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Sex

I Lost My Girlfriend to the Other Woman in a Threesome

For me, being in a relationship with two women was complicated, dangerous, fascinating territory into which I'm not sure I should have ever wandered.
The author at the time.All pictures courtesy of the author.

I still Skype with "Bowie" from time to time. Seeing her still moves me, almost as much as it did that very first night we met. If I'm honest, I don't think we'll ever stop being interested in each other.

I first met her in a bar in Strasbourg, Germany, five years ago. It was my housemate Caroline's birthday. Our small group sat drinking pint after pint, when a dark figure came and stood right in front of us.

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At first, I wasn't sure if it was a man or a woman. But then she turned around and her green eyes hit me. She looked like David Bowie—tall, slim, bony. So that's what I called her.

We started talking, and it struck me how childish and broken her voice was. There was a fragility about her, which was quite at odds with her tall frame. We exchanged numbers and agreed to have a drink the following day. On my way home, I couldn't stop thinking about her.

The next night, she told me about her life. Her mom had been in a psychiatric hospital for a long time, and she didn't get along with her father. Thinking that there weren't many people she could count on, I immediately felt protective of her. Less than an hour later, we decided to go home together.

That first night in bed was like nothing I'd ever experienced. She was powerful and androgynous. At one point she held me by the neck and whispered, pretending to be a man. For the next few months we were inseparable.

It didn't take long for Bowie to confess that she wanted to sleep with a woman. I know plenty of people who fantasize about threesomes (64 percent of men and 31 percent of women in France, according to an IFOP survey), but it's never been the case for me. Still, I ended up suggesting Hermine—we used to sleep together in the past, and we're still great friends. I connected them with each other on Facebook, and they both seemed sufficiently into the idea.

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Sixty-four percent of men and 31 percent of women in France fantasize about threesomes, but it's never really been the case for me.

One night, I was lying in bed when Bowie called and suggested that I invite Hermine over. They both ended up at my place, but it was awkward and the two women barely touched each other.

It was not until a week later that I realized how much actually changed that night. The three of us were at Hermine's place, but the two of them were quiet. I fell asleep and woke up a few hours later to discover the two sleeping together, enlaced on the couch. The image was beautiful, but I felt jealous. I left to go to a family lunch the next day, and when I tried to get hold of Bowie later, she wouldn't reply.

She didn't get back to me for another four days, after which she called to tell me that she and Hermine were now a couple. They even moved in together. I had just lost my girlfriend and my best friend.

A few months later, I bumped into Hermine and Bowie in a lesbian bar in town. Hermine tried to say hi, but I ignored her. "Good night, cunts," I said when they passed by me on their way out. I couldn't believe what had come out of my mouth, and I vowed that would be the last time I acted that way.

The author with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's girlfriend

That was the day I dialed the number of my therapist for the first time in five years. I used to talk to her about problems with my family, but this time I was going to her with a very different set of issues. After a few weeks in therapy, I came to realize that my feelings toward Bowie were not love but fascination.

In time, the three of us managed to salvage our relationship. I went from being their lover to their confidant. Hermine, for example, would call me up to moan about having to share her apartment—she loved having a space of her own.

In June this year, we all went to my parents' country house for three days. We had an amazing time, and our relationship felt more lucid and truthful than ever. In many ways it felt like honesty had brought us closer together. Then, in July, Bowie left for a few days to go visit her ex in Brittany and never came back. Hermine was devastated, and even though I didn't tell her, I was, too.

Months have passed, and I have no regrets. Bowie and Hermine still talk occasionally, but it's a toxic roller coaster. Bringing multiple partners into your relationship will inevitably bring a concoction of emotions, which can veer from hatred to elation. For me, being in a relationship with two women was complicated, dangerous, fascinating territory into which I'm not sure I should have ever wandered.