Five Questions About… the Couple Who Fucked In a Domino’s

"Heyyyy what's up Manisha, it's Scott from Pizza Pizza."

The year was 2013 and I was hungover. I remember waking up to that text and thinking, who the fuck is Scott from Pizza Pizza, when, slowly, snippets of the night before began to dawn on me. I had indeed gone to Pizza Pizza—a mediocre but ubiquitous Ontario pizza chain—at around 2 AM, and worse, I had made out with the complete stranger standing in line next to me.

While I was texting with Scott, who seemed to have a much better grasp of what went down than I did, he said, "We were like celebrities in there eh?" Though things didn't work out between us, he told me, "We'll always have Pizza Pizza."

I tell this story because, in a way, I can relate to the two Brits who were caught by CCTV cameras fucking in a Domino's pizza joint in Scarborough, England in February 2016. The couple, Daniella Hirst, 29, and Craig Smith, 31 were found guilty of "outraging public decency" Thursday and are now potentially facing jail time.

According to the Daily Mail, the court proceedings only lasted a half hour, the bulk of which was taken up by the 18-minute video, which shows Smith mock humping a yellow janitorial cone before Hirst gives him a blowjob and they hump while pressed up against the front counter at Domino's. All the while, staff appear to be taking orders, including the couple's own.

While Hirst was reportedly covering her eyes as the tape played out in court, her boyfriend wasn't even there; he was in jail on charges for a pub brawl that took place in 2015. She told reporters, "I'm very opened-minded about sex and public places" but that she didn't quite anticipate the video—which was posted to Twitter by a disgruntled Domino's employee—to go viral.

Naturally, we have some questions:

According to media reports, the couple was celebrating Smith's 30th birthday with a weekend bender that culminated in the dicking down at Domino's, so we have to wonder, was this all part of the grand plan? Turning 30 does make you a little panicky and desperate to act with the reckless abandon of someone 10 years your junior. Maybe Smith wanted to recapture what was left of his youth by having his girlfriend go down on him while he waited on his pie. Or maybe Hirst wanted to surprise him with this gift, a gift that could now land him (more) jail time. Did it work? Did you feel better afterwards? Perhaps next time you should consider just doing cocaine like everyone else, bruh.

Look, I may be Canadian, but I've spent enough time in the UK to get a good idea on the late night options—they aren't great. So I can almost understand how you ended up at the Domino's. But was it your first choice? Did you hit up a couple chippies before ruling them out? Was the rubbish bin behind the McDonald's already taken—deep-fried oil residue would surely make for a decent lube. Or did you walk out of the club and put 'Domino's' into Google Maps and head to the nearest one.

We know that according to media reports, you ordered a 12-inch pepperoni, stuffed crust. Did the words "stuffed crust" awaken something in you that you couldn't deny, a little tinkle in the ole' bootcut jeans? All I can say is, if you ordered post-fucking, that's a rookie mistake. You know the ol' Canadian saying, "If you can't have a smoke right after a fuck, buddy, a slice is the next best thing."

Here's the definitive ranking of Domino's dipping sauces, by how dirty they are: Ranch, Alfredo Pasta Sauce, Marinara Pasta Sauce, BBQ, Pizza sauce.

You totally got ranch, didn't you, ya trashy fucks.

Now, due to the evidence seen in court we know you were in several positions, including doggy and girl on top/counter. This means your field of vision included both the front of the joint and those in the kitchen preparing the product. So, did you let your eyes wander? Did you catch a glimpse of the Domino's cashier, as he thought: This isn't worth seven quid. (Editor's note: we don't know what that means.) How about the guy who was literally making your pizza behind the counter—did you match up your rhythm with his as he pounded that dough. What about those passing by? Did they longingly look into the Domino's and feel an intense jealousy for your public display of affection as they wiped the chip stain's grease off their Scarborough FC jersey?

"Outraging public decency" is an excellently named criminal act. Hear, hear.

Follow Manisha on Twitter.