Identity

A Sex Worker Explains How to Be More Confident in Bed

"Don't be afraid of appearing selfish and don't stifle your sounds."

by Lydia Faithfull
Sep 5 2016, 1:21pm

Image by Peyton Weikert via Stocksy

Lydia Faithfull is a full-time sex worker at the Love Ranch brothel in Nevada. She specializes in domination, humiliation, and good conversation. She refuses to kiss for money.

Dear Lydia,

I want to start using dirty talk in the bedroom, but I don't know how. I find it really hot, but when I hear myself say anything remotely "dirty" it just sounds so ridiculous coming out of my mouth, and I crack up laughing. Do you have a primer for how to start? And is there anything you should just never say?

Women tend to overthink raunch. It needn't be profound. The goal is to offer your partner encouragement and express enthusiasm. First get comfortable communicating verbally and the rest will follow suit. Begin with safe territory like, "It turns me on when you..." or "Does it feel good when I...?" or "It would be so hot if you did _______ right now."

By all means, tell your partner when you're enjoying yourself. If something feels incredible and you don't want them to stop, absolutely say so. It's a wonderful compliment and also offers opportunity for some tease and denial (if you lean toward kink).

I think men blow it when they urge women to cum or squirt. Many women can do so on command, but that's asking a hell of a lot. It would be like someone instructing their dicks to stay hard. Biology simply does not function that way. Dirty talk should be carefree and at no time used to manipulate or add pressure.

Read more: A Sex Worker Explains How She Separates Her Work from Her Sex Life

If you sense your partner is struggling to reciprocate, try asking questions that can be answered with a yes or no. Or give them time to reflect by asking rhetorical questions that could be answered with a moan.

We all fear rejection and sex without repression can make us feel vulnerable. Occasionally, dirty talk will lead to stepping upon an emotional land mine, tapping into insecurities. For example, your partner may believe they're complimenting you by commenting on something you find sensitive. When that happens, try to be kind and patient, even if you're momentarily butt hurt that they referred to your "wide hips." These are teachable moments which could potentially bring you and your lover closer together.

Dear Lydia,

I'm a nervous person, generally, and sex in particular makes me very nervous. I also just feel like I'm doing it wrong—even when it feels good. Do you have any tips for helping me to boost my confidence? I'm really hoping I'm not all that bad in bed, but even if I am, I want to trick my mind into thinking I am a fucking sex warrior goddess. Where the hell do I start?

Darling, the only way to fuck wrong is to deny yourself pleasure and prioritize your partner's needs above your own. As a teenager, I had selfless sex for years before this revelation struck. My sole focus back then was putting on a memorable performance and cultivating the reputation of an exciting lay. By obsessing over the needs of my partners, I had objectified myself. Essentially serving the role of masturbation tool who appeared to want for nothing. I was a giver, a fool.

Society has groomed us to become passive lays.

Historically, teenage boys are handed a condom, given a slap on the back, and told to have fun. Young women are lectured not to become pregnant. The female orgasm rarely enters into discussion of sex amongst young people. Society has groomed us to become passive lays.

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So fake your confidence until you make it and do everything with intent. Be brave. Use eye contact during oral sex. Be an active participant by touching your own body. Rage against our docile conditioning and cater to your needs. If you want your lover to eat your ass, hold it open and explain exactly how you'd like it. Don't be afraid of appearing selfish and don't stifle your sounds. You need not fuck in silence.

I try to mentally detach from my partner and concentrate on the physical sensations my body is experiencing. A lot of plates need to be spinning at once for me to get off, but first and foremost, I must block those monkey wrench thoughts that flood the mind while approaching relaxation. Making that my single focus prevents me from considering anything else. Confidence will come when you do.