Forecasters: Winter Will Be Cold

A groundbreaking prediction.

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Aug 29 2018, 4:07pm

Screengrab from The Shining via YouTube

A crack team of forecasters has been hard at work trying to predict what kind of weather we’re in for this winter, and on Wednesday, they finally unveiled their groundbreaking, revelatory conclusion: It’s going to be cold.

Using what it calls an "amazingly-accurate long-range forecast" based on a "mathematical and astronomical formula developed in 1818," the Farmer's Almanac predicted what we all knew already—that winter is, in fact, not warm—and took it one step further, estimating that this year, the season will be "colder than normal," or in more scientific terms, "teeth-chattering." It's guessing that, along with "blustery and bitter winds" (standard for any winter) and "a sharp drop in temperature" around February, we're going to get winter storms that last past the official start of spring. Oh, and we're in for "lots of snow!" Wonderful.

So there you have it: What's been the coldest season of the year literally forever will, once again, be cold. Still, if the Farmer's Almanac is right about this winter being unusually long and brutal, it could be yet another indication that we're seeing more extreme weather thanks to climate change: Scientists have linked periods with increasingly abnormal cold winters, heat waves, record rainfalls, and wildfires to global warming. It's one explanation for why last winter was so fucking cold, frigid enough to trigger a "bomb cyclone," make sharks freeze to death, and trap a few gators in ice.

But regardless of just how accurate the Farmer's Almanac might be about this winter, its forecast is a good reminder that, with summer almost over, we'd do well to stop whining about how hot it is, and soak up the sun while we still can. Or, in the immortal words of Ice T:

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