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Tech by VICE

Consumer Electronics Man Explains the Secret to Life 2.0

Your guide to the heart of the cutting edge.

by Consumer Electronics Man
Jun 4 2014, 6:25pm
Image: Shutterstock

We live in a hyperlinked, interconnected age of fast-multiplying possibilities, but even faster-multiplying demands. How can we manage our careers, relationships, and hobbies on a planet that's constantly being remade by technology? The Consumer Electronics Man is here to help. 

First, a little about me: I live on and for the cutting edge. I own and operate at least seven different devices, often simultaneously. I am constantly upgrading. I have an active presence on nine different social media platforms, and between them, I have over 60 years of power-user experience. I integrate platforms seamlessly, ruthlessly, and without regret. I was on digg before it was Digg, and left before it was Dugg. I've never touched a shovel. 

I haven't had to. My life-hacks do the shoveling for me, so to speak. Anyway, these days, I outsource my gardening needs on It's like Uber for farming: A new sharing economy platform that harnesses the power of the crowd to link seasoned farm workers to 'farmsteaders' who have a little extra cash and some spare soil in their backyard, but not enough time to till it—the app features a built-in 'farmer's market', where anyone can bid on farm jobs. Because it's completely unregulated and disruptive (we take bitcoin), it's poised to drive down prices and make cheaper, localized produce available to all, or at least to the farmsteaders—so everyone wins. It's still in beta, but I got about 20 crates of grade-A tomatoes for something like $10 this season. I digress. 

I'm here to help you navigate the technological jungles of the modern day, to make sure nobody takes a byte out of your hard-earned bits. Think of me as the early adopter you wish you'd adopted earlier. Like before you bought that garbage iPhone 4 for the full price right before the 5S came out, and didn't bother to get a case, and then you dropped it in a parking lot like three days later, and now there's that spider web crack right over the display, but it still sort of works, and you're not sure if you want to shell out for a new one because you're still on the family plan and that would mean telling your dad you already busted the third phone in a row, and you'll have to drive out to Long Island to have dinner with him to make up for it.

That has never happened to me. And it never will again: A Tough XTreme case attached to the latest iHolster belt clip is an absolute must. I never leave home without them. 

But my expertise isn't limited to hardware; I'm a big picture kind of guy, an old school hacker with new ideas; a bona fide disruptor. I was wearing black turtlenecks and smoothing interfaces while Steve Jobs was still a hippie looking for God on acid. I've done acid too, but just to unleash my inner innovator. It was there, gazing into the colliding rainbow shapes of Windows Media Player, that I saw the blurred outlines of my first billion-dollar idea: A digital library filled with faces—faces of your friends, your parents, your ex-girlfriend, all there on your computer screen, staring back at you, telling you to call once in a while, or to stop calling, or to get out of the house more, it'd be good for you. 

I knew I had a blockbuster—just the faces, no audio, that was key. Maybe an instant message feature. Sure enough, just one year later, well: My particular legal challenge to the Zuckerberg empire may not have been featured in The Social Network, but I assure you, while technically not exactly pending, it still ranks among the most the most substantive to have been formally dismissed. Anyways, I'm younger and hungrier than Zuckerberg, and youth and ambition is all that plays in Silicon Valley now.

That's why I'm perfectly positioned to answer all of your most pressing technological questions. Which social media profiles will best compliment your personality and maximize your social satisfaction? Should you move all your data onto the cloud? Which app will make you the most efficient worker bee in the office? Which device is easy enough to use for a novice, but still capable of embodying your complex attitudes toward the world? 

These are tough questions, all of which require deep, expert consideration and a futurist's eye for the future, and the answers are MySpace, Evernote, yes, and the Galaxy Nexus HSPA

This is just a taste of what I can do. Don't let the clunky, ruptive (that's Valley for non-disruptive) name fool you, either. Consumer Electronics Man is SEO gold. And mark my words, I plan on riding this wave until the New York Times is paying me six figures to review new Instagram features, or takes off (we're currently seeding an angel round for qualified VCs, so DM me on Twitter). Or Wood.en, or; plenty of irons in this fire. So think of me as your authority on all things technology—I'm at your service. I've got the secrets to life 2.0 right here in my password-protected hard drive. Let's open Pandora's Dropbox together. 

Send your questions to Gmail is still the best email provider, at least in terms of product service integration, if not storage, as Google's maintenance team claims the email record detailing patent applications for was either permanently deleted or never existed.