100 Incredibly Serious Ideas to Save Justin Trudeau

Look. Getting re-elected was never going to be entirely easy for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, even when the competition is Andrew Scheer and Jagmeet Singh, who just earned his seat in the House last week. But it’s proven to be a long winter for JT, with two of his highest-profile female cabinet ministers resigning, and calling him out for his integrity to boot!

Now this SNC-Lavalin story has proven to be a real pain in the ole butt for Trudeau, as no one seems to be paying attention to his plans to put Canada on the moon (Maple Space Force?) or solve climate change once and for all. (First bit of advice, the biggest newspaper chain in the country is not going to be tricked into reporting on climate change, Mr. Prime Minister.)

The bar for re-election was always going to be a bit tougher than “I am not Donald Trump” but it appears that Trudeau needs some help convincing the media to move on from SNC-Lavalin. So, here are 100 ideas for Trudeau to pivot away from Yet Another Liberal Scandal Involving Quebec and Responding by Acting Like Toronto Private School Snobs towards something more re-electable.*

Reply to all of Donald Trump’s tweets with responses beginning with “sir.”

Go on Joe Rogan (or Hot Ones if he doesn’t make the cut)

Two words: Vegan tax

Two different words: Meat tax

Do the Momo Challenge

Get really good at Fortnite

Go for 2,000 more shirtless jogs

Go for a long walk in the snow with a really cute puppy

A really confusing tax plan that only benefits parents in two-income homes

Do something, anything, about affordable housing

Introduce the media bailout plan…but say it’s only going through after re-election

Pivot to video

Leak a sex tape

Ask yourself, “What would Stephen Harper do?”

End every speech with “….reality bites, man.”

Start building that pipeline yourself

Or: Admit you can build a pipeline or meet climate change goals, but probably not both

Redesign 2019 voting ballot to Do you have a crush on me? ☐ Yes ☐ No

Have a very public “wardrobe malfunction”

Go on WTF with Marc Maron, tell him about your guys

Justin and Sophie cosplay as Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton and every time he gives a presser he says, “I got a little something for ya,” and the two of them launch into “Islands in the Stream”

Justin and Sophie cosplay as Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga and every time he gives a presser she runs on the stage and says “tell me something boy,” and the two of them launch into a very sensual duet

Cosplay as Snow and perform “Informer” at the debates

Free tuition

Pivot to Baby Boomers

Get divorced to become more relatable to baby boomers

Join a Facebook hate group to become more relatable to baby boomers

Become a Q-Anon guy to become more relatable to baby boomers

Actually do something to address the opioid crisis

Promise to break up the milk cartel

Write a compelling 1,000-word essay for the Globe and Mail about how Schitt’s Creek is very quality family entertainment

Start rival media company NICE

Learn to make trap beats

100 percent female cabinet. “Because it’s 2019”

Legally change your name to JT-Money

Start a tag-team with The Rock

Sheepishly bring 338-pack of Timbits into next House of Commons debate

Start every speech with “My good friend Barack Obama says…”

Make Kawhi Leonard re-sign with the Toronto Raptors

Nationalize the Edmonton Oilers (Make Connor McDavid Great Again!)

Make the Blue Jays start the season with Vlad Guerrero Jr. batting second

Get into some kink involving… I dunno, mannequins?

Respond individually to every death threat in the Yellow Vest Facebook group

Give Cardi B Canadian citizenship

Make donairs the staple of a nationwide school food program

Guest edit Narcity Canada for a day

Introduce Jordan Peterson as a Liberal candidate

Start a drag career as Miss Pan D’Ering

Become Brooke Lynn Hytes’ PA

Bring In and Out Burger to Canada

Excommunicate Tristan Thompson

Turn Saskatchewan into the world’s biggest outdoor waterpark

Let Quebec secede

Laisser le Québec faire sécession

Let Alberta secede [spits out chewing tobacco] Let ‘berta go it’s own dang way

Challenge Singh and Scheer to an old-school street fight (Here’s how we think it would go if he fought the former)

Make a video with Kellie Leitch

Star in the remake of From Justin to Kelly

Smoke a blunt on camera. Just do it

Remove British monarchs from our currency and replace them with members of Nickelback

Rename New Brunswick, New Funswick

Rename New Brunswick to No Funswick, alerting tourists to the danger

Have a body double arrested and claim you were kidnapped and stuffed in a box shortly after the 2015 election and this is the first you’ve heard of any broken promises or ethical shortcomings. (Possibly Stephen Harper body double wearing a Justin Trudeau mask? We can workshop this on the private jet you will no doubt be sending by the time you finish reading this good-ass idea.)

Adopt a dog and make it the prime minister. Since it’s a dog you’ll basically still be in charge, but no one will get mad at a dog prime minister.

Do NOT make a cat prime minister. They do not respect the authority of man.

Pivot to lists

Make Ben Harper a senator

Fight Ben Harper now that he’s a senator

Do that naked walk like in Game of Thrones but with Brian Mulroney ringing the bell and yelling “shame, shame, shame…” as you make your way from downtown Ottawa to the Hill

Give everyone a free HBO subscription so they can watch the final season of ‘Game of Thrones

Make a decree renaming the Conservatives the Liberals and the Liberals the Conservatives, in the hopes that everyone will be confused

Make a decree making the NDP stand for New Dick Party

Peddle SNC-LavaLamps

Y’know, finally resolving the Indigenous water crisis would make up for this a bit

Just cancel the Saudi arms deal

Send Conrad Black adrift on a piece of ice … and Margaret Wente too

Invade Greenland

Learn to code

Leak to Sun Media you are thinking about instituting Sharia Law

Annex Buffalo, declare it New Vegas

Reveal that as a drama teacher, you taught BOTH Ryans

Pen a viral Trudeau-Timberlake fanfic Lustin’ Justins

Make all your talking points about how you went to Peru, did ayahuasca and, like, we just don’t get it, man

Bring back the Vancouver Grizzlies (who are we kidding, Vancouver doesn’t deserve a basketball team!)

Stage another charity boxing match against his greatest enemy: himself

Become a beauty YouTuber and start each vlog with, “HEEEEEEYYYYYY Guyyssss, JT here…”

Engage in corporate espionage to eventually end Huawei

Force Netflix to revive The Littlest Hobo

Star in a remake of Strange Brew

Double prosecute SNC-Lavalin

Something something Drake

Try to make Urkel’s “did I do that” his new catchphrase and only respond to questions about the scandals with said new catchphrase

Change the national anthem to Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” because, well, you’re sorry

Prosecute Doug Ford for allegedly selling hash

Point out that while you (allegedly) unsuccessfully pressured your attorney general into doing nothing, Doug Ford hired his personal friend as the top cop in Ontario and then fired a senior police officer who called him out on it

Join a K-pop group

Reveal his long con as the villain of a Wes Anderson movie

Admit you kinda screwed up here but you thought you were doing the right thing for the country and can we all move on, now?

Fuck it don’t admit your screw up and just keep doing what you’re doing ‘cause it’s totally working.

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