This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
Did you know Mark Wahlberg has some new films out? Yeah, 22 Mile, where Mark Wahlberg plays a rugged action hero, and Instant Family, where Mark Wahlberg plays a rugged action hero somehow stuck in a heartwarming family comedy. You probably were aware of these films coming out, mainly because, like me, you’ve recently become obsessed with Mark Wahlberg, and how he lives his life.
You must have seen Mark Wahlberg's daily routine, which he posted on Instagram last week and did a great job of placing Marky Mark (formerly of The Funky Bunch) firmly in everyone’s minds. Was it a clever marketing trick designed to install a large, unscratchable Mark Wahlberg-shaped itch in everyone’s mind? Not for me to say but upon seeing his daily routine, I instantly had a large, unscratchable Mark Wahlberg-shaped itch in my mind.
Why the fuck is he waking up at 2:30 AM? Why does he snack so much? How come he spends an hour and a half in the shower? These are questions I couldn’t answer unless I did the very obvious thing of becoming Mark Wahlberg for the day, and attempting to live his daily routine. It’s journalism you idiot, look it up!
2:30 AM – Wake Up
Jesus christ it’s 2:30 AM in the morning, what the fuck is going on? No amount of fame and money should make you do shit like this. What the fuck, Mark.
2:45 AM – Prayer Time
OK, I’m awake, I’m awake. Now for the main event: I need to become Mark. And the only way to do that is to pray to the Wahlberg gods that they might let me enter into his body for one day and truly know what it is to be the 47-year-old Oscar-nominated actor—best known for his role in Boogie Nights, although personally, I thought he was better in The Departed—and use the wig of Wahlberg as a conduit through which his tough yet lovable Boston-raised demeanor can flow through me. So I prayed to this wig, and I prayed.
3:15 AM – Breakfast
And ladies and gentlemen my prayers were answered, and I was given the gift of Wahlberg. And what better way to celebrate that precious gift than with a bowl of cereal at 3:15 AM in the morning. This is what success tastes like. I can feel the A-listery slipping down my gullet and into the Hollywood of my stomach lining. Or something.
3:40 to 5:15 AM – Workout #1
It’s still dark outside, but that won’t stop me—Boston-raised Mark Robert Michael Wahlberg, who over the course of a 24-year acting career has remained reMARKably consistent in releasing 47 films, which is almost an average of two films a year—from getting in my first workout of the day, a simple pumping of the iron to get my tradeMARK biceps looking swole.
5:30 AM – Post Workout Meal
Ah yes, a simple protein shake, just the thing for me, the former lead singer of rap group Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch, who topped the Billboard charts with the hit single "Good Vibrations" in 1991. Down the hatch, you punk bitch.
6 AM – Shower
Now I bet you’re wondering: How long does it take to clean a 5’8” actor, producer, and model? Well, you don’t get to make an average of $10 million a film by being unclean. That’s just not how it works, success requires cleanliness. And so I clean my muscular and average height frame for an hour and a half. And sure I brush up on some reading while I’m at it, you punk bitch.
7:30 AM – Golf
Golf for me, Mark, is one of the most important times of the day, even though I only dedicate half an hour to it, which to some people might seem like an awkward and strange thing to pack into what is already an overflowing and nonsensical schedule. But some people didn’t make $17 million for starring in Transformers: Age of Extinction, did they? No, they didn’t. It’s 7:30 in the morning and I am playing golf.
8 AM – Snack
I’ve got no time to talk or respond to messages, only to snack. I’m Mark Wahlberg for chrissakes.
9:30 AM – Cryo Chamber Recovery
Hey, it’s me, twice Oscar-nominated actor Mark Wahlberg, who, when you think about it, is more than just an action hero actually because if you look at my career I’ve shown a remarkable acting range. In fact, one of my most successful films was the buddy comedy box office smash Ted, which I think really showcased my ability for humor as well as the more serious stuff I’m renowned for. Anyway, I’m reversing the aging process, motherfucker.
10:30 AM – Snack
Is this too many snacks in a day? Not for me, the executive producer of the wildly popular semi-autobiographical television series Entourage, based loosely around my own dealings with the fakeness and bullshit of Hollywood!
11 AM – Family Time/Meetings/Work Calls
Now to relax, and brush up on some quality time with my family. But as I have no family on hand, as I’m currently stuck inside the body of some guy in England, I, Mark Wahlberg, will just make do by catching up with my pals on Twitter. Thank God for the motherfuckin’ internet.
1 PM – Lunch
Who else in the world can you imagine would have eaten four times before 2 PM? That’s right, it’s me, the guy who once said of the 9/11 attacks that "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did” adding that, "There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin,” which is really awesome when you think about it.
2 PM – Meeting/Work Calls
Busy, busy, busy, that’s what I—the man who once released a fitness video called Form... Focus... Fitness, the Marky Mark Workout to critical and public acclaim—has to be every moment and every waking hour to stay ahead of the pack.
3 PM – Pick Up Kids @ School
What the fuck! What the hell! My four kids that I’ve lovingly raised with model Rhea Durham, who I married in 2001, they’re nowhere to be found! Oh wait, I remember now, I’m still in the body of this punk bitch doing a bit in England. Don’t worry Mark, there’s more snacks soon.
3:30 PM – Snack
Man, am I really enjoying all of these snacks! Almost as much as I enjoy being a committed Roman Catholic. In fact, Mark Wahlberg, me, enjoys being a devout Roman Catholic so much that I once sought forgiveness from God for my role in the critically acclaimed Boogie Nights, and apologized to the Pope for my language used in the box office smash Ted! Fuckin’ A!
4 PM – Workout #2
If you’ve seen one of the most moving and yet action-packed films of all time, The Fighter, in which I produced and starred in as the lead role, you’ll know that I’m a big fan of the sweet science of boxing. So because I’m one tough cookie, one hard nut to crack, one motherfucker you don’t wanna mess with, I still punch things every day.
5 PM – Shower
You don’t manage to co-own your own burger restaurant, Wahlburgers, with your two brothers Donnie and Paul, without adhering to the age-old motto: Cleanliness is Godliness.
5:30 PM – Dinner/Family Time
Yeah, motherfucker, that’s right: some good old-fashioned DINNER/FAMILY TIME, the Wahlberg way. And I was super pumped to catch up with my family, but unfortunately, they’re still back in my 6.14 acre, $10 million, 18 bathroomed mansion in Beverly Hills, and so I just kind of did nothing for an hour and a half.
7:30 PM – Bedtime
Wow, what a day. Or not really, because this is just any other day for me, Mark Wahlberg. But either way, I had a blast! An everyday blast that is my life, the life of the former bad boy now leading actor Mark Wahlberg.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow Tom Usher on Twitter.