Have These People Really Seen an Alien?

It's easy to dismiss people who claim to have been abducted by aliens as nutters, and let's face it, they invariably are. There's something about the geographical consistency, Twilight Zone cliches and mad, staring eyes that makes it hard to take them seriously. But New York photographer Steven Hirsch has put away his cynicism, and has given a voice to these victims of intergalactic sequester. Along with this, he's also given them some crayons and a slightly demeaning photographic portrait of themselves to help people believe their ridiculous stories.

Sure, it's easy to dismiss this as an exploitative exercise, an educated New York artist finding a bunch of cranks from the bayous and giving them a chance to run wild with their bizarre anecdotes and wide reaching accusations. But maybe, just maybe, Hirsch believes them, because he's a better a man than us. Being the fair and objective guy that I am, I've decided to work out if the truth really is out there, and if three of Hirsch's abductees are telling it.

Potential Abductee #1: Sasha

Sasha looks pretty sane, right? He's like a cross between Roy Hodgson and Jeremy Paxman, two reasonable and relatively sane men from the largely UFO-free British Isles. He's got an intellectual vibe going on. With his salt n' pepper hair and experienced jowls, he looks like an English Lit professor at Columbia who has a problem with his students falling in love with him. So maybe his alien story might have some truth to it? Let's see.

"I was lying breathing deep and fast to the powerful evocative music and there I was. My consciousness was in the middle of this huge, dome-like structure."

Not only does Sasha look like a Pulitzer winner, he writes like one too. I could get on board with this guy. OK, let's keep going…

"The inside of the structure was white and then there were coves in it that were big enough for people to sit in meditation and they were sitting cross legged. Some of them wore white robes. Some of them had long hair. They were all humanoid."

Well, this bit is a bit more L. Ron Hubbard than Hunter S Thompson, but let's bear with him…

"There were some I couldn't quite tell what they were. But I got the feeling they were a type of human. Some of them were huge. Some of them were small and they were all in their coves and it was all part of this huge dome and the atmosphere in this place was absolutely beautiful. It was golden light and the background was white, like it was whitewashed and it was a place of meditating on peace and love."

Hmm, this passage has me thinking that what poor Sasha experienced was an acid flashback, possibly from the days when he was riding the Magic Bus through Big Sur with Ken Kesey. His visions seem to have a peaceful aesthetic totally at odds with other abductees, more Fantasia than Alien vs Predator. But, he seems like he could be a sane guy. Let's take a look at his painting and give him a chance…

…maybe not.

Potential Abductee #2: Cynthia

Unlike Sasha, Cynthia's appearance suggests she's somebody who's a little more well versed in the world of the paranormal. You can imagine stumbling across her late at night in the outer reaches of digital TV, either on some kind of psychic hotline or guiding an ex-Radio 1 DJ around a supposedly haunted house in Essex. But hey, looks can be deceiving. Let's hear what she's got to say, Louis Theroux would.

"When I was in my thirties I found out from my father the truth about a government experiment that I was part of in which they were using other alien DNA to create me. I also have been on the ships most of my life, off and on. I've had lots of contacts. Most of my contacts began when I was a teenager although I had it when I was younger. I was being taken. I've been taken on ships quite a bit."

Cynthia, slow down a bit! What ships? The QE2? How long ago were you in your thirties? You need you to explain yourself carefully with a little bit of context. Not all of us have experienced these things.

"I've also been on various ships. Mother ships and transporter ships. I've got to meet numerous types of beings. I've met Salamander beings and I've met Greys, various different types of Greys. I've also met the Blue Arcturians which are incredible. They all have their own personalities and their own purposes. So I've met Blue Arcturians. I've met Andromedans, the Assyrian Warriors of Light. I've met the Sirius Nephrons. I've also met the Cat People that are from Sirius. I've met many. I've actually seen people that can shape shift from human looking to Reptilians."

Right, you had a good chance to convince the cynical masses of your cause but you fucked it up. What is this space jargon? We don't even know what a regular Arcturian is, let alone the difference between them and the blue ones.

It's easy to see the dark shadow of David Icke looming over this anecdote, but I guess we better see the picture…

A smorgasbord of cliches here, the Cantona collar, the fishbowl head, the desert setting. This is supposed to be a believable impression of an alien abduction, not a storyboard from a mid 90s Levi's advert.

Potential Abductee #3: Jeffrey

Let's face it, Jeffrey does look like a man who's been abducted by something that suddenly came out of the sky. In fact, it seems that they may have his body already, like when that creepy little thing takes over Vincent D'Onfrio in Men In Black. The T-shirt is a giveaway for starters. Come on mate, sort it out, at least make an attempt to convince us you're still one of us.

"It happened eleven years ago in St Louis, Missouri, at an exotic dancing bar in North County and I went in there to just have a few drinks and look at some strip you know girls dance around the pole." 

Jeff, I admire your honesty, but you've really undermined yourself here. Couldn't you have just said you were out fishing or something? Everybody's just gonna think you had your Bud spiked now.

"He knew things I was doing. He knew when my parents were gonna die and what they were gonna die of. Then he tells me he's here to abduct me. Replace 49 chips. And Dr. Lewinsky one of those hybrids, Grey hybrids was gonna do the operation."

Listen bro, maybe you were abducted by aliens, maybe you weren't, maybe you even are an alien, but I can promise you that Monica Lewinsky wasn't a doctor.

"It was a human hybrid. He looks like a black man but he had a strange voice that wasn't like black in origin. He sounded like a white man."

A black man who sounded like a white man? IDK, I think you're being a little optimistic here, Jeff, I'm not sure that qualifies someone as being an alien.

Actually, I saw the exact same thing when I was 12. Except it was on my friend James's bedroom wall and it said "Take Me To Your Dealer" underneath.

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