What's Gone On This Week: A Glimmer of Hope for Humanity Arrives Via the Rescue of a Fat Rat

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

AS I WALKED INTO TOWN EARLIER THIS WEEK IN SWELTERING HEAT, I FELT MYSELF GETTING DRAWN TO THE DISTANT SOUND OF MUSIC. LIKE A CHILD OF HAMELIN, I FOLLOWED IT TO THE PARK BUT INSTEAD OF SOME PIED JESTER CUNT PLAYING WOODWIND, IT WAS THE UNMISTAKABLE SOUND OF GABBER BLARING FROM A SPEAKER RESTING ON THE SHOULDER OF SOME ROIDED, TOPLESS MAN. AS I HAD MY CALIPPO IN THE SUN, I BEGAN TO FRET SLIGHTLY AS I REALISED THE ONLY WARMTH I USUALLY FEEL ON MY SKIN IN THE WINTER IS THE ARTIFICIAL GLOW OF AN INFRARED HEATER IN A PUB SMOKING AREA AS I DEEPLY INHALE CIGARETTES TO FEEL A SEMBLANCE OF INTERNAL HEAT.

I HAD A VISION OF THE WORLD TURNING INTO A HOTBOX OF OUR OWN FARTS THAT WILL BE UNDENIABLY IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE A FEW DECADES TIME WHEN A BOTTLE OF HIGHLAND SPRING WILL CHANGE HANDS FOR A MING DYNASTY VASE.

FAKE SUMMER, BOGUS JUNE, PONZI SPAIN OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT ARRIVED IN THE UK THIS WEEK AS WE HIT A RECORD TEMPERATURE FOR FEBRUARY. IN KEW GARDENS, LONDON IT PEAKED AT AN INCREDIBLE 21.2 DEGREES. A STUDY THIS WEEK STATED THERE’S A “99.9999 PERCENT CHANCE” THAT HUMANS ARE THE CAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING, SO I’M GLAD WE’RE STILL GIVING THE MILLION-TO-ONE CHANCE WE AREN’T A LOT OF CREDENCE. WHO DOESN’T LOVE AN UNDERDOG?

FEBRUARY WAS SO DRY THAT WE EVEN WITNESSED THE STRANGE SPECTACLE OF LARGE WINTER WILDFIRES IN THE UK. TWO BROKE OUT IN ASHDOWN FOREST IN EAST SUSSEX, THE WOODLAND MADE FAMOUS BY WINNIE THE POOH AND THE REST OF FUCK AROUND CLAN.

IN GLYNDYFRDWY, NORTH WALES, A MAN HAD TO BE RESCUED FROM HIS TRACTOR WHEN IT WAS CUT OFF BY THE FLAMES OF A HILLSIDE GORSE FIRE. WELSH FARMER, RHYS HUGHES RAISED HIS CONCERNS ABOUT THE SITUATION AND SAID HE HAD “NEVER KNOWN FEBRUARY THIS DRY”.

THE GOVERNMENT’S MODUS OPERANDI OF “I’LL DO IT LATER, FUCK SAKE” WHEN IT COMES TO CHANGING FROM FOSSIL FUELS TO GREEN ENERGY LIKE IT’S THE HUMDRUM CHORE OF FOLDING YOUR WASHING IS NEGLIGENT AT BEST. FOR DECADES SCIENTISTS ISSUED WARNINGS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE AND IT’S BASICALLY BEEN MET LIKE A 17TH CENTURY ROMAN CATHOLIC INQUISITION ASSESSMENT OF GALILEO TO THE POINT WHERE WE’VE HAD TO WITNESS THINGS LIKE THE UNPRECEDENTED GLOBAL HEATWAVES OF LAST SUMMER AND THE EVENTS OF THIS WEEK FOR US TO START GOING “FAIR PLAY”. WHAT A BUNCH OF STUPID CUNTS WE ARE.

A VIDEO EMERGED ONLINE THIS WEEK THAT SHOWED A TRULY REPREHENSIBLE MOMENT WHEN A SOUTHERN RAIL WORKER THREW DIRTY MOP BUCKET WATER OVER A HOMELESS MAN AS HE LAY ON THE FLOOR OUTSIDE SUTTON TRAIN STATION. SEEING A DESTITUTE MAN BEING COVERED IN BLEACHED WATER AS HE BEGS THEM TO STOP WAS BOTH GUT-WRENCHING AND DISTURBING AND FEELS LIKE AN UNWELCOME RETURN TO VICTORIAN LONDON’S TREATMENT OF THE DERELICT THAT WOULD MAKE MR BUMBLE GET A LOB ON.

A BYSTANDER WHO WHO RECORDED THE INCIDENT SAID “I DIDN’T START FILMING UNTIL THEY HAD ALREADY WHACKED HIM WITH THE MOP AND PUT EVEN MORE WATER ON HIM”, ELABORATING THAT THE WORKERS TOLD HER THE MAN WAS CAUSING PROBLEMS BEFORE THEY DOUSED HIM AND HIS POSSESSIONS. SHE SLAMMED THEIR EXCUSES AND SAID IN THE VIDEO THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED THE POLICE IF HE WAS CAUSING ANY PROBLEMS: “TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT. REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE'S DONE, YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT A HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT".

HOWEVER, OUR FAMOUSLY RANCID BRITISH NEWSPAPERS FELT THE NEED TO PORTRAY THIS HATEFUL AND CLASSIST ACT OF THROWING SQUALID WATER OVER A HOMELESS MAN AS SOME FORM OF “SOCIAL JUSTICE” BY DIGGING INTO THE PERSON’S PAST. THE S*N DISCOVERED THE MAN WAS FOUND GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER IN 2000 AND AFTER SERVING FIVE YEARS WAS RELEASED AND HAS BEEN LIVING ON THE STREETS SINCE. THEY EVEN MANAGED TO FIND A MOTHER TO DEFEND THE ACTIONS OF THE SOUTHERN RAIL STAFF, STATING THE HOMELESS MAN HAD BEEN ABUSIVE TO HER AND HER FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON IN THE HOURS BEFORE THE INCIDENT.

OF COURSE, THIS WAS SOLELY INTENDED TO INVALIDATE THE MAN’S HUMANITY AND VILIFY THE HOMELESS FURTHER BY CONTINUING THE NARRATIVE THAT YOU HAVE TO BE A BAD PERSON TO BE MADE HOMELESS AND NOT SAY, ONE PAYCHEQUE AWAY FROM LOSING YOUR HOME LIKE ONE-IN-THREE WORKING FAMILIES IN ENGLAND, ACCORDING TO HOMELESS CHARITY SHELTER.

CONFUSED, COLD, PUNITIVE BRITAIN STRIKES AGAIN.

A MULTI-AGENCY RESCUE OPERATION COMMENCED IN THE GERMAN TOWN OF BENSHEIM ON SUNDAY WHEN A CHUNKY RAT BECAME STUCK AFTER SHE TRIED TO SQUEEZE THROUGH THE BOLTHOLE OF A SEWER COVER. PHOTOS SHOWING THE HELPLESS ANIMAL WENT VIRAL AFTER A LITTLE GIRL FOUND IT TRAPPED.

LOCAL PROFESSIONAL ANIMAL RESCUER MICHAEL SEHR SOON CAME TO THE SCENE BUT COULD NOT FREE THE ROTUND RODENT FROM THE TOP OF THE MANHOLE COVER, AS SHE WAS STILL PLUMP WITH “WINTERSPECK” – WHICH LITERALLY TRANSLATES AS “WINTER BACON” AND IT “GOT STUCK ON HER HIPS – NOTHING WAS GOING FORWARD AND NOTHING BACK."

THE LOCAL FIRE DEPARTMENT SOON RECEIVED A CALL WITH THE CODE "ANIMAL RESCUE, SMALL ANIMAL" AND VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTERS WERE QUICKLY ON THE SCENE. WITH THE HELP OF A FULL TEAM OF FIREFIGHTERS, THE COVER WAS SOON LIFTED AND PROPPED ON WEDGES WHILE THE ANIMAL RESCUER MICHAEL MANAGED TO POP THE RAT OUT.

“THE OPERATION WAS COMPLETED AFTER A GOOD 25 MINUTES” SAID THE AUERBACH FIRE DEPARTMENT AND THE RELIEVED RODENT WAS PROMPTLY RELEASED BACK INTO THE SEWER TO ONCE AGAIN FEAST ON WHATEVER FATBERG OF ARSE WIPES AND FANNY PADS LURKED BENEATH THE STREETS.

THE FAIRLY LARGE RESCUE MISSION PROMPTED SOME PEOPLE TO QUESTION WHY ALL THE EFFORT WAS SPENT ON SAVING A SEWER RAT THAT PEOPLE USUALLY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO KILL. RESPONDING AS TO WHY SUCH AN OPERATION HAPPENED, RESCUER MICHAEL SEHR WAS UNEQUIVOCAL "EVEN ANIMALS THAT ARE HATED BY MANY DESERVE RESPECT". THERE’S ALSO PROBABLY A GERMAN WORD FOR A PERSON WHO DOESN’T SHOW COMPASSION TO AN ANIMAL IN DISTRESS, BUT I JUST CALL THEM “TORY CUNT”.

ALL I CAN SAY IS POOR FUCKING RATS. FIRSTLY WE TURN THEIR GOOD NAME INTO AN INSULT FOR SOMEONE DISLOYAL AND UNTRUSTWORTHY, AND THEN WE DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THEM BECAUSE WE BLAMED THEM FOR THE PLAGUE THAT RESULTED IN THE GRIZZLY DEATH OF TENS OF MILLIONS WHEN WE USUALLY BUILD MONUMENTS AND PUT RACISTS ON OUR BANK NOTES FOR THAT. NEW SEARCH EVEN INDICATES THE BLACK DEATH WASN’T EVEN CAUSED BY RATS AND WAS IT DOWN TO US DAFT CUNTS SPREADING IT VIA HUMAN FLEAS AND BODY LICE.

IN THE END, RODENT HERO MICHAEL SEHR DIDN’T CHARGE FOR HIS SERVICES BUT HE DID RECEIVE PAYMENT IN A FORM OF A GIFT: A HAND-DRAWN PICTURE OF THE RAT, SURROUNDED BY HEARTS, FROM THE LITTLE GIRL WHO FIRST NOTICED THE SQUEAKING RODENT. MAYBE THE WORLD ISN’T DOOMED AFTER ALL.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO