a watch is never going to be waste of your money. This classic timepiece by G-Shock is nice because its massive like the dorky watches he used to wear when he was younger, matte (which is chic these days), and great for diving, timing workouts, a.k.a. a bunch of athletic things he won’t ever do but probably dreams about. @ABUNNY