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Down Goes Brown Grab Bag: the Olympics, that Colorado and Detroit Brawl, and Timid GMs

NHL players will probably not play in the Olympics. Or maybe they will. Who knows? That and more in this week's grab bag.
Scott Rovak-USA TODAY Sports

(Editor's note: Welcome to Sean McIndoe's weekly grab bag, where he writes on a variety of NHL topics. You can follow him on Twitter. Check out the Biscuits podcast with Sean and Dave Lozo as they discuss the events of the week.)

Three stars of comedy

The third star: This adorable child. It's been a while since we've had an adorable kid in this section, unless you count Johnny Gaudreau. So here's one performing an interpretation of the Lightning's late-season playoff run.

"Want some?… NOPE!" #COLvsCHI pic.twitter.com/Mv4v8fMoBa
— NHL (@NHL) March 20, 2017

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The second star: Brad Marchand's old-school chirps. No points for originality here, since this is one of the oldest bits in the book. But the classics are classics for a reason.

"I'll send a stick over after the game" pic.twitter.com/AtsRYRZWUC
— Brady Trettenero (@BradyTrett) March 21, 2017

The first star: This NCAA GIF. Technically, it's not the NHL. But really, it's everything. We are all this sad goalie.

This is one of the most amazing sports GIFs I've ever seen — Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn)March 20, 2017

The one star of existential dread

The first star: This Sidney Crosby GIF. Look, I don't claim to know everything about hockey, but I've been watching the sport my whole life. It's probably the thing I've done more than anything else in the world. And if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that it's not possible to go top shelf on a backhand with one hand.

You need to watch this Sidney Crosby goal over and over! How did he do that?! — NHL on NBC (@NHLonNBCSports)March 22, 2017

Bad news, folks. Sidney Crosby just proved that we're living in a simulation and this universe isn't real. We had a good run. Please check around you for your personal belongings before making your departure.

Debating the issues

This week's debate: Gary Bettman made news this week by telling fans to "assume we are not going" to the 2018 Olympics. Should fans be frustrated with the league's handling of this issue?

In favor: Yes they should. This story has been dragging on all year long. Fans love the Olympics, the players do, too, and it's great exposure for the league. The fact that they're leaning toward not going is yet another example of the NHL not understanding that they're in the entertainment business.

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Opposed: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to take part in this debate.

In favor: Wait, what?

Opposed: Yeah, I just don't like it. Sorry. I'm out.

In favor: Huh. Well, that's disappointing. So I guess we just move on to the next section.

Opposed: I've chosen not to participate.

In favor: Right, you said that.

Opposed: This is my choice and I've made it.

In favor: Sure, yes, we heard you the first time. OK, so moving on, this week's Obscure Player is…

Opposed: I won't do it.

In favor: Great, we get it. If you've decided you don't want to be here, why are we still talking about this?

Opposed: Because I'm almost certainly not going to be a part of this.

In favor: Right, you've said that already and… Wait, now it's an "almost" thing? Are you in or out?

Opposed: You should assume that I'm out.

In favor: [sigh] You know, if you're not going to participate, the least you could do is just say so. That way we could all move on.

Opposed: I am not going to participate…

In favor: Thank you.

Opposed: … unless I decide that I am going to participate.

In favor: Stop this! You're being ridiculous right now. If you're in, then great. But if not, at least have the decency to just make up your mind once and for all.

Opposed: There many factors for me to consider.

In favor: You know what? Don't bother. I don't think anyone even wants to read this section anymore. You've taken a good thing and successfully killed off any interest by making a big public show out of refusing to make up your mind. Congratulations. Fantastic work.

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Opposed:

In favor:

Opposed: Actually, this whole thing was just transparent grandstanding. I'm in, baby! Who's excited for some world-class debating action!

Empty room: [crickets chirping]

Opposed: Where did everyone go?

The final verdict: Be sure to come back in 2022 when we all act like you've forgotten that this whole debate ever happened.

Obscure former player of the week

This Sunday marks 20 years since one of the greatest moments in NHL history: that absolutely insane melee between the Red Wings and Avalanche that launched their rivalry into the "greatest ever" conversation.

To honor that anniversary, I thought it would be fun to choose an obscure player from that infamous line brawl. One problem: There really weren't any. That was one of the best parts of the Avs–Wings rivalry—so many of the key characters were also great players. When Patrick Roy fought Mike Vernon at center ice at Joe Louis Arena, five of the twelve players on the ice were future Hall-of-Famers, and four more were at least in the discussion. Not one was really obscure, unless you want to count Alexei Gusarov.

So instead, let's pick a player who missed out on the Roy/Vernon fun but still played a role in that game: Colorado enforcer Brent Severyn.

Severyn was a decent young defenseman who was picked 99th by the Nordiques in the 1984 draft, going two picks after one of the first-ever Obscure Players, Kari Takko. He spent two years in junior and two more in university before turning pro at 22, finally made his NHL debut during the 1989-90 season, and then didn't return to the league until 1993-94. He'd end up making his mark as a fighter and would go on to make the classic enforcer's journey around the league, playing for six teams over seven season, never lasting even two full seasons at any one stop.

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That tour included one year in Colorado, and you have to give him credit for the timing, because it came in 1996-97, the year the Red Wings rivalry exploded. Severyn had 23 fights that year, more than a third of his NHL total, but only two came against the Wings. Both were in that March 26, 1997, game: an early defensive struggle with Jamie Pushor, and later a one-sided pummeling of Aaron Ward (that saw Severyn wind up half naked, as was the custom of the time).

In all, Severyn lasted for 328 NHL games. Years ago, he wrote a piece for Sports Illustrated in which he described the toll the job took on him while defending the enforcer's place in the game. It's well worth a read.

Be It Resolved

We're getting close to the playoffs, which means it's the time of year when everyone comes up with the same idea: Hey, wouldn't it be cool if the league's top seeds got to pick their playoff opponents?

There are variations, but the basic idea is the same. Rather than relying on the standings to determine your playoff matchups, you let the good teams pick who they'll play. It would reward the best teams, while adding a fascinating strategic twist. They could pick a team that was entering the playoffs on a cold streak, or dealing with injury problems, or just plain not as good as their record.

In theory, it's a great idea, one that solves a few problems—unbalanced playoff formats, lack of incentive to finish as high as possible—in one shot. Package the whole thing into a draft-style show on the eve of the playoffs, and you'd have must-see TV.

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Would it be just about the best thing ever? Absolutely.

Would it work? No, not at all.

I'm obviously going to be on board with the concept. Nobody has spent more time hammering the NHL for forgetting that it's in the entertainment business, and I'm constantly throwing out strange ideas to make the league more fun.

But I'm also realistic enough to know exactly how this would go down. Imagine that Gary Bettman woke up tomorrow and remembered that he's actually supposed to do something beyond just nodding along when the owners tell him never to change anything. He implements this cool new system. What happens next?

I'll tell you what happens: A league full of timid, risk-averse GMs would suddenly find themselves in the spotlight, having to make a monumentally important decision about who their team would face in the playoffs.

How would they respond? They'd punt. Almost every one of them.

Remember, these guys are too scared to make trades. They won't do offer sheets. They don't want you to know about salaries or trade details or their precious expansion lists. They screwed up the standings by creating a loser point for no reason other than artificially inflating their records. Today's NHL GMs are just about the most frightened little field mice you'll find anywhere.

You really think that these guys are going to off the board by picking a playoff opponent other than the one the standings say they should have, knowing that if they lose, everyone will blame them? No chance.

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Here's what would happen instead. Stan Bowman would pick a team, because he's Stan Bowman and he cares about winning. Jim Rutherford, too. Maybe one or two other guys. But every other team in the league would immediately announce a new club policy: We will always choose the team that we would have played under the old system. They'd wash their hands of the whole thing before Bettman even finished his announcement.

You're nodding right now, because you know that would absolutely happen.

So be it resolved that we stop talking about this idea, as indisputably fun as it would be. We're just setting ourselves up for disappointment. Scaredy-cat NHL GMs have already ruined a lot of what used to be fun about this league. Let's not bother giving them something new to run and hide from.

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

So yeah, we're less than three weeks away from the start of the playoffs. Are you fired up? It's time to get fired up. Let's all get fired up.

  • This clip comes to us from sometime in the 1988 playoffs. Based on the reference to a Washington Game 7, it's safe to assume this is probably from sometime in the second round. Our host is Dave Hodge, and he's here to promise us some emotion. Bring it on, Dave.

  • Man, I can't wait. I wonder what they'll use as their musical choice. If it's all about playoff emotion, I'm guessing they go with death metal. I bet they show a bunch of fights during the guitar solo!

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  • Um…

  • OK, two things right off the bat. First of all, I think that opening shot was a stuffed animal being hung in effigy, which seems wrong. But second, what's with this music? I guess "existential sadness" is technically an emotion, but I'm not really getting a playoff vibe here.

  • Wait a second. Did… did the NHL playoffs die? Is this the In Memoriam tribute for the dearly departed postseason? Man, I didn't even send flowers.

  • Hey, it's our old pal Don Cherry. I miss the days when coaches would stand on the boards to argue with officials. We need to bring that back. New rule: You can challenge a goal because a player was a fraction of an inch offside and delay the game for 15 minutes for a review that's just going to be inconclusive anyway, but you have to balance-beam walk the entire length of the bench first.

  • Our first full highlight comes from 1985, when the Nordiques beat the Canadiens on a Game 7 overtime winner. Peter Stastny's goal isn't all that good, but stick around for backup goalie Dan Bouchard's leap off of the bench. Every goaltender in today's NHL blows out their ACL trying that move, because today's players are soft.

  • Our next hero is Minnesota's Steve Payne, who knocks out the Blues in 1984. You know, if you have to lose in Game 7 overtime, having it come at the hands of a guy named "Payne" is maybe a little too on-the-nose.

  • Next up is Mike Crombeen beating the Penguins, which actually happened in 1981 and not 1982 like our video tries to tell us. That's kind of sloppy, but in fairness, after a full minute of listening to this music the fact-checker had already hung himself next to the Rangers stuffie.

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  • We jump back to 1974 for our next highlight, which features Rick MacLeish tipping Andre Dupont's point shot past an adorable child dressed up like an NHL goaltender. That's followed by the Oilers' clincher in 1984, because every three-minute highlight video needs a few empty netters.

  • Next come two weird ones, starting with the 1975 "fog game" between the Sabres and the Flyers, which also featured Jim Lorentz killing a bat. The dead bat does not get a close-up in this video, because that would have been too upbeat. Then it's on to Roger Nielson waving the white flag in 1982, an incident we broke down in detail a few years ago and which will never stop being funny.

  • We get a clip of a puck shattering the glass, which you instinctively rewind and replay 50 times out of NHL '94 force of habit.

  • Next comes a stretch where we sort of lose the "emotional moments" thread and shift over to "literally any moment." There's a player skating. There's a guy bleeding. There's Wayne Gretzky having a midgame nap. Then it's Jay Miller's ill-fated attempt to kick over a trash can, which shows up in both this video and the previous season's "Heartache" montage from CBC. Does having your most embarrassing moment repeatedly set to overwrought music make it better or worse? I'm going to go with worse.

  • We get a few more classic 70s clips, including Kate Smith and Bobby Orr, followed by a moment that really does deserve the depressing music treatment: the Capitals losing a Game 7 in quadruple overtime in 1987. Fun fact: Bob Mason is still kneeling sadly in the Washington crease to this day. It's what makes Braden Holtby so hard to score on.

  • Next up comes a few handshake lines, because hockey people can't get enough of handshake lines. Was it just me who got a little too caught up in the music and blurted out "Just kiss each other already!" It was? OK, forget I mentioned that.

  • One shot of Gretzky with the Stanley Cup later, and we're done. Hodge manages to close out the segment without throwing a pen at anyone, largely because he can no longer summon the will to live.

  • RIP, hockey playoffs.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.